Ava is status quo.

Heather called and the doctor who read the preliminary CT said there is "no significant bleeding."


Jamie is on her way home with Heather as we speak. She even bought a candy bar, chips and a pop at the gas station so she is eating. I am so proud of her for making that very hard step to come home today...They are hoping for the best but are prepared for the worst.

Little Ava continues to fight like we know she can. I keep forgetting what a warrior she is.

Molly

P.S. I hear boy Jamie has posted on Ava's website so you can check there too.

An Ava update

Ava started experiencing seizures last night and the concern now is brain hemorrhaging. She is scheduled for a CT scan at 1:00. Dr. Hirsch said that if there is a little bleeding then Ava can probably handle that...but if there is significant hemorrhaging then the problem is grave. So this is Baby Ava's most important hurdle at this point. Please pray at 1:00 for Ava and her family.

On the better news side, Dr. Hirsch said that if the seizures had not started she would have been "ecstatic" today as Ava met all her goals for yesterday. One of the most significant things that I remember Heather saying is that the doctors purposely "kinked" Ava's ECMO machine to see what her body would do and she picked up the function on her own. That is good news. She even had pulsivity, which means her heart beat on its own and they could feel a pulse.

I am guessing until things settle down we won't hear from Jamie on her blog. I will try to keep you updated with Heather's permission. For now, please pray as I know you will.

Molly

"It's curable."

A quick post--

Mixed news from mom's path report. Most important to note first is the surgeon said "it's curable." So that was a relief. However, there was a tiny bit of cancer in 2 lymph nodes, and they are a bit concerned the tumor was too close to the bladder wall so she does have to have chemo. But again, it is curable. She is ready to take it on and doesn't seem one bit scared. The other interesting thing is that the surgeon said when she returns for her week follow up that they will think about the next surgery--to get rid of the colostomy. We were surprised at that because he sort implied that she may not want to do it, since it is a pretty tough operation. What he didn't know is she is a tough bird--is only taking regular Tylenol since her surgery--so that impressed hiim I am sure! Sister Sue and I, plus mom and dad, are feeling ok about all this. Just glad they didn't say it was grave or anyting. I am relieved.

Please pray for Ava. She and her family need all our faith in a higher power as I write this.

I need to run now. Count your blessings, please.

Molly

No new is, well, just no news.

Still no word on the path report. I had my rough day yesterday and earlier tonight...I so can't stand to think about the worry my mom is going through. I keep making her talk about it--probably driving her nuts--but we talked all about my grandma's stomach cancer back in 1967, my cousin's testicular cancer about eight years ago that I forgot about, my two aunts' breast cancer...crap, no wonder we have cancer! I did tell my mom that she probably just saved my or my sister's life as we will now get colonoscopies.

Mom was grumpy when I called her after school today--her nurses were a bit slow on getting things taken care of--but she and my dad passed the "changing of the bag" test with flying colors with the stomal therapy people. We laughed at my mom's story about my dad: when he used to change our diapers, he would stuff toilet paper up his nose--I asked if he had to do that today and she said no, but she said SHE MIGHT next time. She says it is just the first whiff,....oh, golly, never mind. I keep forgetting I am not alone here!

I also just got off the phone with her and she sounds better than earlier. She gets REAL food tomorrow and is looking forward to buttermilk pancakes and orange juice. The doctor is a bit concerned that her incision looks inflamed so he wants to make sure she doesn't have an infection. If she does, it just means antibiotics. Either way, she is going home late tomorrow or Friday. That will make her happy.

I am still not done with Christmas shopping. When will I go? I don't WANT TO GO but internet shopping is out...

Celebrating Christmas with John and Ginger, their boys and wives and kids this weekend. We usually have these to die for special ordered crab legs that are so big you can only eat one, but the place screwed up and forgot to order them. Mimi is out searching the world for them as I write...we love them so much and it has become a tradition. This is a fairly quiet Brawley event as Brawley events go, as it is for the most part immediate family but it is still very much fun. Then Christmas Eve all the Brawleys come and it gets even crazier. Good times. We go to my parents on Christmas day.

Lori Baxter, thank you for your comments. I saw pictures from your website today--wow, you are a great photographer! I did not know you are doing that.

And finally, Ava has her surgery tomorrow at 8:30. Please say a quiet prayer and hope it is nothing but smooth sailing. They deserve it!

HO HO HO. love you all!

Molly

That awful feeling of worry.

Reality is setting in for my mom I think. We still don't have the path report yet, but today when I visited she made three comments that show me she is scared. Poor thing. The most hurt-filled one is when she says "I sure have gotten myself into this mess I guess." No one who has cancer should ever feel they are to blame--I suppose smokers feel it the most, but I know my mom blames herself since this could have been stopped earlier had she had a colonoscopy. One good thing she did say, which sort of tells me where her head is, was when we were talking about chemo--I told her the doctor said she wouldn't HAVE to do it even if it was needed (which I think we all know it will be needed) She looked at me and said "well, why WOULDn't I do it?"--meaning she will want to fight this. She is scared of the path report...golly, I know how that is. But I guess we will just have to wait and see how bad it is...ugh. This feeling is just awfulllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll.... And when my aunt and uncle came in she wouldn't say cancer--just mumbled about the obstruction and tumor...she does not want to say it and is so private about it....so unlike ME.

And here I am blabbing about it! Ooops. Oh well, I don't think anyone in her retirement hi-rise reads my blog. Anyway. My nerves are shot for her...I know what she is going through and there is nothing to take away that worry. Honestly, I hurt most because I don't want anyone to have the feeling of being scared about anything. It is so debilitating.

