tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65624215240267193842024-03-12T20:08:07.688-04:00Molly's Musings/ Brawley's Boobs-- WHATEVER!One pyschochondriac's glimpse at a really rare cancer diagnosis--among other things.Molly Brawleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00115154349404776433noreply@blogger.comBlogger336125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562421524026719384.post-42171904095456139642012-04-03T08:46:00.003-04:002012-04-03T09:24:07.037-04:00Just checking in. Document, document!It's been over 8 months since my last post. That is always a good thing, but I do like to post things to make sure this never-ending journey called ACC is documented for me and for others ever in my situation. Plus, I feel like writing today on this Spring Break 2012.<div><br /></div><div>A couple things have happened since my last post. Fevers are still there, never anything higher than 99.5 (and that is rare) so we have decided that it is menopausal. Also, Brandy, Dr. Ansari's NP, ordered a Vitamin D screen and I was very low...I think she said 12. So now I take 1000 units. I really do feel better...used to have little strange pains in weird parts (like my forearm) and those have subsided. I did have a recheck and never heard from Brandy so my levels must be going up or are better. Low Vitamin D is common in a lot of people, but is also common in breast cancer.</div><div><br /></div><div>January 9th I woke up with a strange pain(s) in my remaining breast. Achy feeling and sort of burning. It truly reminded me of that 2/1/07 when I found my lump. But this time there was no lump, despite me rooting around trying to find one! This pain was very hormonal like, but I was towards the end of my period so it was confusing. After about two weeks it went away, but then one morning it seemed like it was back, but just in a different spot. I honestly think I started having minor panic attacks so I called Dr. T and they saw me right away. (I think this was mid-Fenruary, by this time) I saw Dr. Tracy, who was amazing! She did a very thorough exam, asked me about ACC (she and I were diagnosed with breast cancer at the same time) and considered my concerns that I was having a heart attack. (she said the pain was too persistent for that) So...she decided to do a breast MRI. I was sort of surprised to be honest because at the time I felt like the pain was more muscular, and not really part of the breast. (my worry was chest wall tumors, or lung mets) So we got that scheduled for February 28th and she said she wanted her friend, and college roommate, to read the report. (She specializes in breast MRI's) I was definitely pleased with the personal touch!</div><div><br /></div><div>February 28th roles around and Ginger and I went on our little trip to Lakeland St. Joe.--wow, the outpatient services facility is beautiful. I won't bore you with my horror story except to say that this breast MRI was the WORST medical test I ever had. I came close to losing my mind, and actually thought I would vomit when I got out. It was way too long, too hot, and I wasn't really set in the tube very well. (For example, you are facing down when this occurs, boobs are hanging through this hard plastic ramp-like thing, and your arms are over your head. The face thing that you look through is set up with mirrors so you can see the room and even the people outside the room...but my techs never told me that, so my eyes couldn't see anything but a small piece of floor) ANYWAY...because they were doing the implant side (at my request) the procedure was over two hours in the tube--a torturous two hours, for sure. The breast side was much easier, but during the procedure, there seemed to be a concern about the contrast, which I even noted by telling them I didn't feel the contrast go through, something I always feel. They messed around with my arm a little bit but said everything was ok. When I finished this test, I told them I would NEVER do that procedure again. I would rather have my boob cut off to look for cancer than do that again. Ha ha ha....jokes on me.</div><div><br /></div><div>So, yeh, guess what? I had to have it done again because of issues with the test. I didn't hear any results of the test but a few weeks later the MRI department called me and said they needed to schedule a no charge MRI. Hmm. Strange. I immediately thought of the contrast issue so I wasn't too freaked. Called Dr.T's office to see what they had to say and they seemed confused...said there was no report but that the doctor didn't like the settings so she wanted a new scan. Wendy, the nurse, said something about dense breasts. But again, no report, so basically I had nothing on what was going on with my boob! I decided to wait a few weeks to schedule the re-test until I was on Spring Break. A few days later Wendy called again from Dr. T's office to say that they did have a report, but again, the doctor wanted something different. Wendy did tell me that things looked "ok" so far. I made her tell me that twice. </div><div><br /></div><div>Yesterday was the re-scan. I was a wreck the night before, thinking I wouldn't mentally be able to handle it. Dr. T recommended I take 2 Xanax but I wasn't sure that would be enough but what do I say? Ginger and I got in her little car and off we went. And lo and behold, my prayers were answered when the tech said "we are only doing the contrast part"--that was all that is needed. 20 minutes tops. I wanted to kiss her. (but why the heck didn't someone tell me that earlier--before I took the 2 Xanax or when they got the report???) </div><div><br /></div><div>So it was a piece of cake. I slept for a good two hours when I got home--wasted my whole first day of Spring Break--but at least the test is over.</div><div><br /></div><div>Now we wait for the results. I am not worried for some reason. Probably should be since I always am! But the breast pain is gone, except in one spot high up in my inner chest muscle area--and that gets me at strange times. It's strange, but doesn't make me think cancer.</div><div><br /></div><div>Again, I just needed to document this all. </div><div><br /><div><br /></div><div><br /></div></div>Molly Brawleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00115154349404776433noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562421524026719384.post-79051795221763172112011-08-19T17:41:00.003-04:002011-08-19T17:55:36.188-04:00Am I just HOT?So we are exactly a month later than my first official temperature reading in Dr. T's office back in July. And yes, I'm still "fever" ish.<div>
