Molly Elizabeth is exhausted...sitting here in my pj's, mainly because I was not in the mood for a bra, but have to get dressed to go to Subway for what seems to be a nightly visit of the $5 Footlong...we are just too tired to cook. At 9:30 last night Jim was cooking Andrew bacon, eggs, and toast when they both got home from football practice. I had gone upstairs to read, ended up turning on the Olympics, and stayed up until almost 1 AM. Sheesh.
Work flew by today...got lots accomplished in the scheduling aspect. I hope I can go back to work after my tattooing. I have a meeting at 7:30 tomorrow morning, then ad staff for an hour, and then I am on the road at 9:30.
I still have not heard on my polyp biopsies. They said they would send a letter--I am assuming they would have called had they been malignant--and I know they haven't called as I check Caller ID every day when I get home because my kids may forget to give me messages... I know I should call but haven't made the time. I figure no news is good news. I told myself I will call Monday.
My liver/rib pain IS better but not gone completely. At some point, you just get sick of thinking about this stuff. My new reality is worry all the time. But then I have to mentally NOT ALLOW it, which is easier said than done. But it can be done and does work for me, although you all hear the worst. But today--thought of cancer maybe three/four times total until now. That is amazing for me.
I am so tired I feel almost drunk.
Going to get moving or my entire family will starve.
Hugs--
MEB
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Senior year $$$$$$
Good evening. Today was busy. Forgot to remind both Josh and Andrew that they had PSI training so neither went. No big deal for Andrew as he has been a teen leader for three years, but this was Josh's first time. He will probably get fired before he even starts. They are going to go tomorrow. I feel foolish and normally would play the cancer card, but can't do that! : )
This afternoon Andrew had his senior pictures. I think it went well--they kick moms out, and rightly so--so I didn't see much. He forgot his mitt so most of his sports pics were with a football--I'm not that fond of sports pictures, but he had a few. I think my favorites will be his jacket and tie pictures--or maybe just the casual ones in a polo and shorts. We go back the 20th to watch a slide show of all the pictures and then the money starts flying out of my wallet I am sure. The first of many senior year expenses! It really was a fun experience and Andrew even said so.
Dawn--i can't believe your baby will be at the high school. We are freaking out about orientation--well, not really--but with this new database system we have we were not sure how we were going to get the schedules printed. But we did and are ready to go! We just had to hand write all students' locker combos on the schedule as that part is not ready to go. But those scared freshmen will have more than enough information to get them started!
Despite complaining about this new system we are using at work, I LOVE the challenge of it and know it will be awesome when finished. It will be better, more efficient, and easier to use. But right now we are pulling our hair out. Another thing we are doing this year is trying to go paperless when it comes to student discipline--in other words, if student gets in trouble, the teacher will type the document online (a referral) and I can access it from the student's file right on line. I love stuff like this but there are a few computer phobics who might not like it. Maybe they will write less referrals then? : )
I have met a new ACC/breast survivor (I wanted to write victim but I refuse) She actually lives in Michigan and is new to all of this--although she has already had her surgery. She had a bilateral mastectomy because of a strong family history and some suspicious things in her non-ACC breast. She is as scared as I was (and am on my bad days) so I hope emailing her and maybe this blog will help her. Besides the therapy I get from writing, the whole purpose of this blog was to maybe help other ACC/breast survivors--or any cancer survivor for that matter. Like I said before, I want something positive to come of this crap. (something positive better come of this since 1/2 the world thinks I am out of my mind because of it!)
Last year at this time we were either in Maine or well on our way there for the Little League World Series. Such a fun time that was. Remember Andrew being interviewed on TV? He said he couldn't wait to meet people from Japan and Mexicans--how funny was that? Ironically, last night he was interviewed for Fox 28's Fall Football Frenzy and he came home and said, "mom, I am much better at interviews now. I did not offend any ethnicity." Not sure when this will be on TV, but doubt we will ever see it.
Still watching the Olympics and staying up waaaaay too late. I felt so bad for the girl who messed up for the US in gymnastics. I just wanted to tell her "it's all good...you're healthy! Who cares about a gold medal?" Did you notice how busty she was for a gymnast? Jim liked her of course. Gotta love Michael Phelps. His mom seems like a fun lady, maybe I like her just because she is a principal.
Get this--Josh just left with his buddy Dustan--IN A CAR DRIVEN BY DUSTAN!!!!! Ugh. Yes, i realize Josh should be driving now too, but he can't yet. By the way, when you do see him driving, he will be sitting on a pillow I am sure. There probably should be a height requirement for driving. Come to think of it tho', those "16" year olds from China could never drive!
I haven't told you lately how much I love my dog. She keeps me so calm.
Enough for tonight--hope you are all doing well. My side is still aching and my throat/ear pain is back with a vengeance but i am coping. Nipple is Friday!
Molly
This afternoon Andrew had his senior pictures. I think it went well--they kick moms out, and rightly so--so I didn't see much. He forgot his mitt so most of his sports pics were with a football--I'm not that fond of sports pictures, but he had a few. I think my favorites will be his jacket and tie pictures--or maybe just the casual ones in a polo and shorts. We go back the 20th to watch a slide show of all the pictures and then the money starts flying out of my wallet I am sure. The first of many senior year expenses! It really was a fun experience and Andrew even said so.
Dawn--i can't believe your baby will be at the high school. We are freaking out about orientation--well, not really--but with this new database system we have we were not sure how we were going to get the schedules printed. But we did and are ready to go! We just had to hand write all students' locker combos on the schedule as that part is not ready to go. But those scared freshmen will have more than enough information to get them started!
Despite complaining about this new system we are using at work, I LOVE the challenge of it and know it will be awesome when finished. It will be better, more efficient, and easier to use. But right now we are pulling our hair out. Another thing we are doing this year is trying to go paperless when it comes to student discipline--in other words, if student gets in trouble, the teacher will type the document online (a referral) and I can access it from the student's file right on line. I love stuff like this but there are a few computer phobics who might not like it. Maybe they will write less referrals then? : )
I have met a new ACC/breast survivor (I wanted to write victim but I refuse) She actually lives in Michigan and is new to all of this--although she has already had her surgery. She had a bilateral mastectomy because of a strong family history and some suspicious things in her non-ACC breast. She is as scared as I was (and am on my bad days) so I hope emailing her and maybe this blog will help her. Besides the therapy I get from writing, the whole purpose of this blog was to maybe help other ACC/breast survivors--or any cancer survivor for that matter. Like I said before, I want something positive to come of this crap. (something positive better come of this since 1/2 the world thinks I am out of my mind because of it!)
Last year at this time we were either in Maine or well on our way there for the Little League World Series. Such a fun time that was. Remember Andrew being interviewed on TV? He said he couldn't wait to meet people from Japan and Mexicans--how funny was that? Ironically, last night he was interviewed for Fox 28's Fall Football Frenzy and he came home and said, "mom, I am much better at interviews now. I did not offend any ethnicity." Not sure when this will be on TV, but doubt we will ever see it.
Still watching the Olympics and staying up waaaaay too late. I felt so bad for the girl who messed up for the US in gymnastics. I just wanted to tell her "it's all good...you're healthy! Who cares about a gold medal?" Did you notice how busty she was for a gymnast? Jim liked her of course. Gotta love Michael Phelps. His mom seems like a fun lady, maybe I like her just because she is a principal.
Get this--Josh just left with his buddy Dustan--IN A CAR DRIVEN BY DUSTAN!!!!! Ugh. Yes, i realize Josh should be driving now too, but he can't yet. By the way, when you do see him driving, he will be sitting on a pillow I am sure. There probably should be a height requirement for driving. Come to think of it tho', those "16" year olds from China could never drive!
I haven't told you lately how much I love my dog. She keeps me so calm.
Enough for tonight--hope you are all doing well. My side is still aching and my throat/ear pain is back with a vengeance but i am coping. Nipple is Friday!
Molly
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Howdy.
No talking about pains today. It does me no good.
Did anyone watch the opening Ceremonies of the Olympics? I watched them alone and was so impressed I had to call my mom, who I grew up watching them with, to talk about them. They were so amazing to me...and I have watched a lot of Opening Ceremonies. My mom was even impressed. But then Jim came home and tried to burst my bubble by telling me how awful the Chinese people treat their people--making them practice 8 hours a day and spending more money on the ceremonies than on starving people. I said bah humbug to him, 'cause it sure looked pretty awesome to me.