Today I saw Tara and Dr. Messinger and I believe I have three more appointments before surgery. For the first time today, I felt the needle go in--it hurt. Tara said my port is right under my incision so that could be why...plus new nerves endings I would guess. Dr. M came in and said they would be calling to schedule the surgery sometime this week--again, early February. I asked him if he had to open the entire incision and he said no, and he would be opening very close to Mr. Pizza Pocket. He then has to get the implant in (he called it a "VERY LARGE IMPLANT" by the way--in other words FATTY FATTY TWO BY FOR CAN'T GET THROUGH THE BATHROOM DOOR) and manipulate it around in the chest area that has been stretched. He mentioned "scoring the capsule", which I didn't understand, but the capsule is the scar tissue that has formed around the expander--he scores it with a tool, which will allow the implant to move in better. I have read about capsular constricture, which occurs once the implant is in and causes your implant to harden--and then I would be back to rock boob. You avoid capsular constricture by massaging your implants a lot. Can't you just see me in my office giving myself that great massage? : )

Hey, we have a new reader as of yesterday. When I was 11, I got a pen-pal from some organization I read in a magazine and became penpals with Debra, another 11 year old from England. Debra and I wrote each other ALL THE TIME, didn't we Debra? When I was a senior at Western, Debra and two of her friends came to the US and stayed with me and my roommates in our apartment. Talk about a crazy, fun-filled times! I think it was for about 3 weeks, right? Anyway, Debra and I do not write as much by hand anymore, but about once or twice a year we are in contact by email so yesterday I emailed her, and wallah! She is now reading my blog! Can you believe we have been writing now for 34 years? And have only met once....THAT, my friends, is the power of the pen--and now the Internet. If you can Deb, say hello. Debra is married to Mark and has a son and a daughter a year or two apart from my kids...small world, isn't it.

Jim just called and he finally shot a buck. WAHOO. Just a reject 6 point (technically, it's a four point since 2 of the six points have broken off) He is happy and my kids will be thrilled as they love venison. I know I should eat more of it since it is much better for you than beef, but I am so picky about smells since my neck surgery that I never really want it...anyway, glad for Jimmy. Maybe I will no longer be such a hunting widow!

Gotta run. Time to go to the game and support Andrew, the best bench warmer in the SMAC!

Love to all--keep praying.

Molly

Surgery done. Mom is primping and ready to go.

My mom had her surgery yesterday. A HUGE tumor...it had totally wrapped itself around the colon and squeezed it shut. Dr. Wysong said it had probably been there at least 5 years, most likely 10. Had she had a colonoscopy back in the day, it would have been caught. His worry now is that the tumor went through the colon wall so that may mean chemo, as he would be worried about it coming back. He took out lymph nodes but we won't know their status for a week. Dr. Wysong was very serious throughout his explanation, he started by saying the surgery went well, but it was very difficult....once he left my dad and I looked at eachother and said "I thought he was going to tell us she died!" He was so GRAVE...but his words weren't bad so we are praying it is just his personality, which my sister says it is...we laughed about it with my mom, who is the most remarkable patient I have ever seen. She has had three surgerys (hip, knee, colon) in just over a years time and never complains. She says she is in no pain at all today, isn't too worried about the colostomy bag ("oh, it will just lay flat against my skin...all my clothes will cover it up"). She is annoyed that she doesn't have her Christmas shopping done, and is already wondering if she will be able to attend the New year's Eve party at their retirement village.

I am not going up there today because of the weather but hope to stop by after boob pump up on Tuesday--at least just to say hi. I want to send her something unique--like a mini-Christmas tree for her room--but will wait until tomorrow. She should be there a week. Once we get the path report back she heads to the oncologist, a woman my sister is friends with.

We are really at the easy part right now. Chemo scares me and even the doctor said she may opt not to do it. That sort of scares me. He used the word "I didn't realize the tumor had infiltrated the colon wall so that is a bit more worrisome." I hate the word "worrisome" as it is the word Dr. H used when he told me of my cancer. Worry in itself is such a debiliating thing.

Today, my mom is my inspiration. When I spoke with her this morning, she said she had just combed her hair and put on lipstick. Gotta love that!

Thanks for your prayers. Please pray for a manageable path report. My parents are in such a good place in their 75 year old lives that I want them to have more than a few more years of fun and happiness.

Molly

Pass the Xanax

My mom has colon cancer.

Just like that. I talked to her Tuesday and she had been sick to her stomach--doctor poked all around and said it was a stomach virus--sends her home. Today, her belly is distended so they give her the CT at Bronson at 6:30 p.m. At 9:00 my sister called and said "Mom has colon cancer."

FRICK. I don't know much about colon cancer; the two people I know who have had it have passed away. I don't like that percentage that is for sure. Tomorrow she will be having surgery--her bowel is obstruction by the mass and the doctor said her colon is in pretty bad shape...he did say that he treats it by surgery and I guess no chemo or radiation. But Ginger's mom, Iva, had to have chemo, etc because when hers was found it had spread. Who know with my mom. She hadn't gone to the doctor for 30 years --until about 5 years ago. Never had a colonoscopy. FRICK.

This is so strange to me. I am more emotionally affected by this than my own cancer.

I guess I need to do some reading. Please pray that surgery goes well and that it hasn't spread. I know you will and I thank you.

Molly

Malibus, bowels, and exploding boobs.

A couple different things to talk about...

First, I GOT A NEW CAR! God love my Nimmy...it is my Christmas present sort of...one of those pretty black spankin' new Malibus. Sharp if I don't say so myself. If you see me, honk and wave. : )

The day was great when I saw the car in my driveway, but then my sister called and my mom is headed for the hospital. They are thinking it is an obstructed small bowel...more tests tonight and then we will see. My parents are scared to death and I just had to ask my sister if she thought it could be cancer or something worse, and she said she (my mom) is so symptomatic, it most likely is the obstruction. I am somewhat of a wreck ...can deal with surgery and all that, just don't let it be cancer. My mom's mom died of stomach cancer so the fact her stomach is in so much pain scares me. But again, Nurse Sue (my sis) says she does believe the doc when he says he suspects it is a bowel obstruction. I will keep you posted of course, but I tell you what if it turns out to be cancer I will need every last Xanax pill I can find.

Exploding. That is the latest worry in my breast cancer journey. I went for my latest expansion yesterday, did the 60 cc's which puts me at 800 total. That is the limit for the expander in me. However, Dr. M says he wants to go "the max" because of Mr. Pizza Pocket not quite filling in, so we are going to continue on weekly until most likely the beginning of February. Then surgery. Then he says his only worry is that the expander could explode.
SERIOUSLY! I laughed, thinking he was kidding, but he said, no really, it could, but all it would do is deflate and then I would need to call him as soon as the office opened. I can't begin to describe what this thing looks and feels like. Today I was in my office and literally my boob ran into the filing cabinet because it sticks out further than anything else. I hardly felt it. If it was bumpy it would feel like a hard knee cap. And it really does feel like it could explode at any minute. At first I was concerned it would like squirt all over on the outside, but he says my skin is intact so no worries there. CAn you just imagine? WOW.