<br /></div><div>I don't know what to make of it and if I am honest, I am sort of ignoring it. I feel pretty much normal; however, my right ear and neck area is sore most of the time, but that has been going on for years. Keep in mind I take my temperature when I get up--it's almost ALWAYS between 98.6--99.0, and then when I get home from work, it is around 99.3-4. Sometimes, it creeps up to 99.5 early evening, but other times, it goes back down to 99 as long as I am just sort of resting on the couch or something. (the more active I am, the higher the temp) Again, I have not gone over 100 since that first day...and there are some sites that don't even consider me as having a fever at all. </div><div>
<br /></div><div>What complicates this is that on occasion I do feel sick. Achy, flu like. And I don't do well when that is the case. Luckily, it has to be around 99.6 or up and that hasn't happened in awhile so that is a positive. Jim can also tell just by touching me...and I can pretty much predict what it will read.</div><div>
<br /></div><div>Don't get me started on the research I have done on fevers and thermometers. I now own once of each kind and the ear one is the one I refer to the most. There are times that I wish I was not so body aware. It's makes for paranoia!</div><div>
<br /></div><div>The only other minor issue I have going on is that sore tailbone from my fall down the stairs, and my right side is a bit sore...nothing too alarming but it feels tight and for a bit I was thinking I had some kidney issues going on. But that is hit or miss so I hardly obsess over THAT...: ) And my annual gyno exam turned out normal..even after I skipped a summer. I won't even waste your time with my story about getting the test results back...it was me overreacting and jumping to conclusion. I really need to work on that.</div><div>
<br /></div><div>Work is keeping me busy and keeps me from obsessing...enjoying my new job and the new challenges. Just stopped by here to document some things. It's my own private therapy. : )</div>Molly Brawleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00115154349404776433noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562421524026719384.post-80987136845720163962011-08-14T11:31:00.003-04:002011-08-14T11:41:05.938-04:00No one seems too worried...Ok...I met with Dr. Ansari on August 10th and to say he was underwhelmed by this fever business is an understatement. He wanted to know how high the fevers were. He asked me if I actually felt sick, and I told him no, not until the day of my CT Scan...yucky before it, and AWFUL after it. He then listened forever to my lungs and did the typical feel around my neck and look in my throat exam. He saw nothing, but decided to put me on an antibiotic anyway...a Z pack. Ginger and I listened to him dictate a letter to Dr. T and basically he said I was complaining of sore throat and drainage and he was suspicious I had a virus. (yeh, still gave me an antibiotic anyway) He said to come back if I continued to feel lousy, otherwise, I would see him in October.<div>
<br /></div><div>Well, today, four days later I DO feel better, but still of course, I am still running a temp. I am excited that this morning it is 99.3 at its highest but last night it was 100 after leaving J, ohn and Ginger's...I do know your temp rises in the evening AND it was VERY warm at John and Ginger's. I want to also document that the right side of my head (ear, back of skill, right neck behind my ear) all hurt. Maybe, just maybe, this antibiotic, will help that and that is what is causing this? </div><div>
<br /></div><div>Honestly, that is all I have to report. Just sick of thinking about being sick.</div>Molly Brawleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00115154349404776433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562421524026719384.post-28722771410173231822011-08-09T09:34:00.004-04:002011-08-09T09:50:57.195-04:00Good news...but still big questionsI am so relieved...the CT scan of my chest came back clear, with the exception of that pesky granuloma that always shows up. I immediately felt better but the question remains as to why I still have a fever. And I still have one. <div>
<br /></div><div>The strange thing about it is that I swear I didn't have one, or at least as high as one, until yesterday. I could feel my body getting hot...even asked my nurse/radiology expert sister if the CT Contrast could still make me feel hot (doubtful) because I could<i> feel</i> it in my body--except my feet, which were freezing. And now this morning, I still feel hot and I didn't have this yesterday. Of course my mind is running rampant...I have googled "unexplained fever" every which way but backwards. Did my annual "physical" cause this? Is it the combination of meds I am on? Could I really have cancer somewhere just not in my lungs? (biggest scare). Then I wonder if I am reacting to my implant--you know, fighting off a foreign body? But that isn't likely either. I sure hope Dr. Ansari has some POSITIVE answers. I see him tomorrow at 9:15. (Yes, my first day back at my new job...my new boss is probably going "great, sick the first day??) Luckily, my Ginger is still in town to go with me. I do NOT want further tests but can't imagine him having any answers without more tests. A bone scan maybe? Further CT's? An MRI of my head? (still suffer from ear pain quite often but that is nothing new since my 2001 surgery)</div><div>
<br /></div><div>I honestly thought I would feel great this morning but even without taking my temp, I can tell my fever is still there. Granted, my thermometer (digital from Walgreens) never reads that I have a temp, but compared to the ear one at the doctor's office, it's off by a little less than one degree. So when I add that degree, I have a temp. Everyone else in my family is UNDER "normal" so I know I am odd. </div><div>
<br /></div><div>Last but not least, I can't end without mentioning Kellie Martin, a young mom who is in her final stages of fighting ACC (neck) Her Caringbridge blog has been an inspiration to me and my heart is breaking as someone writes her blog for her as she fights for just one more day. She has a 5 year old son. Kellie was diagnosed just prior to delivering him. An amazing young lady! I pray for peace, healing of the lungs if God chooses, and calm to all. </div><div>
<br /></div><div>Time to convince myself I feel good and head off to get some work done. So glad to write...I helps so much.</div><div>
<br /></div><div>Molly
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<br /></div></div></div>Molly Brawleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00115154349404776433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562421524026719384.post-84533052447808271032011-08-08T09:51:00.002-04:002011-08-08T10:12:08.976-04:00CT scan today--worry already in full gearUgh..........had yet another appointment with Dr. Tacket today for my physical and since I still had a fever (99.5) he sent me for a CT scan with contrast of my chest. I am a mess of course and thought writing might help. As you all know, my cancer has a tendency to go to the lungs so that is where they are starting to try to figure out what is causing the fever. (I tried to come up with all kinds of reasons (hot flashes, medicines, etc) but Dr. T still wanted to do the test) The CT was a pain as well...well, it was fine...but the poor tech couldn't get a good vein for the contrast so I had to wait for an ER tech, who got it after some slapping of my wrists. Nothing is easy with me.<div>