It feels like football season, doesn't it? Football practice starts tomorrow for Andrew. I am glad he decided to play this year...after sitting 6 of 9 games last year, he was really leary of putting so much time in for no playing time, but decided to do it anyway. His physical therapy on his arm this winter has really helped--he was having some issues between throwing a baseball and then throwing a football but that has resolved itself. Jim is also coaching this year--is going to help with the freshman team. He took last year off because of my cancer. I am not looking forward to the time he will be gone, but we sure can use the money. Zack Brawley is playing this year so that will be fun. Poor Zack, he is going to be a 9th grader this year and doesn't realize what it will be like to have me accessing his grades everyday! Yes, I have Pooh's permission.
Josh is my sleeper still. I need to start getting him up in the mornings or he will be a tired mess come September. We will be camping right before school starts so that will tire him out. I am SOOOO excited the McKeels are going this year! I always laugh with Sheryl.
I am getting a tattoo Friday. Yes, it is just brown circle, but nonetheless, still a tattoo. I am thinking it might raise my "coolness" factor with the high schoolers, don't you think? Andrew says "uh...never.".
My mom is finished with chemo. (let's hope) In November, she has to have another colonoscopy. I pray those nasty chemicals got all the bad cancer cells. She handles her stage III cancer better than I handle mine, that is for sure.
Andrew's senior pix are Wednesday. That will probably be the biggest fight between mother and son ever imagined. Can't wait. He has no interest in going to SEE/order the pictures, so thank goodness for small favors. : )
Ok, thinking about dinner now. Sloppy Joes it will be.
Hugs to all of you--
Molly
Did anyone watch the opening Ceremonies of the Olympics? I watched them alone and was so impressed I had to call my mom, who I grew up watching them with, to talk about them. They were so amazing to me...and I have watched a lot of Opening Ceremonies. My mom was even impressed. But then Jim came home and tried to burst my bubble by telling me how awful the Chinese people treat their people--making them practice 8 hours a day and spending more money on the ceremonies than on starving people. I said bah humbug to him, 'cause it sure looked pretty awesome to me.
It feels like football season, doesn't it? Football practice starts tomorrow for Andrew. I am glad he decided to play this year...after sitting 6 of 9 games last year, he was really leary of putting so much time in for no playing time, but decided to do it anyway. His physical therapy on his arm this winter has really helped--he was having some issues between throwing a baseball and then throwing a football but that has resolved itself. Jim is also coaching this year--is going to help with the freshman team. He took last year off because of my cancer. I am not looking forward to the time he will be gone, but we sure can use the money. Zack Brawley is playing this year so that will be fun. Poor Zack, he is going to be a 9th grader this year and doesn't realize what it will be like to have me accessing his grades everyday! Yes, I have Pooh's permission.
Josh is my sleeper still. I need to start getting him up in the mornings or he will be a tired mess come September. We will be camping right before school starts so that will tire him out. I am SOOOO excited the McKeels are going this year! I always laugh with Sheryl.
I am getting a tattoo Friday. Yes, it is just brown circle, but nonetheless, still a tattoo. I am thinking it might raise my "coolness" factor with the high schoolers, don't you think? Andrew says "uh...never.".
My mom is finished with chemo. (let's hope) In November, she has to have another colonoscopy. I pray those nasty chemicals got all the bad cancer cells. She handles her stage III cancer better than I handle mine, that is for sure.
Andrew's senior pix are Wednesday. That will probably be the biggest fight between mother and son ever imagined. Can't wait. He has no interest in going to SEE/order the pictures, so thank goodness for small favors. : )
Ok, thinking about dinner now. Sloppy Joes it will be.
Hugs to all of you--
Molly
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Ugly stupid TALL freak.
I had a four minute visit with Dr. Messinger yesterday. My incision looks great. He was so busy that I hated to even ask him about my rib cage/front pain but I did and he said it could likely be this congestion thrombophlebitis type thing (called Mondor's Syndrome). He said it is possible that my pain is worse from Pizza Pocket's surgery. I didn't specifically mention my liver but he didn't freak out or anything and even cupped his hand over the spot where it often hurts people, which is right where my achiness sometimes is. so of course when I got home I googled Mondor's and although my pain is similar, I certainly don't think I have that. There are definite signs of that, and i don't have them. But the congestion theory he suggested sort of fits so I think I can talk myself into that until I see Dr. Ansari. Crazy MIL went with me and we laughed as usual. Next Friday is tattoo day. More needles to numb the boob and then he draws that sucker on.
Today I went back to work. I tried to ignore my pains but they were still mildly there. At least I wasn't obsessed with them. In case you wonder what I do all day, today I dealt with our student information system trying to enter data that tells the computer what room number each teacher's PRIMARY room is. Sounds simple, but it wasn't. Then I was told that new data will be uploaded tonight, so I might lose what I had entered. That was enough to convince me stop that so I moved on to double checking some data entry. I also had a few parent phone calls to return, and met with the mom of our leukemia student. Wow, she was impressive. She has such a spiritual faith that seems to be unshakeable. The student is responding very, very well to chemo but is a bit depressed and feels crappy. We don't think he will be able to start school right away but are working on a support plan for him. Tracy, the mom, started a caringbridge blog for her son and I already logged in to say hello. She too feels so good when people check in, and with her faith, feels the prayers and support already. On a more practical note, I think these blogs are awesome in that they provide such a good record. I reread my post from when I went to see my ENT at U of M to remind me that he looked in my mouth and in my throat and at my PET/CT and covered why my pain is still so back on the right side of my face...it just reminds me that those pains are nothing new. It's hard to believe my PET/CT scan was over a year ago.
Can you believe this blog too is now over a year old? August 2, 2007 was my first entry.
Mimi, thanks for calling tonight. It helped a lot and made me feel so not alone. I know you have put up with all my crazy illnesses since the dawn of time, but you always listen and always make me feel better with your knowledge. Just knowing what a chest xray and a chest CT "expose" to the radiologists was helpful. My cyber angel Velvet from the UK also reminded me that often liver cancer mets show up in blood work, and mine was fine about 4 months ago. That made me feel better too, although I know things can change quickly.
I had to take Andrew to the doctor today because I thought he had pink eye. Dr. T made me bring him in since he said that very few cases of pink eye are actually really pink eye--in fact, Andrew's wasn't. Instead, he had a cold in his eye because his nose wasn't draining well--he recommended Visine for the itchiness, and Clariton for the nose. We shall see. He says he rarely sees actual cases of pink eye. Andrew was no more contagious than anyone with a cold. It was an interesting visit and did confirm some things that I achieved in my University of Google medical degree in the past.
On a funny note, Andrew is tutoring at Ballard for National Honor Society. His job is to work with some younger readers. Well, when I got home the other day he handed me a "note" that one student had given him. The girl is the little sister of one of Andrew's friends and a boy in the class had given it to her. This is what the note said"
Danielle tell you brothers frend to not teach here no more. he shouldn't be at are school. I don't mean YOU but he is an ugly stupid TALL freak. GOODBYE!
Is that not the funniest thing ever???? Andrew got pretty defensive with me about what caused this, but later told Jim that the boy was upset that he didn't pass a reading fluency test. Andrew can't pass them unless they read aloud at a certain speed--there's all kinds of data that is kept and shows teachers how well kids can read based on speed. Poor Andrew. I assumed his first note would have been a love note, but apparently he is an ugly stupid freak. And a tall one at that!
Hugs,
Molly
Today I went back to work. I tried to ignore my pains but they were still mildly there. At least I wasn't obsessed with them. In case you wonder what I do all day, today I dealt with our student information system trying to enter data that tells the computer what room number each teacher's PRIMARY room is. Sounds simple, but it wasn't. Then I was told that new data will be uploaded tonight, so I might lose what I had entered. That was enough to convince me stop that so I moved on to double checking some data entry. I also had a few parent phone calls to return, and met with the mom of our leukemia student. Wow, she was impressive. She has such a spiritual faith that seems to be unshakeable. The student is responding very, very well to chemo but is a bit depressed and feels crappy. We don't think he will be able to start school right away but are working on a support plan for him. Tracy, the mom, started a caringbridge blog for her son and I already logged in to say hello. She too feels so good when people check in, and with her faith, feels the prayers and support already. On a more practical note, I think these blogs are awesome in that they provide such a good record. I reread my post from when I went to see my ENT at U of M to remind me that he looked in my mouth and in my throat and at my PET/CT and covered why my pain is still so back on the right side of my face...it just reminds me that those pains are nothing new. It's hard to believe my PET/CT scan was over a year ago.
Can you believe this blog too is now over a year old? August 2, 2007 was my first entry.