Gotta run Josh to the game in my new car. How fun is that. No Food or drink will ever go in this car.... well at least until Monday.

More later. Say a little prayer for my mommy, please.

Molly

Yesterday. And then Today.

Snow day, snow day, snow day. It was wonderful--perhaps not needed--but definitely enjoyed! Took the kids to the mall, which is an unusual event for us, and got a few Christmas gifts. Also had a yummy lunch at Olive Garden, and carried on a nice conversation with both boys without either of them fighting. Almost like heaven.

I did not go to Dr. M today because of fear of slippery roads...going Thursday. Just let Shade out right now and I will say that if this all freezes, I could be Dorothy Hamill on our back patio. Did you all know that I used to figure skate? Go figure. (no pun intended...well, yes, I guess it was intended.)

Last week, as I have mentioned, was a rough week at school. My co-workers and I had all mentioned that it had been such a slow school year in terms of any major events--and then, KAPOOEY! All heck breaks loose with all kinds of things happening. But after all is said and done, I still love my job, and those of you who know me know that I no matter what I do, whether it is writing a letter of recommendation, sitting on a committee, expelling a student, etc., I take my job very seriously and hope that I make a difference. It is hard not being in the classroom because I miss those learning relationships with kids. It seems like any guidance I ever give is after drama has unfolded (and wow, I have decided 10th grade girls have more drama than daytime television!) and when you are in the classroom, you can sort of "steer" kids in the right direction. I will be honest with you, at times I wonder if I should go back to the classroom--I miss teaching kids about literature, and how to write, even if it is just about your beat up Chevy that you have been working on in the garage with your dad for six months. ( I used to teach a "hands on" type writing class for seniors and mainly boys took it--I can't tell you how many boys wrote papers about their cars!) I miss brainstorming with kids about ways to make Niles High School a better place, and ways to make a change by taking action, rather than just complaining or saying "why don't THEY do this... or THEY do that..." I love it when I hear from former students who remember reading Catcher in the Rye and really understanding the HUGE amount of allusions and symbolism... I ran into one girl (woman) at Dr. T's office and she said she can still talk about that book because of my class--it was the only book she ever read at that point in her life. This is when I question where I am best supposed to be. (that is a dumb sentence but you know what I mean)

This coming weekend is the Freund (Ginger's maiden name) side of the family Christmas. This is nice and relaxed and features The Christmas cake, which is a cake that had red and green jello in in. I don't think I have ever tasted it but it is pretty. We also play Dirty Bingo, where we all draw a card and then choose gifts from a pile. You can steal others gifts and there hasn't been a Christmas yet that a child hasn't cried from some dumb adult stealing his gift. One year Cousin Amy chose a big box of candy and to make sure no one stole it, she opened it and licked every single piece of candy. Lottery tickets were a favorite--so much so we banned them. The gifts are supposed to be worth $10--sometimes we think some didn't get that memo--but all in all it is really fun--really! And of course we eat non-stop. This Saturday tho' Andrew has a basketball game so we have to start early.

I continue to wonder about my ear. I know, you thought I forgot about it, but it is still there, bugging me. The biggest issue now is dizziness...I think my labrynthitis may be back...luckily, it mainly happens when I am already in bed and not walking around. Yes, it scares me but I am a bit numb about worrying anymore, so until I drop down half dead, I am ignoring it.

Molly

Cancer strikes again.

Cancer strikes again. A good friend of Jim's brother Danny found out this week he has leukemia. He is in his late 30's. Dr. Ansari will also be his doctor. Please add him to the numerous prayers we are all sending up... When will this stop?

I ventured to the mall area today and needless to say, I won't be going back. Traffic is just awful! Internet shopping is so much easier, and most places are giving free shipping if you spend enough (which of course I do). Still looking for the right thing for the kids. Thinking about getting Jim a bathrobe. He has one too many times had to let the dog out in the middle of the night in his birthday suit. Ooops....once again, TMI you say! Josh talked me into going to Famous Daves which was fine, but I longingly looked over at Olive Garden for my all you can eat soup, salad and breadsticks. Josh sat across from me, bathed in Rich and Sassy BBQ sauce. He is a fun shopper and loves his ribs.

Tomorrow we are having a group birthday party for Andrew, 17, Zack , 14, and
Quinn, 12 (I think) As always we have it at Ginger's house...weather forecast is bad--ice I hear--so the ILS (in-laws) are nervous. I tease them that they are getting old--they are Weather Channel freaks (I am too if we are getting snow) and won't leave the house if there is a chance of bad anything.

OMG! I forgot! Another momentous occasion in my cancer journey. I no longer have to wear Ms. Filler Boob anymore! She makes it way tooooo big and bulky. The boob is about to burst I swear tho' and hope next week Woody gives me an idea. I don't know how much bigger my skin will go. She looks almost perfectly round and FAKE, like a supermodel or something. HA.

Josh and I went to the girl's basketball game tonight so he is walking throughout the house cheering like he is still at the game. He just chanted "Time to take a bath" and is now singing our fight song in the bathroom.

Andrew is going to a friend's house tonight to make Christmas cookies. I told him I thought that sounded like a lot of fun. There is a whole group of them going. Someone has to teach him to cook. Something very safe and wholesome and I bet they WILL have a lot of fun.

Thanks for your comments --I love hearing from all of you and knowing you are out there.

Again, in case any one has forgotten, cancer SUCKS.

Molly

Crap and Fiji water

Still here. Have had crappy week. Got the stomach flu on Andrew's birthday, watched Andrew's basketball team get demolished by Mattawan on Andrew's birthday, had to watch Andrew deal with crap at school on his birthday that NEVER should have happened, and well, things are just sort of crappy. But I guess it is all relative--it's not like I have cancer or anything! Oh wait, I do--well, at least I did.