<br /></div><div>So now I wait. Dr. T's office has gone electronic so he expects the results today or tomorrow and promised that he would call...and then, regardless of what the results are, I have to go back to Dr. Ansari. (If there are issues, I have to see him obviously, if there are NOT issues, we still have to figured out what it is.) I asked Dr. T what ELSE it could be, and he said they might look at my thyroid is this comes back clear, although all my bloodwork in that area is fine. I will see Dr. A later this week I think...and of course I am supposed to go back to work starting Wednesday. Just my luck.</div><div>
<br /></div><div>There did seem to be some concern about the granuloma that I have had for years...remember in May when Dr. Ansari's NP Brandy called and said they wanted the CT since the chest xray showed some growth? But during that phone call she said never mind, noting that I had had it awhile? I saw on the orders today that that was mentioned. If that thing turns out to be ACC I will be shocked. I have had it for at least 15 years I think. But as we all know, stranger things have happened and do seem to happen to me. By the way, my blood work in all areas has come back normal but I have learned that doesn't mean a lot.</div><div>
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<br /></div><div>What else do I need to document. Kellie, an ACC fighter, is in her last days/weeks of life, as her lungs are giving out. I think she is about 33 at the most, with a 6 year old. Her's was in her salivary glands but its still ACC regardless of where it is. I am sick thinking about her as her journey has been an inspiration to me. She has a Caringbridge site (like a blog) that I have followed for awhile. Hers went to her bones first...or at least that is what they saw. </div><div>
<br /></div><div>Today is one year since Johnny died. That is weighing heavily on all our minds. I don't want this day to be associated with my cancer returning, that is for sure. It keeps running through my mind.</div><div>
<br /></div><div>EEK. The phone just rang. It was the US Marines. Darn.</div><div>
<br /></div><div>So here we are again. I hope it is just a temporary visit but I will be back as soon as I know anything. </div><div>
<br /></div><div>I could use some lifting up today if you are so inclined...thanks, much!</div><div>
<br /></div><div>Molly</div><div>
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<br /></div>Molly Brawleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00115154349404776433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562421524026719384.post-32067548514583023702011-07-25T11:59:00.004-04:002011-07-25T12:09:43.358-04:00Low grade fever...Here it is between appointments, but I have some things I have to document. Although this is not the first time I have run a low grade fever, I wanted to write about it to make sure IF it is anything, I am keeping a record of it. Last Tuesday I went to my family physician for a routine visit and had a temp of 100.5. Because of a mix up in what I was there for, Dr. T and I never really discussed it. I did have to come back today and again, I still have a temp, although today it is 99.5. It was enough for Dr. T to run a urine test (normal) and order some more blood work. I am not sure when I will get the results on that, but I would think soon. Dr. T did also mention he was going to call Dr. Ansari, which put me on high alert, of course. (I was already there...low grade fever can be a sign of tumors) So guess what I am doing? Taking my freakin' temp about every 1/2 hour! I even went to Walgreens and got a new digital...didn't get the mac-daddy $50 one, so I hope this one is accurate. I will say that historically, I do run high/normal temps. Around 99. But this time is making me anxious, which makes me more anxious. Such a rotten cycle. <div><br /></div><div>One thing Dr. T said he was looking for was inflammation...didn't say infection, so maybe it is related to my aching hip and back. </div><div><br /></div><div>Time to take my temp. I can tell I still have one but let's see what it says. 99.1. Also, did you know that your temp is highest in the afternoon?</div><div><br /></div><div>Ok, so now this is documented. That's all for now.</div>Molly Brawleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00115154349404776433noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562421524026719384.post-38736188275936085112010-12-11T12:02:00.003-05:002010-12-11T12:24:55.717-05:00Crohn's Disease in my baby. : (First of all, there are some new ACC sisters out there, proving this cancer, like all others, doesn't sleep. If you are a new reader, PLEASE read this blog in reverse, as most of the information related to my experience with Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma of the Breast is in the first 1/2 of the blog.<div><br /></div><div>Secondly, since I am on what I call a 6 month reprieve of cancer worry (I pretty much only worry the month before my tests) I don't have much to say about this cancer business that I hope is part of my past ONLY. But I do have some things I want to document concerning the child who wishes not to be named since his buddies have found my posts in the past...so, for my informed readers, just know we are talking about ANDREW, my twenty year old, usually healthy as a horse college athlete.</div><div><br /></div><div>Well, our world sort of changed just prior to Thanksgiving when he emailed me from college to say his belly hurt and he was having some diarrhea issues--it had been going on for about a month. Because of Johnny's death, I automatically think CANCER but really didn't think it would be possible but wanted it checked out so I made him a doctor's appointment for when we got back from our cabin in the Upper Peninsula. Over Thanksgiving, I kept an eye on Rew and noticed he spent a lot of time in the bathroom after we ate. He also mentioned off and on about how he could feel food move by in his belly in a particular spot on the left side of his lower belly.