Mimi, thanks for calling tonight. It helped a lot and made me feel so not alone. I know you have put up with all my crazy illnesses since the dawn of time, but you always listen and always make me feel better with your knowledge. Just knowing what a chest xray and a chest CT "expose" to the radiologists was helpful. My cyber angel Velvet from the UK also reminded me that often liver cancer mets show up in blood work, and mine was fine about 4 months ago. That made me feel better too, although I know things can change quickly.
I had to take Andrew to the doctor today because I thought he had pink eye. Dr. T made me bring him in since he said that very few cases of pink eye are actually really pink eye--in fact, Andrew's wasn't. Instead, he had a cold in his eye because his nose wasn't draining well--he recommended Visine for the itchiness, and Clariton for the nose. We shall see. He says he rarely sees actual cases of pink eye. Andrew was no more contagious than anyone with a cold. It was an interesting visit and did confirm some things that I achieved in my University of Google medical degree in the past.
On a funny note, Andrew is tutoring at Ballard for National Honor Society. His job is to work with some younger readers. Well, when I got home the other day he handed me a "note" that one student had given him. The girl is the little sister of one of Andrew's friends and a boy in the class had given it to her. This is what the note said"
Danielle tell you brothers frend to not teach here no more. he shouldn't be at are school. I don't mean YOU but he is an ugly stupid TALL freak. GOODBYE!
Is that not the funniest thing ever???? Andrew got pretty defensive with me about what caused this, but later told Jim that the boy was upset that he didn't pass a reading fluency test. Andrew can't pass them unless they read aloud at a certain speed--there's all kinds of data that is kept and shows teachers how well kids can read based on speed. Poor Andrew. I assumed his first note would have been a love note, but apparently he is an ugly stupid freak. And a tall one at that!
Hugs,
Molly
Monday, August 4, 2008
Trying to LIVE
Good morning. I have just managed to get Shade off my lap and into a drug induced sleep. We had awful storms this morning...I woke up to my bed tremoring from her shaking. Now that it has calmed down, I should have waited it out, but she was one big tremble so I gave her the pill. She's happy now.
Today is really my last day of vacation because tomorrow I will spend most of my day going to Dr. Messinger in Kalamazoo for a Pizza Pocket incision check up. The incision is rather knotty feeling but the bruising is pretty much faded. Occasionally I get some lightening bolt pains but overall I am pretty much healed. Then Wednesday is back to work. Thank goodness!
As for my side/rib/liver pain, well it isn't any better. In fact, yesterday, it was throbbing from the front to the back. I was so stressed about it last night that I had a mild anxiety attack...I got really hot and had to lay down and do some deep breathing. Once I got myself calmed down I got up and took a Xanax and did much better after that. Jim thinks part of my issue is that I golfed on Saturday and used muscles not used in a loooooooooooong lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnng time, but this feels more internal than it had before. This morning, my whole back is tense, but the side pain is better, but it still throbs everyonce in awhile. It feels like the stitch you get when you have been running...but moves to the back. I will tell Dr. M about it and he will convince me to call Dr. A. I wonder if I will forget about it when I go back to work? I have decided that I am one of those people that is way too 'body aware'--I can pinpoint every ache and pain (in my mind at least) and when you have had cancer, some would say that is a good thing, but not for me, that is for sure.
An NHS student has been diagnosed with leukemia. That makes me so weepy. I can't imagine the heart ache his family is feeling right now. When I get back on Wednesday I will give them a call.
Have I ever mentioned my love affair with tomato juice? Gosh, I crave that stuff.
Is anyone excited about the Olympics? I always am. I have so many good memories of watching them growing up, and now with Jim and the kids. I remember VIVIDLY the Atlanta Olympics because Bill Brawley and the Young Americans were there so Jim and I made a point to watch Opening ceremonies. They had made a really big deal about who was lighting the torch...we knew that celebrities were running legs of the race to light it, but no one knew who was going to actually light it. I remember saying to Jim "Wouldn't it be cool if it were Muhammad Ali?" At the time, we knew Muhammad and his family lived in Berrien Springs, which is about 10 minutes from here, but we had not developed our friendship yet. So, sure enough, it was Muhammad and I remember being covered in goose bumps watching him do it. I still love watching footage of it to this day. For those of you who don't Muhammad personally, he is just as charismatic and magical as he looks. And Lonnie, his wife is an earthly angel who has made such a difference in our lives and our community.
Speaking of Bill Brawley, he and Robyn and Lizzie were here last week on their way home from Boyne Highlands and I think today they leave for Japan. Lizzie is three and can tell you just about the entire Young Americans show from this year and last year...she is the most articulate three year old I have ever seen...Bill would ask her what song so and so sang and not only did she know, she could sing the darn song. I think so far she has traveled to 30 some countries in her young life. BUT, Robyn told us that in January she is staying home so Lizzie can start preschool like a normal girl. Pam and I laughed...Lizzie could probably teach the class. Someone asked her what her favorite part of the show was and she said, "Well, I can sure tell you what I DON'T like." SHE IS THREE!!!!! She didn't like the witch from the Wicked piece in case you were wondering.
I am going to miss my morning talk shows when I go back to work.
Getting excited about Labor Day camping. Looking for a canopy to take for the weekend. I am not sure I want to buy one, but if you have one you want to lend me, let me know. : )
Enough wasting time. Please pray for our student who has cancer, and well, anyone who has cancer. Appreciate your good health, love every day that you don't have to worry about health, and pet your dog.
Off to worry and drink tomato juice. I need to run up to work to make some changes on schedules, so that will be a good thing.
Molly
Today is really my last day of vacation because tomorrow I will spend most of my day going to Dr. Messinger in Kalamazoo for a Pizza Pocket incision check up. The incision is rather knotty feeling but the bruising is pretty much faded. Occasionally I get some lightening bolt pains but overall I am pretty much healed. Then Wednesday is back to work. Thank goodness!
As for my side/rib/liver pain, well it isn't any better. In fact, yesterday, it was throbbing from the front to the back. I was so stressed about it last night that I had a mild anxiety attack...I got really hot and had to lay down and do some deep breathing. Once I got myself calmed down I got up and took a Xanax and did much better after that. Jim thinks part of my issue is that I golfed on Saturday and used muscles not used in a loooooooooooong lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnng time, but this feels more internal than it had before. This morning, my whole back is tense, but the side pain is better, but it still throbs everyonce in awhile. It feels like the stitch you get when you have been running...but moves to the back. I will tell Dr. M about it and he will convince me to call Dr. A. I wonder if I will forget about it when I go back to work? I have decided that I am one of those people that is way too 'body aware'--I can pinpoint every ache and pain (in my mind at least) and when you have had cancer, some would say that is a good thing, but not for me, that is for sure.
An NHS student has been diagnosed with leukemia. That makes me so weepy. I can't imagine the heart ache his family is feeling right now. When I get back on Wednesday I will give them a call.
Have I ever mentioned my love affair with tomato juice? Gosh, I crave that stuff.
Is anyone excited about the Olympics? I always am. I have so many good memories of watching them growing up, and now with Jim and the kids. I remember VIVIDLY the Atlanta Olympics because Bill Brawley and the Young Americans were there so Jim and I made a point to watch Opening ceremonies. They had made a really big deal about who was lighting the torch...we knew that celebrities were running legs of the race to light it, but no one knew who was going to actually light it. I remember saying to Jim "Wouldn't it be cool if it were Muhammad Ali?" At the time, we knew Muhammad and his family lived in Berrien Springs, which is about 10 minutes from here, but we had not developed our friendship yet. So, sure enough, it was Muhammad and I remember being covered in goose bumps watching him do it. I still love watching footage of it to this day. For those of you who don't Muhammad personally, he is just as charismatic and magical as he looks. And Lonnie, his wife is an earthly angel who has made such a difference in our lives and our community.
Speaking of Bill Brawley, he and Robyn and Lizzie were here last week on their way home from Boyne Highlands and I think today they leave for Japan. Lizzie is three and can tell you just about the entire Young Americans show from this year and last year...she is the most articulate three year old I have ever seen...Bill would ask her what song so and so sang and not only did she know, she could sing the darn song. I think so far she has traveled to 30 some countries in her young life. BUT, Robyn told us that in January she is staying home so Lizzie can start preschool like a normal girl. Pam and I laughed...Lizzie could probably teach the class. Someone asked her what her favorite part of the show was and she said, "Well, I can sure tell you what I DON'T like." SHE IS THREE!!!!! She didn't like the witch from the Wicked piece in case you were wondering.
I am going to miss my morning talk shows when I go back to work.