Of course when I did get the stomach flu I immediately thought that cancer was ravaging through my intestines. But a good puke cured it. (ok, sorry, that is a bit too detailed even for me) I am feeling better and made it to work today to face the crap that was getting crappier. Just all part of the job I guess.

Also had a boob fill up today--didn't even see Dr. M. Nothing interesting to report. 60 cc's, still got Mr. Pizza Pocket who now features a lovely shiny stretch "worm" as I call it. Think pregnancy stretch marks. UCK.

Let's talk about my little Kristina. Don't you just love her? If you don't read Jamie's blog about Ava you may not know that Kristina, who lives 1000's of miles away, blogged a very touching note to Jamie. Kristina is my BC sister, like TWIN sister, since we have the same kind, and of course none of us have ever met her, have no clue what she looks like, but through the power of WORDS she touched me, Jamie's family, many others, and most importantly, Jamie. Love the internet and once again, know that blogging is important.

April, if you are out there, I have had people ask about Troy. If you don't mind, will you post an update? We are all still praying for him.

John and Ginger are back. WAHOO! Pam and I LOVE our IN-LAWS. (I am sure Aida does too but I talk to Mimi more often) I know I have talked a lot about Crazy Mil, but Crazy Fil deserves some press too. John, Jim's dad, knows everybody, or at least thinks he does. (what actually happens is this: Strange person: Hey John,how are you? John: Hey, great! How's the fishing? Strange person: Great...yada yada yada." Conversation continues for 45 minutes while Ginger waits patiently. John and Ginger get in truck to drive away. John: Ginger, who was that?") We love him, despite his wackiness about half-empty pop cans, "you'd better eat everything on your plate", "I'm going to get your gizzard" which he says to all babies, scaring the bejeezus out of them and their parents, he says "Yello" when he answers the phone, back in his day "the athletic director, the principal and the coach rode the bus to all the games", he tells loads of dirty jokes...oh golly, there are so many John Brawleyisms I can't even list them. But he is the best father, the best grandfather and loves his family so much. Who could ask for more? He also lets my dog out everyday and swears he has taught her how to sit, shake, bow, and eat a cookie on her nose...we will let him think that too. I do love that man.

I want you all to know Josh ordered the famous $5 pizza from Saylors tonight. It cost $11. Don't ask me how. Mr. Economist (Josh) declared it "worth it."

On Fridays Jim is home a half day and the last two Fridays Andrew brought his girlfriend Kait home for lunch, which Jim makes. It reminds him of when his grandma used to make everyone lunch at the "shop". So today he comes home with groceries and about 12 bottles of Fiji water, the best bottled water around, but also expensive. Josh, Mr. Economist, says "geesh dad, why Fiji water? I thought we were poor" to which Jim says "It's for Kait, I know she likes water and I have never had a girl around much so she deserves it."

Can you imagine what he will be like as a grandfather if we have granddaughters? WOW. But again, that shows what a wonderful guy he is too.
I just have such wonderful men in my life. (said with just a TOUCH of sarcasm)

I don't know. IDK. MBFFRose. Obviously, time to go.

HO HO HO to all of you.

Molly

December 1. I want snow.

I am loving the Christmas spirits right now. I bought my Chai tea from Brew Ha Ha's, turned up the Christmas music in the car, drove to Dowagiac to pick up Andrew's letterman's jacket, looked at all the beautiful windows dressings in downtown Dowagiac, sang all the way home. Speaking of downtown, I really think Niles is looking better and better. I haven't checked out the new Kitchen Connection store but will soon.

I am having issues with my expanded boob. It is much higher than the other one, and with the foam thingy in, it's too big. Now, please don't check me out to see if I am telling the truth, but trust me, 'tis looking a bit lopsided. Feeling good--but I swear I have arthritis everywhere. (yes, I occasionally think it is bone mets, I won't lie)

I spoke to two other cancer survivors I work with this week and it so made me realize I am not the only one on this journey. Susan, a bc survivor, did nothing but share some of her day to day events with her journey but that simple conversation made me realize she and I are in exactly the same place for the most part--both have the fear of recurrence but don't have to worry about it until something shows up or test time. It just made me feel like I am in this with someone. She's such a kind lady--thank goodness she is there for me. And then Pat, another teacher, is going through some treatments and is suffering in some ways, but her attitude is fantastic. She shares her worries too...and again, I know I am not alone. Cancer is such a mental thing for me at this point. Did I tell you all that I called to renew a script for Andrew (his inhaler) and then thought I should maybe get some more XANAX just in case I had some bad days...and for March when test time comes around. Remember how Ginger had to tell my original surgeon to give me more than 12 pills (he scribed me 25 in the end) Well, those 25 got me through July, August, September, and October...never needed any after my surgery. So anyway, I am not sure Dr. Tacket will get them to me but sure enough, he gave me 90! That just made me laugh. He probably thinks I am a nervous nellie after my freaking out about my rash...he probably figures hell, let's get her looped up so she doesn't go nutty on me. Anyway, so I have my XANAX ready and waiting for my sleepless nights or obsessive days.

Went and watched our girls play last night. It was fun. I wasn't sure how it would be to watch girls on a Friday night, but the crowd was good. Andrew's season opens Tuesday--his birthday--at Mattawan. He will be playing a bench role this year, which is new to him in basketball, but he is fine with it. I am not sure how good our team will be but Andrew is enjoying his coach and his teammates.

If you want to do something really funny with some family photos go to http://www.elfyourself.com/ and check out this funny little thing you can do with your pictures. Please click on the link at the top of the left hand side of this page and you will see what I mean. Stars of this are Dan Holland, my beloved lab Shade, Josh, and Andrew. It makes me giggle all the time.

Jim went to Rural King, his favorite little store. I am married to a hick I am afraid. But I love my hick more than anything.

I need to continue on with my typical Saturday work. Laundry, some decorating, laundry, and some more laundry.

Blessings to all--

Molly

My hip hurts.

Am I one of those annoying people who make you look at photos all the time? Sorry, but I love to look at these to remind me of what a great time we had. It just shows you you can have a good time ANYWHERE, ANY TIME.