</div><div>Monday's doctor appointment brought a diagnosis of some sort of upset stomach, but also blood in his fecal occult test. THAT FREAKED ME OUT. So I insisted on a referral to a GI. The very next night, Tuesday, we were in the emergency room where they did a CT scan and said Rew had a severely inflamed colon, and could have ulcerative colitis. They gave us some meds and said make sure you follow up with the GI. Then Saturday of that week, Rew was again in the ER with crazy bad dehydration and got 5 bags of fluid, much to the MD's surprise. Ok, so finally, the colonoscopy was this past Thursday and sure enough, they found little ulcers throughout his colon, prompting the diagnosis of Crohn's Disease. I learned that Crohn's is little punches of ulcers in various spots, where ulcerative colitis looks like someone took sandpaper and scraped the lining of your intestines. I feel guilty for being relieved it was Crohn's--no parent wants their child to have this disease--but I had horrible fears that Andrew would be one of those terrible stories of someone diagnosed so young with colon cancer. Thank heavens that is not the case.</div><div><br /></div><div>He is doing much better already, but still has spots that hurt. We don't see the doctor again until January and his goal when he left us was remission, so that is what we are working on. Rew is trying to follow the recommended diet (avoid fresh fruits and veggies) and is taking his 9 pills a day to start healing. Lots of fluids, of course.</div><div><br /></div><div>So now that we have answers, things are a bit calmer for now. One week left of school until vacation, which we all need. Looking forward to the holiday season and will continue to count our blessings. </div>Molly Brawleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00115154349404776433noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562421524026719384.post-73078002172800776042010-10-31T19:17:00.002-04:002010-10-31T19:26:15.884-04:00Six month check up normal...we think.Yes, me posting must mean that I had something to say about this darn cancer thing that always hangs out in my life..so far, nothing major to report. You know my drill...I get blood drawn, have a chest xray, see Dr. Ansari, he tells me blood work is normal, and will call if there are any issues with my chest xray. That was Thursday and still no call so I have decided I am ok in terms of the chest xray.<br /><br />But alas, my blood work was not normal this time...my hemoglobin was 10.5 and should be no lower that 13. Not so ironically, I wondered about it before I went because last time I had my blood checked (when I attempted to give blood) it was at 12.5 and I was turned away. But both times had something in common...I was having my period (sorry non-female or squeamish readers) so that is what Dr. A says is "obviously" causing the low level. I asked what else it could be...he said "you have had a colonoscopy" so that might have been a concerned, and all the reading I have done says it can be related to cancer, but more likely the female thing. So I am now on 325 mg of iron (ferrous something). I have since learned my sis is on it too. I am not too concerned, and although I am guessing this is all in my head, I seem to feel a little better now that I have been on it for four days. Maybe not, but whatever.<br /><br />So that is that. I will feel better if I get through tomorrow with no phone call...just in case it wasn't read until late Friday or something, and I haven't bought my new purse to celebrate another 6 months of NED...hate to tempt fate. ...blah blah blah.<br /><br />Looking forward to a lot of things...no time to worry about cancer.<br /><br />More later.................<br /><br />MollyMolly Brawleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00115154349404776433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562421524026719384.post-56670831497861970582010-08-17T17:42:00.002-04:002010-08-17T17:44:48.798-04:00A mom says goodbye<div><i>Johnny's mom wrote some thoughts to honor the memory of her first born. She is an amazing woman--no one like her---and you can see why in her words. Thanks to Johnny's cousin Annette for reading Ginger's thoughts and encouraging her to do i</i>t.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Yesterday, a lot of people said good-bye to Johnny. </div><div><br /></div><div>Many of you told of the different memories you had, and of the different ways he touched your lives…as a great older brother, a good role model, a great cousin, a kind man, a good friend, an excellent teacher, a considerate co-worker, a caring coach, an important person in your life…one who will be missed. </div><div><br /></div><div>Many of the attributes you mentioned about Johnny were aspects of a man’s character…his loyalty, patience, kindness, moral fiber, goodness, work ethic, sense of humor, strength, generosity, fortitude, his love and appreciation of life. You may have admired some of these qualities in Johnny. You may have said, “I like the fact that the ‘player of the game’ went to the boy who ran off the field as fast as he could, instead of the kid who hit the home run”; or appreciated how he listened when something was troubling you. You may have admired how he trudged up “Banjo Hill” because he loved hunting—and after all, sometimes the road is tough on your way to get the “big one”; or how he kept fishing when the motor quit in the back waters of Manistee Lake—“Not to worry—someone will find us.” You may have admired how he nurtured his sons, how he loved Pam, how he fought cancer. </div><div><br /></div><div>Think of the thing you admired most about Johnny. Now, think of how you can incorporate that quality into your own life…to be a better husband, a better father, a better friend. </div><div><br /></div><div>What a significant difference it would make in a community if we each did just one small thing a little better. That way, the goodness of Johnny will live on—and what a wonderful tribute to him that would be. </div><div><br /></div>Molly Brawleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00115154349404776433noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562421524026719384.post-75806653748738794672010-08-14T21:52:00.002-04:002010-08-14T21:55:31.066-04:00A Tribute to Johnny<div><i>So many people have asked for copies of Jim's tribute to his older brother Johnny who died this week at 44, after the most courageous battle with cancer I have ever witnessed. Jim wrote this in his head...and then dictated it to me. Although he changed a few words during the service, this is an attempt, from his heart, with all his heart, to pay homage to his big brother.</i></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>My Grandpa Brawley was a loving, generous and patient man. His acts of kindness will live on forever in this town. My Grandpa Freund was a Marine. His courage, his honor, and his loyalty could be seen every morning as he raised his American flag, and again in the evening when he lowered it, folded it, and placed it in its drawer—ready for the next day.