Getting excited about Labor Day camping. Looking for a canopy to take for the weekend. I am not sure I want to buy one, but if you have one you want to lend me, let me know. : )
Enough wasting time. Please pray for our student who has cancer, and well, anyone who has cancer. Appreciate your good health, love every day that you don't have to worry about health, and pet your dog.
Off to worry and drink tomato juice. I need to run up to work to make some changes on schedules, so that will be a good thing.
Molly
Friday, August 1, 2008
Massage needed???
Staying busy has kept my mind off of things. Still feel some pain here there and everywhere but nothing that I am obsessing about.
My pal Vikki is my breast cancer angel and has convinced me to start getting regular massages. I have to figure out how to have my insurance pay for them. I want to go to Teri in Berrien Springs (who about killed me a few months ago with my first massage). My school insurance does pay for them but I think the massage has to be prescribed. If you are a Niles teacher and get massages that our WONDERFUL insurance pays for, will you let me know how it works?
Yesterday I took Josh and his buddy to Famous Dave's and to the mall. Josh is so delightful to spend time with, and his friend Tyler is too. I went shopping to get Andrew some things for his senior pictures. Josh bought some "shants", which are shorts that are actually made of sweat PANT material. He made up the name. I gladly bought them for him as they were $4.97. I saved over $100 at JC Penney's buying dress shirts, etc. I couldn't believe the great sales they were having.
Tomorrow is the Niles Football golf outing and I am playing with Jim, Zech and Alyse. We are all pretty bad (well, Jim is really good and Zech is not bad) but I occasionally win the Longest Tee shot for women, which is my ONLY contribution to the process. I have not played golf since my surgeries so maybe now that my boobies aren't so big I will swing better? HA! I am still bruised from Pizza Pocket and with the rib pain and all, I have lots of excuses. It is always fun but looks like it is really going to be hot.
I have not talked to any official representative, but Pam, who is always pretty accurate, tells me that Ava's blood drive was overwhelmingly successful. I think 66 people were able to give (she only had slots for 40) and over 80 people WANTED to give, so another one is in the works. What a phenomenal idea on Jamie's part. Such a beautiful way to honor Ava and to help others.
Andrew is tutoring at summer school this week and next to earn hours for National Honor Society. He spends most of his time reading with children. He's doing a nice job and I don't have to fight to get him up in the morning. Josh sleeps 'til just about noon each day. I think he is finally starting to grow. Still needs to practice his driving tho'!
Not much else to report. Only thinking about cancer about 4 times an hour--down from 60 times an hour this past Monday. Have not heard about my lovely polyps--(can you believe I write about this stuff???) which I hope is a good sign. I never did hear on my breast tissue biopsy so that better mean it was negative. I see Dr. Messinger on Tuesday for a check up. I am going to ask him about the rib pain just to see what he thinks. He doesn't like to answer too many medical type questions. I should have asked Dr. Nancy when I went a month ago but it apparently wasn't bothering me enough. Worries worries.
Rumor has it we are going to Lunker's for dinner tonight. Someone Jim knows is having a birthday. Anything for dinner out is ok in my book.
Much love--
Molly
My pal Vikki is my breast cancer angel and has convinced me to start getting regular massages. I have to figure out how to have my insurance pay for them. I want to go to Teri in Berrien Springs (who about killed me a few months ago with my first massage). My school insurance does pay for them but I think the massage has to be prescribed. If you are a Niles teacher and get massages that our WONDERFUL insurance pays for, will you let me know how it works?
Yesterday I took Josh and his buddy to Famous Dave's and to the mall. Josh is so delightful to spend time with, and his friend Tyler is too. I went shopping to get Andrew some things for his senior pictures. Josh bought some "shants", which are shorts that are actually made of sweat PANT material. He made up the name. I gladly bought them for him as they were $4.97. I saved over $100 at JC Penney's buying dress shirts, etc. I couldn't believe the great sales they were having.
Tomorrow is the Niles Football golf outing and I am playing with Jim, Zech and Alyse. We are all pretty bad (well, Jim is really good and Zech is not bad) but I occasionally win the Longest Tee shot for women, which is my ONLY contribution to the process. I have not played golf since my surgeries so maybe now that my boobies aren't so big I will swing better? HA! I am still bruised from Pizza Pocket and with the rib pain and all, I have lots of excuses. It is always fun but looks like it is really going to be hot.
I have not talked to any official representative, but Pam, who is always pretty accurate, tells me that Ava's blood drive was overwhelmingly successful. I think 66 people were able to give (she only had slots for 40) and over 80 people WANTED to give, so another one is in the works. What a phenomenal idea on Jamie's part. Such a beautiful way to honor Ava and to help others.
Andrew is tutoring at summer school this week and next to earn hours for National Honor Society. He spends most of his time reading with children. He's doing a nice job and I don't have to fight to get him up in the morning. Josh sleeps 'til just about noon each day. I think he is finally starting to grow. Still needs to practice his driving tho'!
Not much else to report. Only thinking about cancer about 4 times an hour--down from 60 times an hour this past Monday. Have not heard about my lovely polyps--(can you believe I write about this stuff???) which I hope is a good sign. I never did hear on my breast tissue biopsy so that better mean it was negative. I see Dr. Messinger on Tuesday for a check up. I am going to ask him about the rib pain just to see what he thinks. He doesn't like to answer too many medical type questions. I should have asked Dr. Nancy when I went a month ago but it apparently wasn't bothering me enough. Worries worries.
Rumor has it we are going to Lunker's for dinner tonight. Someone Jim knows is having a birthday. Anything for dinner out is ok in my book.
Much love--
Molly
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Scrubbing bubbles.
Far be it from me to leave out any details, however private, so if you are of the squeamish stomach group, STOP reading here!
I survived my first colonoscopy, and I will say that it wasn't pleasant but if it saves my life, it is worth it. I was one of the "lucky" ones who got to take the pill form of the prep for the scope--as you may or may not know, when they do a scope of your colon (actually your entire large intestine) it has to be totally cleaned out for them to see the walls and tissues clearly. So that is what the prep is all about. I started my prep at 6:00 Monday night. That involved taking 4 HORSE pills every 15 minutes. About an hour later, those pills started to work and I spent a lot of time in the "facilities." All I could have to eat/drink all day were clear liquids, and popsicles and beef broth were my filet mignon of the night. Anyway, that phase was not the best but when I went to bed at 11:00 things had calmed down and I felt quite "clean" if you get my drift.
Round two of pill taking started at 3:00 AM, or "four hours before your procedure." So I set my alarm and took those horse pills again for an hour. Not much was happening so I went to bed until 5:30 as Ginger was picking me up at 6. At 5:30 I thought I was about to die from nausea. I swear the pills were going nutso inside me. Since I had nothing to churn on, I think they started to eat my insides and WOW, was I sick to my stomach and what was happening in the facilities was SCARY. Ginger arrived and immediately started cleaning my kitchen like she always does, Jim left for work, and I sat on the couch with my head in my hands. I do not want to go there again.
So we get to St. Joe at the Great Lakes Gastro place and they got me in right away. I was feeling better by then since the foaming action of the pills were done scrubbing my insides. Of course, they had major issues getting the IV started and after Nurse 1 poked me seven times to no avail, nurse 2 came in and got me going. Then we waited for Dr. B, who walked in and said sort of numbers, which indicated how much sedation I needed and then he said hello. Yesterday, I thought i was awake through the whole thing, but in retrospect, I do remember a lot of it, but certainly missed most of it. I do remember them inserting the scope into no man's land--it didn't hurt but made you go "hmmm"-- and I also remember watching the tv as the scope went up and around where no man has gone before. It looked like a cave really. Then, I also remember the scope coming out--again, no pain,--and then Dr.B saying he found 3 polyps. He immediately said none of them were suspicious, but that depending on the results because of my weird cancer history, I will have to be on a 3-5 year scope regimen. (I am assuming if the polyps are precancerous then the 3 year regimen it will be) Later when he was discharging me and I was a tad bit more coherent, Dr. B said he was 100 percent sure that they were not cancerous...which made me feel better but I also know better that the only way of knowing was to biopsy them.
Once I was home, I basically slept all day. I ate an Arby's sandwich and went back to bed. So yesterday was a total waste. Today, my stomach is still pretty queasy and a bit sore here and there, but I am hungry and can't wait to have real food. I think I will start with my broth to make sure things are ok.
So that was it. Many of you have already had one of these procedures, but for those of you who haven't, it is NOT a walk in the park but isn't as awful as one would imagine. I feel ok about getting results this time because it is the only way to save your life. And I will do it every three to five years, whatever they tell me.