Hmmm....Dr. M measured me yesterday, which means he took his little tape measure and measured from top of Mr. Ski Slope over to Mr. Pizza Pocket. I don't know why he did it exactly, but I did have to laugh a bit when he held Mr. Pizza Pocket with his finger tips--I think it sort of freaks him out too. After my appointment (I got 60 ccs with NO pain so that is good) he was looking at a catalog of breast implants. So maybe we are getting there. I think I am at 670 cc's total--I thought I was further but he said no. Oh well.

Made Pam feel Rock Boob while we were in the UP. Pam has seen every part of my body, not to mention some internal "crap" (sssh...MIMI!!!!!) I don't share with just anyone (She was with me for the birth of my kids) so feeling Rock Boob was a walk in the park for her. I like people to feel it because they feel sorry for me--and it is hard to believe that this thing is really inside me. It is now way bigger than a softball and harder too.

My latest worry is whether I should have had a bone scan or not. Most BC survivors seem to have them routinely and I did not have one and in emailing with others, they all say it is basically standard now. Other than my hip that has been hurting for probably 10 years, my bones seem fine. But that hip is pretty sore. I have mentioned it over the years to my doctors but I think all of them attribute it to how slim I am. (that's a JOKE, geesh) Anyway...that is the worry of the week right now. Plus, still a nagging cough but my whole family has that so I guess that is all it is.

Andrew turns 17 Tuesday. Holy crap, that is like old. It's nice in a way, as the older my kids get the more relieved I feel that I am getting them raised...in speaking with another cancer survivor she too admitted the little nagging doubts about how long we have, will this be our last Christmas, that type of thing. It never really leaves your mind.

Little Ava Christine weighs 8 pounds now! And her voice is there, and she is cooing, smiling, etc. Friday is the echo which will determine if she needs immediate surgery. Lots of good milestones but still so many worries.

John and Ginger should be home this weekend. Then we start the what seems like million Christmases we have. Such a fun time but certainly not a time to go on a diet.

And yes, I still have not done much shopping. EEEKKKK.

Love to you all--hope you like the pictures. It's not the Taj Mahal but it sure is paradise.

Molly

Poptarts and the Pope.

Hello, and Happy Post Turkey/Black Friday to all of you. I am back from the UP with mixed emotions as always--glad to be home in my own house but the four days went way too fast. The ride there was MISERABLE--we left Niles at 1:18 p.m. and were still in northwest Chicago at 7:00 p.m. Yes, I was driving and I thought I was going to go INSANE from all the stop, start, stop start, etc. Once Jim started driving at 8:15 p.m., the rest of the trip flew by, with us finally arriving at 12:45 a.m.. Conversely, the ride home took 7.5 hours, so a whole 4 hours shorter than the way up. We left at 3 AM and have decided that is the only time to go. Thanks to my buddy Ken at work for lending us the IPASS--woohoo--that was HUGE in saving time, at least on the way home.

But what a fun time we had. I did nothing that I planned to do. We ate lots of course--I drew the green bean casserole (I think Ginger rigged it) but when I got home from the store it was already done, as my Nimmy took care of it. Ginger was trying to save herself some work by getting us all to help out but what she did to help us was to write the recipe of every dish on an index card and put all the ingredients, including any pot, dish or pan needed, in a grocery bag so our mini-meal was all right there. She is such a crazy MIL.

I wish I could say I never thought of cancer once, but I did. It was rather morbid, but everytime I would mention something about next year or next time--like "Next year we need to remember to bring more socks" or "next year, we need to do the cookie walk in Boulder Junction" I would say those things outloud but then in my head end with "If I am still alive."

NOW HOW STUPID IS THAT? What is really stupid is I don't really think I will be dead next year but it kept creeping in my head. You know what, it's that damned little cancer devil that used to hang out when I was first diagnosed! I need to flick that sucker off. It was almost comical really, and I think I started to say it to myself just to be stupid. Not a really funny thing to laugh at but it kept happening. What a moron I can be.

One thing that STILL is making me giggle is Pooh, Jim's youngest brother's story about a recent earache. As we were all sitting around one morning in our comfy clothes, drinking coffee and tea, we were talking about earaches (most of our entertainment was watching Talon, my almost two year old nephew, run around the room in circles). So, all the parents are telling their children's ear ache stories when Pooh, out of no where says, "yeh, my worst earache was when I had that Poptart in my ear."

WHAT???

He gets this sheepish look on his face and tells of a morning when he was still in bed and Zoe, his daughter, crawled into bed with him with a Poptart. He says he remembers it vividly--rolling over, and seeing, in slow motion, this small piece of Poptart break away from the larger piece, and tumble directly into his ear. He wasn't positive that it went in but a bit later the pain started so off he goes to Dr. Pam (because Pam works in the medical field we go to her for all medical needs). Pam, having all the correct tools, finds one of those bulb syringes that all new moms get to suck snot out of their baby's nose, and goes to town, armed with the syringe and some hydrogen pyroxide. Sure enough, out comes some nasty stuff and wallah, Pooh's earache is no more.

Pooh has to be one of the funniest guys I know. We always laugh at his Pooh'isms--he really is an intelligent guy but seems to get things mixed up when it comes to speaking. He calls deodorant "deodormint" (the smell) and windshield wipers "winsheildshipers." There are a million Pooh'ism's out there--another funny one is when he mixes his cliches-like when he is affirming something that he feels strongly about and he says "does the Pope shit in the woods?" when what he really meant to say was either "Is the Pope Catholic" or "Does a bear shit in the woods?" And when he disagrees with something it is always "that dog don't hunt." For a long time his life goal was to live in a corn field. I am happy to say he is a very successful lineman for AEP and makes good good money keeping our electricity on. I love that kid. Pooh does have a real name by the way--his name is David but no one has ever called him that. Even now that he's like 35 years old!

I must admit I did NOT make cookies with Josh, but Ginger and all the kids made peanut butter cookies from scratch so Josh said that was close enough. He said I could make it up to him tonight by making my first of many batches of Christmas cookies. I will do that because they are simple, simple, simple. (do not ask for any recipe as you know there isn't one)

I have more to report--and did take some photos that I will share.