</div><div><br /></div><div>Coming from such strong tradition, it is no wonder our older brother Johnny turned out to be the greatest big brother anyone could ask for. His honor to do the right thing and his courage to be his own man were examples for us to follow. His patience and kindness allowed him to teach us every thing that his father had taught him, from tying a knot on a fishing line to wind direction in a tree stand. His teachings continued outside the family bond, reaching anyone who asked or who wanted to learn. He was a positive role model for all of us.</div><div><br /></div><div>To use Johnny's words, he would be truly humbled by the turnout today. But he would not want us to be sad, he would want us to celebrate his life. And what a life! He started fishing on the Platte River at three years old. He fished the Gulf of Mexico, the Bahas of California, Lake Okechoibee in Florida. He stayed on deserted island in the middle of Lake Michigan and on islands in Lake Erie. He fished the Manistee River, all the way to East Lake. He fished the coast lines of Eagle Lake in Ontario. He spent weeks at Coho Bend Campground fishing for King Salmon in Lake Michigan. He did all these things before he was 17 years old. </div><div><br /></div><div>The experiences that my father gave us and the lessons my mother taught us molded him into the loving husband and great father that he is today. His adventures were just beginning. He hunted the pheasants in the Dakotas, ducks in Manitoba, caribous in Quebec, bears in Saskachewan and Ontario, mule deer in Montana and white tails-- from the woods of Northern Michigan to the hills of Southern Ohio. He enjoyed these adventures with his family and friends. His favorite partners in his numerous adventures were his wife Pam, and his two sons, Quinn and Jake. On his bow, he placed a picture of them so whenever he went in the woods, they went with him.</div><div><br /></div><div>We can see the love in Jake's eyes, especially for all the animals in the world, whether its a dog, raccoon or skunk, they will all find safety in Jake's arms. We see the courage in Quinn's chest that tells me he will be his own man and I know he will have the honor to always do what's right.. With the experiences and foundation that Johnny and Pam have given them, these two young boys will grow up to be fine young men.</div><div><br /></div><div>I have come to believe that everything happens for a reason. And sometimes it might take awhile to figure out what God's plan is. But now I know why a cute blonde haired, blue eyed little girl from Union Street on the westside of town joined the Army. God needed to make her strong because He was going to need Johnny before she would be ready to let him go.</div><div><br /></div><div>Why Johnny? we are all asking. I believe God had three messages. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>The first is for the young people here today: Johnny wants you to have the courage and the honor to do the right thing. Johnny did not believe in underage drinking, or the use of tobacco or drugs. He is watching you now and hopes you have the courage to do the right thing and to help your friends do the same.</div><div><br /></div><div>Secondly, for the parents here: Johnny showed love for all children, not just his. One time he told me that he thought it was awesome the way I treated each kid on my team and that I treated every kid like my own. And then he asked me, “What about the kids on the other team?” And I thought “well, what about those other kids? They are someone else's.” And then he said, “don't you think every kid deserves your knowledge and enthusiasm?” I want to challenge all the parents here today. in Johnny's honor, to try to make every child reach their potential.</div><div><br /></div><div>Lastly, to the community who we saw in the Field of Dreams for Johnny's birthday bash: Look what we accomplished when we all worked together! My mom, who Jeff Johnson says could solve the war in Iraq if she just had ten minutes to think about it, was the most impressed, saying that this group was the best group of people she has ever worked with. This won't be the last time that someone in our community needs support and help. In Johnny's honor, we need be aware and be active. We will step it up. </div><div><br /></div><div>We never knew a day without our brother and we never will. Because in the woods, and in the water, and in our hearts, he will live forever.</div><div><br /></div>Molly Brawleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00115154349404776433noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562421524026719384.post-63330564231707150392010-07-22T11:53:00.002-04:002010-07-22T12:12:50.675-04:00Heavy heart.Hi everyone. Not much to say...its hot, I'm watching the calendar as my summer ticks away, and cancer still continues to play a major role in our lives. It is so heavy on our hearts that it is suffocating at times. I want to tell Jim that we just need to get out of here...we are planning a trip to Cedar Point with the cousins so that is something to look forward to. Cousin Matt is getting married in two weeks--yippee, something positive--and my laundry is almost caught up. But I still feel like I am in a funk.<div><br /></div><div>Johnny continues his battle with determination and bravery. Pam is amazing...great attitude with two broken feet and all...and is just trying to cherish every second with her Toad. I am starting to watch you know who struggle (he who won't be named but I am married to him). I see that as my role...to keep it together so others can fall apart when needed. But I need to get out and get out of this funk! Ginger continues to be a rock and our friends are so helpful, strong, and resilient. I am not going to repeat all the information about the major birthday bash and benefit we had for Johnny, but lets just say that Niles, Michigan, despite its warts and blemishes, has some of the most compassionate and hard working, words-can't-describe people living here. The turnout was such a tribute to Johnny, and the entire Brawley family. As more than one person commented, it was the "Brawley Way"...giving to others. One man said to me "you shouldn't be amazed at any of this. Your family has done so much for others and this is our way to pay them back." This was not about me at all, but more about John and Ginger and their fish fries, Grandma's generosity YEARS ago, and all the time the guys have coached, and taught, etc. And, what makes this even better is there are MANY families like this in our little community. So proud to live here.</div><div><br /></div><div>As always, I become more "involved" in researching MY cancer during the summer months, just because I have time. Still reading a lot about how slow growing it is, but also that almost EVERYONE has mets later in life. I am now three years out and continue to worry about that, but most days, I can shove it out of my mind.