Now, to my liver/rib cage issues. My side still aches and at times I had talked myself into thinking it is muscular on the side of my rib cage. The whole colon thing took my mind off of it so that tells me the pain isn't that bad (it really isn't pain, more of an ache) so I am a bit calmer today. I have poked and prodded myself so many times and can't feel anything like my breast tumor...so I will continue with the waiting game. With my breast tumor, there was no avoiding it, no escaping the pain and the actual lump. That was what prompted me to call my doctor. I am not at that point yet, but am close.
So today is a day that I have to feel better and start living again. Andrew was moaning and groaning that he has no clean shorts but laundry is done so who knows what that means.
I'm thinking a spinach omelette sounds good. Dr. B says I need more fiber in my diet and spinach has a lot of fiber so that is what I will have after my broth appetizer.
Thanks for listening.
Molly
I survived my first colonoscopy, and I will say that it wasn't pleasant but if it saves my life, it is worth it. I was one of the "lucky" ones who got to take the pill form of the prep for the scope--as you may or may not know, when they do a scope of your colon (actually your entire large intestine) it has to be totally cleaned out for them to see the walls and tissues clearly. So that is what the prep is all about. I started my prep at 6:00 Monday night. That involved taking 4 HORSE pills every 15 minutes. About an hour later, those pills started to work and I spent a lot of time in the "facilities." All I could have to eat/drink all day were clear liquids, and popsicles and beef broth were my filet mignon of the night. Anyway, that phase was not the best but when I went to bed at 11:00 things had calmed down and I felt quite "clean" if you get my drift.
Round two of pill taking started at 3:00 AM, or "four hours before your procedure." So I set my alarm and took those horse pills again for an hour. Not much was happening so I went to bed until 5:30 as Ginger was picking me up at 6. At 5:30 I thought I was about to die from nausea. I swear the pills were going nutso inside me. Since I had nothing to churn on, I think they started to eat my insides and WOW, was I sick to my stomach and what was happening in the facilities was SCARY. Ginger arrived and immediately started cleaning my kitchen like she always does, Jim left for work, and I sat on the couch with my head in my hands. I do not want to go there again.
So we get to St. Joe at the Great Lakes Gastro place and they got me in right away. I was feeling better by then since the foaming action of the pills were done scrubbing my insides. Of course, they had major issues getting the IV started and after Nurse 1 poked me seven times to no avail, nurse 2 came in and got me going. Then we waited for Dr. B, who walked in and said sort of numbers, which indicated how much sedation I needed and then he said hello. Yesterday, I thought i was awake through the whole thing, but in retrospect, I do remember a lot of it, but certainly missed most of it. I do remember them inserting the scope into no man's land--it didn't hurt but made you go "hmmm"-- and I also remember watching the tv as the scope went up and around where no man has gone before. It looked like a cave really. Then, I also remember the scope coming out--again, no pain,--and then Dr.B saying he found 3 polyps. He immediately said none of them were suspicious, but that depending on the results because of my weird cancer history, I will have to be on a 3-5 year scope regimen. (I am assuming if the polyps are precancerous then the 3 year regimen it will be) Later when he was discharging me and I was a tad bit more coherent, Dr. B said he was 100 percent sure that they were not cancerous...which made me feel better but I also know better that the only way of knowing was to biopsy them.
Once I was home, I basically slept all day. I ate an Arby's sandwich and went back to bed. So yesterday was a total waste. Today, my stomach is still pretty queasy and a bit sore here and there, but I am hungry and can't wait to have real food. I think I will start with my broth to make sure things are ok.
So that was it. Many of you have already had one of these procedures, but for those of you who haven't, it is NOT a walk in the park but isn't as awful as one would imagine. I feel ok about getting results this time because it is the only way to save your life. And I will do it every three to five years, whatever they tell me.
Now, to my liver/rib cage issues. My side still aches and at times I had talked myself into thinking it is muscular on the side of my rib cage. The whole colon thing took my mind off of it so that tells me the pain isn't that bad (it really isn't pain, more of an ache) so I am a bit calmer today. I have poked and prodded myself so many times and can't feel anything like my breast tumor...so I will continue with the waiting game. With my breast tumor, there was no avoiding it, no escaping the pain and the actual lump. That was what prompted me to call my doctor. I am not at that point yet, but am close.
So today is a day that I have to feel better and start living again. Andrew was moaning and groaning that he has no clean shorts but laundry is done so who knows what that means.
I'm thinking a spinach omelette sounds good. Dr. B says I need more fiber in my diet and spinach has a lot of fiber so that is what I will have after my broth appetizer.
Thanks for listening.
Molly
Monday, July 28, 2008
Warning. This is a "fear" post.
In March I first started mentioning my rib/liver pain area and today I will admit that I am once again obsessed with it. I am totally freaked that my side hurts and that there is this strange, dull sensation under my rib cage, which is where your liver is. None of these pains are excruciating, just "there." I am constantly rubbing the liver area and although it doesn't feel all that tender, it does hurt in certain spots. I am scared and that's about it. i am almost to the point of calling Dr. Ansari but not quite there yet. It's not THAT painful but I did have Jim rub my ribs last night and that felt good. Perhaps that means it is muscle? Of course I have looked up liver cancer symptoms and of course I think I have all of them. Liver mets was depressing too. But I don't think my eyes are yellow. (ARRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH)
Let's change subjects. Tomorrow is colonoscopy so today I am drinking nothing but certain liquids. No food for me. I have had iced tea so far and stomach is starting to feel queasy...I can have popsicles and can't wait for that! Tonight at 6:00 PM I start the pills...most people have to drink a liquid but I get to do the pills which they say make it a bit more tolerable. Scan is early tomorrow thank goodness. I am thinking about have Dr. B (colon DR) push around in the liver area to see what he thinks but that is not what I am going for, so who knows. See, here i am, back to cancer again.
Went to work this morning and tried to not think about it but found myself rubbing it. Just like i used to with my tumor. Sitting here right now I hardly feel it but ...
For those of you reading this, I am sorry. This writing is really just about me getting my fears on paper which in the past has been good therapy for me.
i think I will go eat a popsicle.
Molly
Let's change subjects. Tomorrow is colonoscopy so today I am drinking nothing but certain liquids. No food for me. I have had iced tea so far and stomach is starting to feel queasy...I can have popsicles and can't wait for that! Tonight at 6:00 PM I start the pills...most people have to drink a liquid but I get to do the pills which they say make it a bit more tolerable. Scan is early tomorrow thank goodness. I am thinking about have Dr. B (colon DR) push around in the liver area to see what he thinks but that is not what I am going for, so who knows. See, here i am, back to cancer again.
Went to work this morning and tried to not think about it but found myself rubbing it. Just like i used to with my tumor. Sitting here right now I hardly feel it but ...
For those of you reading this, I am sorry. This writing is really just about me getting my fears on paper which in the past has been good therapy for me.
i think I will go eat a popsicle.
Molly
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Relay for Life Run down
Relay was a major emotional experience at times, and then lots of laughs too. Jim and I were sort of late to the survivor's dinner and didn't get to register--thus, no survivor t-shirt. Then I had to walk the survivor's lap alone...well, without Jim, as I think there were almost 200 survivors walking that lap. I found Debbie and hung with her; I had already cried earlier and looked like crap but at least there were sun glasses! Dinner was good...we had our own area and Jim and I just chatted...then we went to hang with the high school team until the luminary bag ceremony. A few survivors spoke and everyone was so positive that I felt BAD about being such a worrier. The HOPE bags were lit in the visitor's bleachers and they played this song that literally brought me to quiet sobs...Jim just held me and squeezed my shoulders. It was very cool when they changed the HOPE bags to read CURE...we had some laughs about that later as we couldn't figure out what they were going to spell next...I thought it was COPE, and then HORE, so that at least made me giggle. When it was obvious it was CURE, the tears came again. After that ceremony though, I just hung with some really nice high school kids and Carrie and Jenny, two of my colleagues, and I think I laughed the rest of the night. Josh and I headed home at exactly 3 A.M.--and we slept until noon! : ) Such a cool, but draining experience. Jenny and Michelle were amzing, and thanks Michelle for remembering to get me a shirt. You had so many other things to do and you remembered that. It meant a lot.
Today Jim told me when I got up that I just need to "live my life" and try not to be bothered my anything. I joked and said 'easy for you to say' and he said, "no, actually, it's NOT." which made me realize that my worries brings others down so I need to really, really work on that. I am LIVING my life but I know me...every ache and pain is terrifying.