I hope everyone loved their holiday weekend as much as I.

TTFN.

Molly

Pam just called and she and her clan are already on their way to the UP. She said she almost felt guilty going up before me...it's ok, but I am jealous that they will be waking up tomorrow to Ginger's humongous breakfast and I will be fighting with my kids to GET UP, GET GOING, etc. Then work. Nah, it really is ok. I am still packing anyway. The plan, for those of you who care, is to leave as soon as Andrew is done with practice. Jeff/Sam are riding with Matt and his girlfriend Brooke, and Danny; Pooh is riding with Zack and Zoe; and the four of us plus Dan Holland and Shade. So three cars. Everyone else is already there. We hope to caravan it but usually lose someone going around Chicago. My goal is to be there by midnight.

Boob fill was easy today but Dr. M was um..Woodyish today. He just isn't all the supportive. When I asked for something just in case my spasms were bad tomorrow he said "well just take some Ibuprofen." Spoken like someone who doesn't have a softball sized rock under a tight piece of muscle. Luckily, I am in no pain yet, so that is a good sign anyway. He did mention that he is going to start looking for the right implant for me. Before, he only mentioned saline but today he said it might be gel---supposedly the gel are more natural feeling. He did say that soon the right side will stick out way further than the left...so I may have to move Ms. Filler over to the good side! Pizza Pocket is still hanging around. I will check him out tonight to see if any saline is getting in there as required.

Ginger has informed us all that we will all have a role in preparing Thanksgiving dinner this year. (ssshh...what that means is that the GUYS will actually have to help) She has listed all the chores/foods/etc on slips of paper and we will draw our task. I told her SHE has to do the turkey as Josh being in charge of the bird ain't gonna cut it. She agreed. I always do the green bean casserole and she has already figured we need 8-10 cans of green beans to feed everybody. However, since I may not draw that, I do have to be prepared for something else. We laughed at the thought of Jeff Brawley getting scalloped corn. (I hope he does get it as I don't eat it so if he ruins it, ah well) I am not sure anyon eats the scalloped corn anyway.

Jimmy turns 40 tomorrow! Happy Birthday Nimmy! God love him. He stayed home tonight and has been packing, getting all the hunting clothes sealed tightly in containers so no smells get to them, getting boots for all of us, hunting socks, etc. I just have to pack my own stuff so it is quite easy. I actually take more books than clothes.

I won't be back until after Sunday, so I want to wish all of you a special and thankful Thanksgiving. You know how thankful I am this year...and i hope that you too are appreciating all that you have, not worrying about what you don't have, and just ENJOY ENJOY ENJOY.

Life is good.

Molly

Three words changed my life.

For the UP being my favorite place on earth, I sure don't have very many photos. But I did find some to liven up the blog. This trip, I will take more photos.

I realize my UP Salute makes my blog not so much about cancer anymore, but cancer certainly is the catalyst for everything--from thinking about what is important, for wanting to reach out to others, for speaking my mind when needed, for loving my kids despite the fact that they would both rather play dodgeball than learn, for loving my husband even though he snores like crazy lately and is never home, for appreciating my crazy Niles family and appreciating the sanity, the consistency and the peacefulness of my own parents and sister in Kalamazoo, for loving my job, for adoring the kids who attend NHS, and for having fun with all my co-workers.

I don't think I would have ever acknowledged all that is great in my life if it wasn't for those three little words: you have cancer.

More later.

Molly

Ava, Blammo, and my own little Soldier Boy

It is so good to hear from some of you that you are still reading. It is much appreciated.

Just so you know, Hunting Widow of the Year got sloppy joes for dinner last night but is hoping to go out tonight.

Ava Christine is on my mind these days. Heath says that she is smiling all the time now. Can you imagine how sweet that is??? She is so damn cute with her crazy hair, and then to add smiles to that face. Remarkable. I am also glad that the Jamies are having a chance to experience the rewarding part of parenting that has been postponed...I just keep thinking about seeing my own children smile when they were little and how it just makes everyone around smile. It also tells me that despite Ava's condition she is well aware of the love around her and knows perfectly well who rules the roost already. Poor Heather/Billy couldn't go to U of M this weekend because of rotten colds, but I believe the whole clan will descend on U of M for Turkey Day. Which reminds me, don't forget to support the Ronald McDonald houses...I know it has been a great help to Jamie and Jamie.

I swear my dryer runs non stop on weekends. Does laundry even end?

I am now reading a book called The Eyre Affair and it is one unusual book for me to read. I can't really describe it except to say it is about a woman named Thursday Next and she is a member of Special Ops--27, which is a group of FBI type agents that try to solve crimes. It involves time travel and is so unlike anything I have ever really enjoyed and I am VERY intrigued with it, although I've barely started it. Jim's buddy, Andy Hodgman, sent it to me and he says it is a great series. I love to find new books! I will keep you posted.

Tour guide Ginger is making some changes for our sleeping arrangements in the UP. Uh-oh, I hope there are no issues, but as it stands now, Jim and I are being moved to the old house, and all the "single" boys are sleeping Walton style in the basement. My only request is that I slept in one of the downstairs bedrooms of the old house--which is no problem. Not sure why Ginger wants to do this, but it is ok by me. Jim figures she doesn't want us women to have to have to walk around in our pajamas in front of the boys...oh, who knows with Crazy Mil! : ) John B. says Ginger has now gone and bought a second 20 pound turkey and goes to the store two times a day. (so do I when I am up there) Another thing I do up there that everyone likes to laugh at is I buy all the trashy/gossipy type magazines like National Enquirer, The Globe, OK!, etc. They all laugh at me but EVERYONE reads it so there! It is just another way to escape reality.

If any of you or your children have a Nintendo DS I highly recommend getting one of the Brain Age games that you may have seen on TV. They are addicting. Not sure what made me think of that but we will be taking ours up North. We have very competitive rivalries in our household alone......