</div><div><br /></div><div>Another friend Becki was just diagnosed with lymphoma and is battling the chemo poison. She is also blogging on Caring Bridge and is a joy to read. This is a woman with tons of energy so this is hard for her. She remains positive and upbeat and I admire her for that.</div><div><br /></div><div>Again, heart and mind are heavy these days. That is why I visited here today. Hope it helps.</div><div><br /></div><div>Molly</div>Molly Brawleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00115154349404776433noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562421524026719384.post-23846425651829159462010-06-28T16:32:00.002-04:002010-06-28T16:46:18.611-04:00Weather is looking up!Ah, the first day of my summer sleeping in at my own house. Wonderful. No cancer scans to think about for awhile but Johnny continues to be in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep him in yours as well.<div><br /></div><div>Josh will be 18 on Wednesday. So hard to believe. Today he left for Cincinnati with Johnny's family as his cousin Quinn gets to be the batboy at the Reds vs Phillies game tomorrow night. He is suddenly so excited. Andrew can't go because he is taking a class starting tomorrow. One of Johnny's best friends is friends with someone in the Reds organization and arranged all this...a few of us are going to head to Wings, Etc to see if we can catch the game on their MLB package. Sure hope to see Quinners! : )</div><div><br /></div><div>So pleased to see in the forecast that we are dry for awhile! Shade continues to be terrified of hard rain and storms and I am sick of everything being so damp and humid.</div><div><br /></div><div>Need to make a list of the projects I want to get done this summer. I work very well from lists--gives me a feeling of accomplishment. </div><div><br /></div><div>Molly</div>Molly Brawleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00115154349404776433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562421524026719384.post-26131429788149140222010-06-17T22:17:00.002-04:002010-06-17T22:19:57.302-04:00Mammo is all clear.All clear! Dr. Engl said that he didn't know what was on the mammo is April but the images today are the same as all my previous images. I must admit, I do wonder if the pictures were as good as they were last time...I didn't think she squished the boob enough...but I have to trust that the doctor considered that...<div><br /></div><div>So, I am breathing easier tonight. Ginger and I had a great lunch at Bob Evans (a tradition) and laughed a lot. Such a great lady she is...</div><div><br /></div><div>Love to you all--</div>Molly Brawleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00115154349404776433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562421524026719384.post-28200710352285540552010-06-08T20:30:00.002-04:002010-06-08T20:33:05.373-04:00Another sister lost.Shelley is a friend I met on a list serv...she too blogged about her cancer. Her life was similar to mine in that she loved her family, loved to camp, loved dogs, etc. She also had triple negative breast cancer, which is considered more aggressive. I think she lived just over two years after her diagnosis. She was 37. THIRTY SEVEN. We must find a cure.<div><br /></div><div>My follow up mammo is in a week. Just starting to think about it. Wish I didn't have to.....</div>Molly Brawleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00115154349404776433noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562421524026719384.post-12452917540637689322010-05-30T12:48:00.003-04:002010-05-30T12:55:31.988-04:00SunnyWhat a beautiful weekend! I love living in Michigan. You don't appreciate weekends like this unless you do. : ) Have so many things I want to get done this weekend but here I am instead. <div><br /></div><div>We had another successful graduation and the Class of 2010 is on to bigger and better things. Graduation always comes at the right time--seniors are so ready to be done with high school rules, bathroom passes, tardy bells, etc. Not so sure if they are ready for reality, but many are well on their way. The rest of the students are done this Friday, and I work two more weeks. </div><div><br /></div><div>I am very proud of myself these days for my lack of worrying. I am sure I will start obsessing again but for now, despite this concern in my left breast, I am not thinking about my cancer. Cancer yes, but not my cancer. </div><div><br /></div><div>Very blessed to have a great husband, two great kids who use decent (not perfect) judgment, and to live in a great country.</div>Molly Brawleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00115154349404776433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562421524026719384.post-72221600624738520722010-05-25T20:43:00.002-04:002010-05-25T20:54:30.516-04:00June is approachingChanged my follow up appointment to a week earlier. June 17, another round of boob squishing. I have not been thinking about it at all, but then tonight I WAS thinking about it and am just not in the mood for any disruptions to my happy life. So that is that.<div><br /></div><div>Stressful time for me right now. May is the best and worst month for high school principals. Kids graduate and kids DON'T graduate. So tough. Get me through Thursday and I can relax a little. We have our ceremony outdoors so weather is always tricky. Looks like rain for now, but I am still hopeful.</div><div><br /></div><div>We have committed to June 18 for our trip the UP. Jim's entire immediate family is going. We are all about creating memories right now. Looking forward to laughing and just relaxing.</div><div><br /></div><div>Not much else to say. Please pray for Johnny and all other cancer fighters!</div>Molly Brawleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00115154349404776433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562421524026719384.post-6654428509620810652010-05-14T18:47:00.004-04:002010-05-14T18:51:47.693-04:00A decent weekend?Not so much cancer on the mind today. Sometimes you have to just not think about it. Glad the weekend brings sunshine. May have to do some antiquing for my new "guest" bedroom. Should also clean out Andrew's closet. He brought home a load of stuff this week...he is off to Louisville to see a friend and then returns to Goshen for his last week. He really needs to get a job that makes a lot of money.<div><br /></div><div>Josh has a double header tomorrow. More baseball!