But you know, there is always HOPE and I do really, really, really believe that. So with that, I need to go and live my Sunday with my laundry machines. : )
Molly
Today Jim told me when I got up that I just need to "live my life" and try not to be bothered my anything. I joked and said 'easy for you to say' and he said, "no, actually, it's NOT." which made me realize that my worries brings others down so I need to really, really work on that. I am LIVING my life but I know me...every ache and pain is terrifying.
But you know, there is always HOPE and I do really, really, really believe that. So with that, I need to go and live my Sunday with my laundry machines. : )
Molly
Friday, July 25, 2008
Relay for Life
Momentarily feeling pretty good...go figure.
tomorrow is Relay for Life. I have always attended but never really participated, you know? It is an amazing event and one that all of us should attend...or at least understand and promote. I distinctly remember last year walking around with Jim and knowing I had the lump in my breast but not knowing it was cancer yet. I get teary eyed thinking about last year so I hope I can hold it together for this year. Still amazes me that I made it one year and here I am, life not changed much. I am so honored to live in this area with all of the people who work so hard making the Niles/Buchanan Relay so successful. I so wanted to be more active but am just still pretty emotional about it....not sure why really. There is the part of me that thinks I haven't suffered enough (I know that is dumb as dirt) but other than the surgeries and FEAR, it hasn't been too bad. Like I have said a million times, getting my tonsils out was much worse. I WANTED to die then! : ) Anyway, Jenny and Michelle, I can't tell you how proud I am to know you two, and all that you do for Relay. It's people like me that should be working my ass off to help, and then there's you two, who don't even have cancer but work so tirelessly. Thank you thank you thank you. I plan to spend as much time as I can at the relay this year. I am looking forward to the luminary ceremony and seeing fellow survivors. Gosh, it is all so amazing to me.
Today I googled reconstructed nipples and couldn't believe how good some of them looked. I did learn that that tattoo part fades quite fast, which explains why my PS nurse said to get the darker color. There are actual images if you want to check them out. But you know me, when it is all done, I be glad to show you. (well, most of you!) HA!
Then I googled "colonoscopy". Ohhhhhhhhh boy! That looks pretty darn invasive. I talked to my sis the nurse tonight and she said most of the gastro people she works with are all goofier than goofy because they have to be...thank heavens I am looped de loo for that event! I start my clear liquid diet Monday morning and then start with the pills at 6:00 PM Monday night. Then I will be spending most of my time "near the facilities" as the literature reads.
This blog reads like it should belong to some geriatric patient. How to get SCOPED. What interesting reading for all of you. Or how to get a NIPPLE. Hmm. Such great literature I write these days!
Josh is at his buddy Dominick's tonight. I miss Josh when he is gone 'cause he lets me love on him whenever I want. Andrew is at Kait's tonight. She has been gone a week and it was fun to have him around more often. He really missed her, which was nice to observe since you never know with him! With Kait gone and baseball over, we had about a week's worth of nights with everyone home each night. Andrew did have football a few nights but Jim and I actually cooked dinner and relaxed. Came at a good time with Mr. Pizza Pocket's demise and all. Still feel run down from that but it could just be me being bored.
I am really wanting a Pete's Patio pizza. Doesn't that sound good?
Molly
tomorrow is Relay for Life. I have always attended but never really participated, you know? It is an amazing event and one that all of us should attend...or at least understand and promote. I distinctly remember last year walking around with Jim and knowing I had the lump in my breast but not knowing it was cancer yet. I get teary eyed thinking about last year so I hope I can hold it together for this year. Still amazes me that I made it one year and here I am, life not changed much. I am so honored to live in this area with all of the people who work so hard making the Niles/Buchanan Relay so successful. I so wanted to be more active but am just still pretty emotional about it....not sure why really. There is the part of me that thinks I haven't suffered enough (I know that is dumb as dirt) but other than the surgeries and FEAR, it hasn't been too bad. Like I have said a million times, getting my tonsils out was much worse. I WANTED to die then! : ) Anyway, Jenny and Michelle, I can't tell you how proud I am to know you two, and all that you do for Relay. It's people like me that should be working my ass off to help, and then there's you two, who don't even have cancer but work so tirelessly. Thank you thank you thank you. I plan to spend as much time as I can at the relay this year. I am looking forward to the luminary ceremony and seeing fellow survivors. Gosh, it is all so amazing to me.
Today I googled reconstructed nipples and couldn't believe how good some of them looked. I did learn that that tattoo part fades quite fast, which explains why my PS nurse said to get the darker color. There are actual images if you want to check them out. But you know me, when it is all done, I be glad to show you. (well, most of you!) HA!
Then I googled "colonoscopy". Ohhhhhhhhh boy! That looks pretty darn invasive. I talked to my sis the nurse tonight and she said most of the gastro people she works with are all goofier than goofy because they have to be...thank heavens I am looped de loo for that event! I start my clear liquid diet Monday morning and then start with the pills at 6:00 PM Monday night. Then I will be spending most of my time "near the facilities" as the literature reads.
This blog reads like it should belong to some geriatric patient. How to get SCOPED. What interesting reading for all of you. Or how to get a NIPPLE. Hmm. Such great literature I write these days!
Josh is at his buddy Dominick's tonight. I miss Josh when he is gone 'cause he lets me love on him whenever I want. Andrew is at Kait's tonight. She has been gone a week and it was fun to have him around more often. He really missed her, which was nice to observe since you never know with him! With Kait gone and baseball over, we had about a week's worth of nights with everyone home each night. Andrew did have football a few nights but Jim and I actually cooked dinner and relaxed. Came at a good time with Mr. Pizza Pocket's demise and all. Still feel run down from that but it could just be me being bored.
I am really wanting a Pete's Patio pizza. Doesn't that sound good?
Molly
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Time to go back to work.
Still not a lot of energy. Getting bored. Bee sting pains, my ear is killing me, and my boob is bruised like no other. :)
Found my new favorite show. Jon and Kate Plus Eight.
Also, I really like Shear Design.
Like I said, time to go back to work.
Molly
Found my new favorite show. Jon and Kate Plus Eight.
Also, I really like Shear Design.
Like I said, time to go back to work.
Molly
Monday, July 21, 2008
1 year cancerversary, graduation parties
Feeling ok today, still somewhat run down. Just a few bee sting pains here and there. I was able to do a lot of housework and am almost done with all my laundry.
I forgot to mention on Saturday that July 19 was my one year diagnosis anniversary. Not that it is something to celebrate as most anniversaries are, but it went by, pretty uneventful. I am not sure how I feel about TIME and years going by. With this cancer, there is no 5 year "cure" --no chance of going back into the population of "your chances of getting cancer are no worse than the general population" which is what many cancers are considered after 5 years. so in my troubled mind, the further I get away from my diagnosis, I worry that it will come back. What a crappy way to think and what a crappy way to have to worry. So I guess I will try not to think about that. My victories will come with clean scans, I would guess. Not just passage of time.
Reading a good book right now by John Lescreorat (something like that) Very similar to Grisham and Turow. Intriguing to say the least. I had never heard of him until I found a paperback Ginger's books in the UP. John and Ginger are back down with us trolls, by the way. they stay up north until bear season which starts in September I think--after their hunters leave they are usually home for the last few football games.
Ginger has made me schedule Andrew's high school graduation party date. We will be having it the weekend of Memorial Day, 2009--that Sunday. I think it is the May 25, 2009, whatever that Sunday is...we have to have it when they are going to be home. So mark your calendars 'cause when Ginger plans, she PLANS!!!! : )
Hang in there Debbie! Before you know it it will be time to put the implant in and you will have squishy boob! Time has flown for me...it seems like I have been dealing with this longer than a year...but we have to take each day at a time.
Having burgers on the grill tonight Appetite is still not what I am used to, but maybe that is a good thing. HA!
M
I forgot to mention on Saturday that July 19 was my one year diagnosis anniversary. Not that it is something to celebrate as most anniversaries are, but it went by, pretty uneventful. I am not sure how I feel about TIME and years going by. With this cancer, there is no 5 year "cure" --no chance of going back into the population of "your chances of getting cancer are no worse than the general population" which is what many cancers are considered after 5 years. so in my troubled mind, the further I get away from my diagnosis, I worry that it will come back. What a crappy way to think and what a crappy way to have to worry. So I guess I will try not to think about that. My victories will come with clean scans, I would guess. Not just passage of time.
Reading a good book right now by John Lescreorat (something like that) Very similar to Grisham and Turow. Intriguing to say the least. I had never heard of him until I found a paperback Ginger's books in the UP. John and Ginger are back down with us trolls, by the way. they stay up north until bear season which starts in September I think--after their hunters leave they are usually home for the last few football games.