Tuesday is Fill up Day. It was nice not having muscle spasms for a week. I am somewhat concerned about the pain on the way to the UP. I think I may ask Dr. M for something for it--I keep taking my leftover pain meds from the surgery and I would guess a muscle relaxer might be better. Poor Jim, just another excuse for me NOT to drive. (trust me, I have done my fair share of driving to and from the UP)

Oh my gosh! I have been meaning to get some more info on my blog but I want you all to save the date of January 4 on your calendars! The Niles High ...uh...is it Boosters of Project Graduation?....crap, I don't know...but anyway, they are having a big old dance for us oldies (ie. NOT our kids) The dance will feature Blammo, which I hear is a great band....this will be at the St. Mary's Gym...that is all I know off the top of my head but I WILL get more info. So, let's all plan to go, don't you think? No matter what the cause is, I am sure it will be fun. And maybe I will even have a drink!

Next time I write I am going to tell some funny stories about our travels to and from the UP. And I may even tell Pam's cranberry story.

Josh keeps running by me singing "OOH, Soulja boy, Superman," whatever whatever that crazy song is.... I call him my little Billy Elliot.

TTFN. And did you check your mammary glands last night?

Molly

Molly Brawley: Hunting Widow of the Year

Finally, the weekend is here. Nothing special planned but I may THINK about going shopping.

If any of you read my blog yesterday I mentioned the Oprah show about hoarders. Pam, my sister in law, was actually at that show. No, she is not a hoarder but IS an expert at getting tickets to the Oprah show. I think this is her second time and she always has an interesting story to tell about Oprah. One thing that she said was funny was that Oprah came out and was commenting on how short her pants were...Oprah said the audience probably couldn't believe that somebody with her kind of money had to wear these short ol' pants. (Kim Knoll, if Oprah can do it so can you!) Pam also mentioned that Oprah seemed somewhat subdued compared to the other time she went to the show--Pam thinks it is because of the trouble for which her school in Africa is under scrutiny. Ok, that is my celebrity report of the night.

Andrew got the all clear from the coach to go to the UP--thank goodness. I will tell you I am somewhat annoyed with my soon to be 17 year old these days...today he told the sub for his calculus teacher that he needed to go see me in the office. And guess where he went? To the gym to play dodgeball. For 40 minutes!!!! Granted, he was done with his three problems, but why can't I have a kid who wants to get ahead and practice more math problems, or do homework for English, whatever? No, I get the dodgeball freak. I sure hope Mr. Cybulskis does not read this blog as I am sure he will be none too happy to learn that Mr. B minus/C plus (Andrew) thinks dodgeball is more important than pre-calc.

Everyone at work is suffering from chills, sniffles, coughs, etc. I of course am focused on this cough I have (aka lung cancer in pyschochondria language). Speaking of cancer, (what??? me?? never!!!!) Marcia called and reported that Troy's surgery went without complication. There were two enlarged lymph nodes which I am sure are worrisome--they won't have results for a week or so--but Troy might be able to come home as soon as Sunday, which is early from what I hear. April, if you have a chance to post, let us know how you all are doing. I am not sure if you have access to a computer, but I thought about you guys all day and am glad this part is done for you.

No one has shot a deer in our family as far as I know. Today I am starting to get annoyed with my husband being gone so much. Well, not really, but I sure could be if I wanted to be. Since October 1, other than maybe a handful of times, he has hunted EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. And, every single weekend morning. Wow. I am a good wife and deserve dinner, diamonds, and a vacation to somewhere warm for spring break. Too bad Jim never reads my blog to get the hints. You know, skip the diamonds--food and a warm spring break are good enough : )

Would I really bore you with telling you AGAIN that I can't wait for the UP? You would think it was the damned Taj Mahal or something, but it isn't even close. Granted, we have all the comforts of home, like Direct TV, HEAT, a good shower, phone, microwave, etc. but our sleeping arrangements are rather Waltonesque in that most of us who stay at the smaller but newer house sleep in the basement, which is really one large room with 6 double beds, four twin beds and two couches. We lay in bed with everyone and their neighbor nearby, plus the washer and dryer. The mattresses are gawd awful and sag in the middle but we all sleep together, happy as the old family in Willy Wonka. In the other house, which really is our favorite because it is large and really old, there are 5 bedrooms, a large dining room, the best shower in all of Michigan (just a good spray--it sure ain't fancy or nuttin'), a big living area, a screened porch, and a scary basement that Matt Brawley will never ever venture into. There is no phone, but somehow those Yoopers were smart enough to hook together the one in the smaller house to the bigger house so with the push of a button you can get phone calls. Also, the older house has a normal oven--Ginger has to cook the turkey, all 24 pounds of it, in that oven because the one at her house is sort of small--well, really small. This year, I think everyone except Dan/Aida and kids, and my immediate family, plus John, Ginger, Al, and Shade, will stay in the old house. (Al is John and Ginger's black lab) The old house is separated from the new house by about 50 yards or so--you should see us trek back and forth in snow drifts three feet tall. I still remember Shade's first Thanksgiving up there--the snow was higher than she was and she had a blast.

Josh and I were making chocolate chip cookies the other night--correction--we "opened a package and placed shaped cookie dough on a pan and baked them" the other night--when I mentioned the old fashioned kind of way of making chocolate chip coookies, and how even though it was much more time consuming, it was fun. Josh sort of squinted, like he was digging deep into his memory, and he got this big ol' smile on his face and said "I REMEMBER DOING THAT! Can we do it again sometime?" How pathetic am I as a mother? So, I promised him we would make the old fashioned kind of chocolate chip cookies while we are in the UP.

Tell me to shut up about the UP any time.

Alright, I supposed I either have to think about dinner or maybe think about where I should make Jim take me tonight, since I proclaimed myself Hunting Widow of the Year. Andrew is off with Kait tonight, and since Josh came home sick from school he is walking around with a blanket wrapped around him, bored. If I mention dinner out, he will have a miraculous recovery.

By the way, is anyone out there reading this anymore? Say hello if you have a chance. Oh, I get it. You are tired of hearing about the UP, aren't you? I promise never to mention it again.

Never. Sorry, I just can't do it!

Blessings to all of you--have a wonderful evening and don't forget to give your boobies a good feel tonight.

Molly

I have a bad attitude.