</div>Molly Brawleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00115154349404776433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562421524026719384.post-81375766878452733652010-05-12T19:53:00.003-04:002010-05-12T20:00:48.292-04:00A fellow ACC sisterTonight I was catching up with some <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">ACC</span> posts from a list <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">serv</span> and learned that Kelly, who was diagnosed with <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">ACC</span>/breast (at age 37) about a year ago, is now in hospice. Her <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">ACC</span>/breast has gone to her liver, and although they planned on surgery, it is now not possible. She has a 22 month old child. <div><br /></div><div>I do not correspond with Kelly as I do a few other <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">ACC</span> sisters, but this is once again a reminder that this disease is <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">insidious and can be relentless. I consider myself lucky so far. For a few moments, I sat stunned and staring at the computer. But now, after a few deep breaths, I am going to remind myself of my mantra "I am not going to die today" so I am not going to worry about this today either.</span></div><div><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5"><br /></span></div><div><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Molly </span></div><div><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5"><br /></span></div><div><br /></div><div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div></div>Molly Brawleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00115154349404776433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562421524026719384.post-32076038334981433232010-05-09T19:49:00.003-04:002010-05-09T20:04:02.036-04:00Bliss.Dealing with cancer fears is such a roller coaster. There are moments of shear terror, and then something happens and you just want to climb into a moment of joyfulness that hits you at the weirdest times. Today, for example, Sister Sue and I were refurbishing a mirror and an antique dresser/nightstand in the driveway, and while we were waiting to do a second coat, we sat in the sun on our back patio. Pure <i>bliss</i>. In the back of my mind, I was thinking "ok, five weeks until I might face another battle with breast cancer" but in those 15 minutes or so that we sat there, petting my goofy Shady Paige and listening to the birds, it didn't matter. Honestly, it was so peaceful. Whoever said "take time and smell the roses" really had something.<div><br /></div><div>My sister is incredible, if you haven't figured that out yet. Such a good person, and talented in so many things. We are so much alike but I definitely didn't get the home decorator talents. I have good ideas, but she knows how to get it all done in a weekend. And she can shop like no other! Such a fun time we had.</div><div><br /></div><div>Andrew also surprised me this weekend. I got up to let the dog out at 1:30 AM and he had taken a bouquet of wildflowers and placed them in a large plastic McDonald's cup, with a sign in crayon that said "Happy Mother's Day (cards are a waste of money) Love, Andrew" Next to the cup was a package of SHAM WOW thingies that he saw on TV. God love him. And Joshie, sweet Joshie, called from the mall and asked Jim what he should get me, and although Jim said nothing, I still appreciate that Josh would even think of it. Such good boys I have.</div><div><br /></div><div>And then there is my husband...there's nobody better that is for sure!</div><div><br /></div><div>Embrace it people, embrace everything you have because there are no guarantees.</div><div><br /></div><div>Molly</div><div><br /></div><div><br /><div><br /></div><div><br /></div></div>Molly Brawleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00115154349404776433noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562421524026719384.post-7556542492054334332010-05-04T18:51:00.002-04:002010-05-04T18:57:44.615-04:00Follow upMy family doctor's office called today to follow up after he received the report of my mammogram. His nurse said she just wanted to make sure that I had my 6 week appointment scheduled. She sounded so hesitant that I panicked a bit. I am thinking I may go get a copy of the report. But, again, it is probably just good follow up--I hope!<br /><div><br /></div><div>Both boys have games today. Andrew is in Indy for the beginning (and likely the end for Goshen) of the MCC tournament. John and Ginger went down. I know Ginger needs to escape and I am glad baseball is there for her. I worry about her as she is trying to be strong for her kids and has to have the same heartache we all do...love that lady.</div><div><br /></div><div>Joshie is at the high school playing Sturgis. I am just tired, physically and emotionally so I came home. He was dh'ing. Not the best mom at the moment but he will forgive me. </div><div><br /></div><div>Molly</div>Molly Brawleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00115154349404776433noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562421524026719384.post-72100376911894784552010-05-03T16:47:00.002-04:002010-05-03T16:54:49.906-04:00Just really hating cancer more than anything.My chest x-ray was clear. Just wanted to post that quickly. Now to get through the next 6 weeks for the re-check.<div><br /></div><div>Counting blessings tonight and loving my family. The fight is NOT over nor will it ever be. </div><div><br /></div><div>Molly</div>Molly Brawleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00115154349404776433noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562421524026719384.post-10797783318819435062010-05-02T21:03:00.002-04:002010-05-02T21:14:25.944-04:00Research into "probably benign"One thing I learned in my bout (I almost wrote "first bout" but I am refusing to think there will be a second bout) with ACC /breast was that there are scores that radiologists give abnormal results on mammograms. In light of the note that Dr. E wrote Dr. Ansari with the words "probably benign" I decided to google those words and sure enough, that is how a Birad Score of 3 is described. What I also learned is that shorter intervals of re-imaging are recommended, and that greater than 90% of these issues are benign. That 10 percent is looming, but there was one article that said greater than 98% were benign on further testing. I prefer the second figure but<div>as you know with me, even 1 percent is too many so I don't care for any of it! But it is what it is.</div><div><br /></div><div>Tonight, I worry about getting through tomorrow's fear of a call from Dr. A's office about my chest xray. He told me to call but I know I won't be able to bring myself to do it. I literally freeze about things like this. Ugh. I hate hate hate hate how cancer robs us of simple peace and calm!