Ginger has made me schedule Andrew's high school graduation party date. We will be having it the weekend of Memorial Day, 2009--that Sunday. I think it is the May 25, 2009, whatever that Sunday is...we have to have it when they are going to be home. So mark your calendars 'cause when Ginger plans, she PLANS!!!! : )
Hang in there Debbie! Before you know it it will be time to put the implant in and you will have squishy boob! Time has flown for me...it seems like I have been dealing with this longer than a year...but we have to take each day at a time.
Having burgers on the grill tonight Appetite is still not what I am used to, but maybe that is a good thing. HA!
M
Sunday, July 20, 2008
We got a bleeder!!!!!!
A small set back Friday night...I was reading in bed and Jim was watching tv when he noticed blood all down my side and all over the sheets. So we got up to get me cleaned up and I felt very dizzy and very close to passing out. But Jim got me a cleaned up--we decided it was from me laying on the side of the incision--and with cool wash clothes and some orange juice I felt better. Poor Jim--we had just gotten back into bed and Shade puked all over the upstairs hallway. I did have to laugh because he was running around in his boxers taking care of the ladies in his life.
So Saturday I basically hung out in my pajamas most of the day. I took off the outside bandage and it still looked pretty bad under the steri-strips--lots of blood. But I was able to take a shower and there seems to be no new blood so...
The interesting thing is Dr. M gave me no pain meds, no discharge instructions, etc. so i don't know if this is normal or not. But I don't feel all that bad so I guess it is ok. I am hoping the steristrips will just fall off as they did with all my other surgeries.
If I am honest, I am thinking a tiny bit about the biopsy. What if they find more acc? But i know the answer is that it is good that it is out...but would scare me that my margins really weren't clear.
Not sure what i am going to do about a nipple now. The reason I decided to get one in the first place was because it wouldn't be a separate surgery from pizza pocket. As of now, I am just thinking a tattoo so when I see myself in the mirror it will look somewhat the same.
So Saturday I basically hung out in my pajamas most of the day. I took off the outside bandage and it still looked pretty bad under the steri-strips--lots of blood. But I was able to take a shower and there seems to be no new blood so...
The interesting thing is Dr. M gave me no pain meds, no discharge instructions, etc. so i don't know if this is normal or not. But I don't feel all that bad so I guess it is ok. I am hoping the steristrips will just fall off as they did with all my other surgeries.
If I am honest, I am thinking a tiny bit about the biopsy. What if they find more acc? But i know the answer is that it is good that it is out...but would scare me that my margins really weren't clear.
Not sure what i am going to do about a nipple now. The reason I decided to get one in the first place was because it wouldn't be a separate surgery from pizza pocket. As of now, I am just thinking a tattoo so when I see myself in the mirror it will look somewhat the same.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Still a padiddle.
Change of plans.
Pizza pocket is gone. No nipple however. Dr. M said that he was remiss in his discussion with me about my nipples and should have told me he needed to tattoo the area FIRST--which he didn't have the materials to do, so no tattooing and no new nipple as this appointment. No biggie in my book, what's another three doctors appointments? : }
But we did slice off Pizza Pocket. What hurt me was all the injections of the local anesthetic. I felt like he was just poking poking poking all over the area. I think he poked me at least 20 times. One time the vial that he was using popped its cap off and the drug splashed all over me and my face. He quickly wiped my eyes but it was all ok--just kinda funny. Then, when they were using a cauterizing tool, it had a short in it and sparked at the wrong end. At that point, Dr. M had to laugh too...it was just a comedy of errors.
I could feel him doing something but it wasn't painful. When he was sewing me up, he had to put more local in as it was hurting me a tad. I did get to see the tissue/fat/skin they took out. It looked the chicken fat. Of course they have to send it in to be biopsied (ugh!!!!) but the only thing that I am telling myself if there is ACC in there, it HAS to come out, so this is a good thing. If there is ACC, I am sure radiation would be a must, plus more surgery. Dr. M wasn't even sure if there was breast tissue, but since they send everything in anyway, this was a good precaution.
So, here I am with a bandage, no nipple, and just a slight bothersome feeling near my boob. I get to take a shower tomorrow. I see Dr. in two weeks for a recheck and we will schedule tattoo then. Then, the tattoo settles, and a month or so later, i can get the sewn nipple if I want. Maybe the tattoo'd area will satisfy me? who knows.
That's it from Reconstruction Central.
Molly
Pizza pocket is gone. No nipple however. Dr. M said that he was remiss in his discussion with me about my nipples and should have told me he needed to tattoo the area FIRST--which he didn't have the materials to do, so no tattooing and no new nipple as this appointment. No biggie in my book, what's another three doctors appointments? : }
But we did slice off Pizza Pocket. What hurt me was all the injections of the local anesthetic. I felt like he was just poking poking poking all over the area. I think he poked me at least 20 times. One time the vial that he was using popped its cap off and the drug splashed all over me and my face. He quickly wiped my eyes but it was all ok--just kinda funny. Then, when they were using a cauterizing tool, it had a short in it and sparked at the wrong end. At that point, Dr. M had to laugh too...it was just a comedy of errors.
I could feel him doing something but it wasn't painful. When he was sewing me up, he had to put more local in as it was hurting me a tad. I did get to see the tissue/fat/skin they took out. It looked the chicken fat. Of course they have to send it in to be biopsied (ugh!!!!) but the only thing that I am telling myself if there is ACC in there, it HAS to come out, so this is a good thing. If there is ACC, I am sure radiation would be a must, plus more surgery. Dr. M wasn't even sure if there was breast tissue, but since they send everything in anyway, this was a good precaution.
So, here I am with a bandage, no nipple, and just a slight bothersome feeling near my boob. I get to take a shower tomorrow. I see Dr. in two weeks for a recheck and we will schedule tattoo then. Then, the tattoo settles, and a month or so later, i can get the sewn nipple if I want. Maybe the tattoo'd area will satisfy me? who knows.
That's it from Reconstruction Central.
Molly
Baseball, vampires, and nipples.
Baseball is over for us. First time since Andrew was six that we aren't playing baseball in August. Not sure what we will do with all our time but Andrew seems ok with it all, and not having to wash uniforms every single day is nice too.
I have to mention the new book I am almost finished reading. It's really a teenager's book but Pam recommended it. It's called Twilight and is about teenaged vampires. It is very intriguing....I can see why teens love the love story --but it certainly isn't what I would normally read. But I must admit I really like it! I even googled it as there is a movie coming out in December. I was curious to see who was playing the parts...the female lead is exactly like I imagined, while the male lead is a bit too creepy for my imagination, but I am sure I will go see it anyway. Not anything that I would have ever picked for myself that is for sure. But if you are open minded, try it!
Today is "get yourself a nipple day". And "goodbye Mr. Pizza Pocket day". Haven't thought much about it to tell you the truth.
I will post later to let you know how it goes. My surgery starts at 2:30 in Kalamazoo. I am glad i get to drink and eat prior! : )
More later.
Molly
I have to mention the new book I am almost finished reading. It's really a teenager's book but Pam recommended it. It's called Twilight and is about teenaged vampires. It is very intriguing....I can see why teens love the love story --but it certainly isn't what I would normally read. But I must admit I really like it! I even googled it as there is a movie coming out in December. I was curious to see who was playing the parts...the female lead is exactly like I imagined, while the male lead is a bit too creepy for my imagination, but I am sure I will go see it anyway. Not anything that I would have ever picked for myself that is for sure. But if you are open minded, try it!
Today is "get yourself a nipple day". And "goodbye Mr. Pizza Pocket day". Haven't thought much about it to tell you the truth.
I will post later to let you know how it goes. My surgery starts at 2:30 in Kalamazoo. I am glad i get to drink and eat prior! : )
More later.
Molly
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
I can be an idiot.
How can you all stand me?
This morning, I took Dan and Andrew to their game at Hope College--had to leave at 7:30. Got home around 1:00 (we won) to see that there was again NOTHING in the mail about my test results. So I check caller ID and sure enough, Dr. T had called. I didn't right away panic as Andrew has his physical tomorrow so I hoped they just left a message reminding...well, no, no message. Heart starts beating, hands shaking. Strangely, I also saw that they had called at 9:16 a.m. and a year ago Thursday, Dr. H called at 9:46 to tell me I had cancer.
Body shaking, I called and got put on hold for hours (ok, two minutes). The receptionist came back on and when I told her I hadn't gotten my results back she said "oh, it takes at least a week." And then she said, "While I have you on the phone, I called this morning about Andrew's appointment so he he still on? (yes) "And let me see if by chance we do have your results just in case."
On hold.
Yup, the letter went out and everything is normal.