November 15 in the extended Brawley family is almost a national holiday--opening day of deer season. Much to my disagreement, Jim allowed Andrew to hunt this morning before school since now that he made varsity basketball, he can't hunt after school. He missed his tutor/independent study class, which really isn't a big deal, but then missed his AP Biology class because he had to go to the orthodontist. Tomorrow, he has to miss classes because of his PSI program that inv0lves him going to the middle school to talk about abstinance instead of SEX! (rather an interesting program...it's Andrew's second year in it) Anyway, he'd better keep his grades up.

Josh is asleep on the couch, in the middle of our addictive Law & Order show. We watch reruns every night together...Josh wants to be a lawyer because of the show. Jim just called and is on his way home from his hunt--he's stopping by brother Pooh's house to see how others did today.

Looking forward to the UP, of course. Now get this. You all know Aida, my sis-in-law--married to Danny. They have three kids--twin 5 year olds and a 2 year old. Brave Aida is heading to the UP with just her and the kids the day before we all leave on Wednesday. It is a 9 hour drive--through Chicago! I think she is one brave woman. Danny and Pooh will follow us up on Wednesday. I think Johnny and Pam are leaving Tuesday. So we will be the last to arrive but that is ok. I hope we have smooth sailing but lots of snow once we get there.

Andrew has to find out if basketball will interfere with our travel plans. I sure hope not because I think he would quit bball before giving up the trip. Josh is very excited ALL of us will be up there--plus more. I think we are at 29 now. Thank goodness for two houses!

I still haven't got my tree up like I planned. Maybe this weekend? I even thought about going Christmas shopping...that's early for me. The girls in the UP will most likely go to Boulder Junction, WS on Friday...they have some very quaint stores, good for a few gifts for sure.

Any of you watch Oprah today. I actually sit down and watch her now--never made time before. Today the show was on hoarders. Made me want to carry a trash bag around all night. Now I am paranoid I might be one. : )

If you haven't yet, go back to my last post and read Kristina's comment. It just shows me how ugly cancer is and frankly, pisses me off that yet again, someone is dying from something that can be solved for some people and not for others. It shows that doctors are just people but we rely on them to heal us and expect so much from them--when really, the only thing that might help the cause to wipe out cancer is more research. I agree with Kristina--we have a good prognosis but in the back of every cancer survivor's mind is "what if it comes back?" Hang in there Kristina--Karen is lucky to have a good friend like you who understands just a little more than others about this ugly thing called cancer. It just plain sucks. I hope today all of you can find some small amount of peace and comfort.

One last thing--check in on Ava's blog if you haven't. Jamie and Jamie are hanging in there, and Ava is even smiling now, (which makes me cry thinking about it) but her little valve is still leaking and she is facing MAJOR surgery soon--that is very life threatening. I admire the family so much...how such a little baby can have such an impact on all of us. You have to see the pictures too--what a doll.

One more last thing --sorry--good luck Troy at IU tomorrow! I know you are already on your way down there and surgery is on Friday. You will be so glad when it is over and you can feel like you are on the down hill slide of this journey...April, be strong and give those nurses heck if they aren't taking care of him well enough! : ) (I know they will)

Love to you all--thinking of you a lot Kristina--thanks for sharing and reminding us ALL that we need to appreciate our families, good health, and good friends.

Molly

We stand corrected.

What is up with my insomnia? I slept until 1:30 p.m. yesterday and 11:30 today. I did go to bed later than normal, but always wake up with the darn dog--who then falls right back to sleep. I am not WIDE awake mind you...just half way between awake and solid sleep...wierd wierd dreams but always sort of knowing that I am still awake? I am not up thinking about cancer...but my mind races and I can't stop thinking about really dumb stuff. Strangely, when this is going on, I am not upset at all...I spend time thinking/dreaming about how lucky I am and how content.



It is just really strange and come morning I can't get up.



A couple things from my last blog that the publishers of this blog must correct: 1) Contrary to what I thought, Andrew "can't stand" my tuna fish casserole. And 2) Rick at 5/6 and 11 actually said we are going to have 84 inches of snow...which is MORE than normal. I think Mike Hoffman of WNDU says that we are having less. I prefer Rick's forecast (sorry, Lonnie, I KNOW you hate snow). As you all know, I LOVE snow.



And hello Kristina! Your new house sounds lovely! And you, as always, sound so upbeat and happy. You are almost at your 1 year "cancerversary" aren't you? If I remember, you were diagnosed in January of '07. Good for you. And still NED (no evidence of disease) right? We LOVE NED!!!



Tuna fish casserole hater wants to get on the computer and I need to do laundry...bbl.

Ok, back to Kristina, our New Jersey friend. The UP stands for the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, where my family has a cabin...well, two, actually. (We used to have three but one burned down and the local PO-LICE thought it was burned down for the insurance...how funny is that? There was no insurance since it was empty and falling apart. It sits on the 500 acres that everyone hunts on) We all live in the Lower Peninsula, the one that is shaped like a mitten...and the UP is the upper part that Ii like to say is the scarf that goes with the mitten. When most people think if the UP they think of the Mackinac Bridge, which connects the peninsulas together. But for our cabin, it is quicker to go around Chicago, and up through Wisconsin to get to it. It takes about 9 hours...about twelve the other way. That is our geography lesson of the day.

Watched Dr. 90210 today...breast implants. They stuffed those things in like stuffing a turkey. One poor girl was about 23 and already had a bilateral mastectomy...I think her mom died of bc...but her first reconstruction wasn't good...so she had it re-done. Once will be enough for me that is for sure. Rock boob is still standing strong by the way. You could bounce a basketball off of it and rebound right into the hoop the thing is so hard.

I also have a huge blemish under my nose right now. And yes, it did cross my mind that is was ACC of the skin. A girl can't have a normal zit under her nose these days. Zit is an ugly word, just like armpit. My ear is bothering me less and less now, but I have a nagging cough, which I think is related to my constant runny nose. And of course my hip still hurts, but very little pain in the boob area. No expansion this week. Woohoo.

I need some ideas of what to get my lovely offspring for Christmas. Josh wants Direct TV in his bedroom. (my kids have tv's in their rooms for videos but no stations--AGHAST are they!!!) Any ideas for two teenaged boys would be appreciated.

Suzy Homemaker needs to get the potatoes on. Blessings to all of you.

Molly