</div><div><br /></div><div>Johnny also has his visit tomorrow. Prayers abound all over the world tonight for him!</div><div><br /></div><div>Time to get myself together and get my mind off of the negatives. </div><div><br /></div><div>M.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Molly Brawleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00115154349404776433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562421524026719384.post-84449275882073120512010-04-30T19:09:00.004-04:002010-04-30T19:32:33.991-04:00I'm back. Cancer had better NOT be.It has been almost five months since my last post. I doubt anyone visits anymore, but I am now going to write again since things are a bit interesting with my last round of tests.<div><br /></div><div>Yesterday was my yearly mammogram, which has hardly worried me since being diagnosed three years ago. But yesterday, a very very thorough radiologist found an area of density in my left breast--the one I <i>used</i> to call the "good boob"--on my mammogram. I had extra views, and ultrasound, more views, etc. He came in to talk to me, told me that if I was just any Sally Smith off the street he would be less concerned, but there WAS something showing up and he was too anal to let it go for someone with my history. So we did one MORE view--one he called a lateral roll--which he says he NEVER does--and it made him feel a lot better, BUT he still wants me to have another mammogram in 6 weeks. Yes, 6 weeks, not 6 months. Ok, that sort of freaks me out.</div><div><br /></div><div>I keep repeating some things he said to calm myself down":</div><div><br /></div><div>1) He's really anal. (gotta like that in a radiologist!)</div><div>2) He said "you got burned once...I am not letting that happen again." (he was referring to my mammogram that did NOT pick up the 6 cm cancerous tumor) </div><div>3) He was going to do an MRI, but said the last view (the lateral roll, that some techs call the "titty twister") made him feel a lot better. Something about tumors don't move or change shape and this picture made him think it more likely benign breast tissue.</div><div>4)There are no masses evident, its just the dense area that is different than my last mammos...you know the whole change thing is a bad thing on mammos. My note I was to give to Dr. Ansari said "probably benign area of density". </div><div><br /></div><div>So there you have it. You know how I feel about that word "probably."</div><div><br /></div><div>I was almost an hour late for my appointment with Dr. Ansari because of all the extra imaging. My blood work came back fine, and honestly, Dr. A did not seem too concerned with the mammogram. He just said that the radiologist is really really good. He seems to think I am doing fine, and even wanted to cancel the chest xray I have scheduled. (I think he picked up on my anxiety) Ginger of course said "oh no, we are having this done!" so I then had the chest x ray. No results yet--I am supposed to call Monday but as always, will be terrified to do so.</div><div><br /></div><div>One of the first people I talked to about this was Johnny. We laughed about it because there is not much else you can do. </div><div><br /></div><div>For some crazy reason, breast cancer does NOT scare me as much as it used to, and honestly, I am still more freaked out about the chest xray. I know breast cancer is beatable, but lung mets from ACC are most likely hard to beat. Sigh.</div><div><br /></div><div>So I am back, hoping writing therapy will help. I am back to being anxious when the phone rings and back to googling "areas of density."</div><div><br /></div><div>Cancer never leaves.<br /><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Molly Brawleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00115154349404776433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562421524026719384.post-38019027789322760882009-12-12T13:10:00.002-05:002009-12-12T13:17:14.930-05:00Happy, happy , happyReasons to be happy:<br />1) First snow day of the school year.<br />2) Josh had his first night of snowboarding and is going again today. Nothing better than that for Josh!<br />3) Andrew home for three weeks after finishing, successfully I might add, his first semester of college. He has grown up so much.<br />4) Tree up, wreath up, and even a few presents wrapped. <br />5) Only one week left of work and then two weeks off. <br />6) Johnny has one more cycle of chemo!<br />7) Barb has only one week left after years and years and years of giving to the children of this community. Happy Retirement Mrs. Garrard!<br />8) The governor did not cut the additional $127 per pupil...at least not yet.<br />9) Shade is extremely happy to have the snow to play in. Pooh has a plow so that makes snow A-Ok with us.<br />10) No worries of cancer for me this holiday season. Worrying is WAY overrated.Molly Brawleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00115154349404776433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6562421524026719384.post-2670549761820780072009-12-08T17:22:00.003-05:002009-12-08T17:32:48.592-05:00Cheer up!My sister yelled at me for having a depressing blog. So here I am to cheer it all up! Let's talk about Michigan economy/educational crisis. Oops...not so fun either.<br /><br />A Goshen College student was hit by a train this morning. He was drunk on the train tracks. It was not Andrew. I believe the student is going to be ok, last the news said. Goshen has tracks that run right through the campus--Andrew crosses them every day. The headline made my heart skip a beat when I read it.<br /><br />Andrew is almost done with his first semester of college. Much tougher than he thought--especially with balancing a sport. But I think he is still happy. I know he will appreciate not having anything to do all break, although he is going back to help at a baseball camp his team is sponsoring over vacation.<br /><br />Tonight is our first boys' basketball game. No Andrew to watch. That is fine with me!<br /><br />A gift arrived in the mail for Jim today. Glad he wasn't home to see it. We never get each other anything big--just try to surprise each other with those things we say we would like some time or another. His something came today. Still have all the other shopping to do, although I did get our $10 gifts for the white elephant exchange for Ginger's side of the family.<br /><br />The prediction for some snow tonight has been altered...looks like just rain and wind. Which means Shade will probably need drugs.<br /><br />Really looking forward to Boyne for New Year's Weekend.<br /><br />Hope this is more cheery than me saying I am not dead. I think that is pretty cheery, right? : )<br /><br />Love to you all--and feel those boobies, ok?<br /><br />MollyMolly Brawleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00115154349404776433noreply@blogger.com0