Why do I do this to myself???? I PROMISED myself that I wouldn't worry so much. I wasn't worried all morning until I saw that the office had called.
Anywhooo, so that is all good. Andrew's team won, 8-0, and we play again at 5:30 tonight. Andrew is electing to go to football instead and I don't blame him as his coach only plays him if the Lakeshore kids are missing (which is understandable, as the Lakeshore kids are very good). This team is VERY good but we are just beginning to see some really good teams. Hope College is beautiful by the way. Their baseball stadium is brand new and is a great place to watch a game. In fact, Jim and I will probably go back up for the second game. He is a coach (who isn't needed all that much) but I would love for him to see the field and the campus.
Josh is off to driver's ed. Poor thing just turned 16 but we neglected to get his permit in time last summer when I was diagnosed so he can't get his license until first week of September. He says he is absolutely fine with it and seems so.
Aloha,
Mollykelani
This morning, I took Dan and Andrew to their game at Hope College--had to leave at 7:30. Got home around 1:00 (we won) to see that there was again NOTHING in the mail about my test results. So I check caller ID and sure enough, Dr. T had called. I didn't right away panic as Andrew has his physical tomorrow so I hoped they just left a message reminding...well, no, no message. Heart starts beating, hands shaking. Strangely, I also saw that they had called at 9:16 a.m. and a year ago Thursday, Dr. H called at 9:46 to tell me I had cancer.
Body shaking, I called and got put on hold for hours (ok, two minutes). The receptionist came back on and when I told her I hadn't gotten my results back she said "oh, it takes at least a week." And then she said, "While I have you on the phone, I called this morning about Andrew's appointment so he he still on? (yes) "And let me see if by chance we do have your results just in case."
On hold.
Yup, the letter went out and everything is normal.
Why do I do this to myself???? I PROMISED myself that I wouldn't worry so much. I wasn't worried all morning until I saw that the office had called.
Anywhooo, so that is all good. Andrew's team won, 8-0, and we play again at 5:30 tonight. Andrew is electing to go to football instead and I don't blame him as his coach only plays him if the Lakeshore kids are missing (which is understandable, as the Lakeshore kids are very good). This team is VERY good but we are just beginning to see some really good teams. Hope College is beautiful by the way. Their baseball stadium is brand new and is a great place to watch a game. In fact, Jim and I will probably go back up for the second game. He is a coach (who isn't needed all that much) but I would love for him to see the field and the campus.
Josh is off to driver's ed. Poor thing just turned 16 but we neglected to get his permit in time last summer when I was diagnosed so he can't get his license until first week of September. He says he is absolutely fine with it and seems so.
Aloha,
Mollykelani
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
I hate this week.
I know what you are going to say, but I just don't want to.
Yup, no pap results yet in the mail. Doctor said he would hope to get a letter in the mail to me by the end of LAST week. I had told him I wanted nothing but "normal" results. I know I should call--and I will after tomorrow--because Andrew has a physical on Thursday anyway. But dang, what does it mean? I googled pap test results to see if there was something that would indicate that abnormal tests took longer to discern (my breast biopsy went longer-- to use different stains to see what was happening) but I found nothing that said that, EXCEPT that it said pap results can take up to three weeks. Well, I happen to know that NORMAL results don't take that long --I've always had normal results--and it seemed like it took a week or so. Heavy sigh.
I then googled ACC of the cervix and that was enough to put me over the edge. But there wasn't much to suggest it was anything but a primary site, so I guess that is good. ACC is an awful cancer.
Speaking of that, Prudence, also known as Pru, passed away this weekend. Pru was the moderator of the ACC website that I found and have used almost daily throughout my journey. She had ACC salivary gland with mets to the brain being what ended up killing her. We are all so sad. I giggle thinking about her because she had a lot of rules for using the site--very SMART rules I would guess--she didn't like any of us just posting to say thank you, or good luck on your tests, that type of thing. She wanted it all factual, question based, and answered based. A few times I felt like I got in trouble when I would post and she would answer but gosh, she was a fountain of knowledge and moderated the ACC site without compensation for many years. She will be so missed and when I participate in Relay for Life soon I will be thinking of all she has done for us fledgling ACC newbies out here. I was so sad last night for a woman I never met.
Jamie Z, thanks for your comments. We both need to go out and get drunk and cry. : ) But we won't--we will be responsible and suck it up and get up, each day. That is our only option. We have lots to do in this world still and people need us.
This is the same week I was waiting for my results of my breast biopsy last year. I had it done on Monday and found out Thursday morning. No wonder I am a mess.
Wow, this is a pretty downer blog. I do have a funny story from camping--at least I think it is funny. Camping the first night was really hot that we even had a fan running outside. Well, the fan went into the tent that two kids were sleeping in and in the morning, the kids found a three legged frog in the fan's box. Outside the box was the fourth leg.
That just made me crack up.
Time to go tackle the world and try not to puke from nerves. I am about to swear off all tests, I really mean it. But then I am not sure my docs would give me drugs and lord knows, i need those. (I am really just kidding about the drugs...I do have my bottle of Xanax and may have to take one today, but in general, I am ok without them)
Love, love, love--
Molly
Yup, no pap results yet in the mail. Doctor said he would hope to get a letter in the mail to me by the end of LAST week. I had told him I wanted nothing but "normal" results. I know I should call--and I will after tomorrow--because Andrew has a physical on Thursday anyway. But dang, what does it mean? I googled pap test results to see if there was something that would indicate that abnormal tests took longer to discern (my breast biopsy went longer-- to use different stains to see what was happening) but I found nothing that said that, EXCEPT that it said pap results can take up to three weeks. Well, I happen to know that NORMAL results don't take that long --I've always had normal results--and it seemed like it took a week or so. Heavy sigh.
I then googled ACC of the cervix and that was enough to put me over the edge. But there wasn't much to suggest it was anything but a primary site, so I guess that is good. ACC is an awful cancer.
Speaking of that, Prudence, also known as Pru, passed away this weekend. Pru was the moderator of the ACC website that I found and have used almost daily throughout my journey. She had ACC salivary gland with mets to the brain being what ended up killing her. We are all so sad. I giggle thinking about her because she had a lot of rules for using the site--very SMART rules I would guess--she didn't like any of us just posting to say thank you, or good luck on your tests, that type of thing. She wanted it all factual, question based, and answered based. A few times I felt like I got in trouble when I would post and she would answer but gosh, she was a fountain of knowledge and moderated the ACC site without compensation for many years. She will be so missed and when I participate in Relay for Life soon I will be thinking of all she has done for us fledgling ACC newbies out here. I was so sad last night for a woman I never met.
Jamie Z, thanks for your comments. We both need to go out and get drunk and cry. : ) But we won't--we will be responsible and suck it up and get up, each day. That is our only option. We have lots to do in this world still and people need us.
This is the same week I was waiting for my results of my breast biopsy last year. I had it done on Monday and found out Thursday morning. No wonder I am a mess.
Wow, this is a pretty downer blog. I do have a funny story from camping--at least I think it is funny. Camping the first night was really hot that we even had a fan running outside. Well, the fan went into the tent that two kids were sleeping in and in the morning, the kids found a three legged frog in the fan's box. Outside the box was the fourth leg.
That just made me crack up.
Time to go tackle the world and try not to puke from nerves. I am about to swear off all tests, I really mean it. But then I am not sure my docs would give me drugs and lord knows, i need those. (I am really just kidding about the drugs...I do have my bottle of Xanax and may have to take one today, but in general, I am ok without them)
Love, love, love--
Molly
Monday, July 14, 2008
Ava's blood drive
Monday morning and what a sunny, warm day. Days like this should be bottled and sold.
Camping was fun as always. We arrived Friday night and set up, and later had hotdogs and fried walleye. I bought Jim a new deep fryer and he was loving it. He beer battered the fish--I avoided it--but my hot dogs over the fire were wonderful. The Hollands et.al had pizza over the open fire and that was quite good too. I also made strawberry shortcake. During the night the rains came and everything was SOAKED. We just let the kids sleep in and cooked under the awning. We had biscuits and gravy for breakfast and although the weather report said rain until 5:00 that evening, it actually stopped around noon and ended up being a glorious, cool breezy day. Jim was wanting BLTS for lunch so I started frying bacon early, and it was taking forever on our little propane stove, so Jim decided to deep fry it. Get this--it was fabulous! I thought it sounded horrible, but it went so fast and was a lot less greasy than mine. We will cook it that way from now on--when we need to cook a lot that is. ( we also cooked some for Sundy's breakfast, which was bagel/eggs/bacon sammies.) Saturday night we all had shish kabobs that were great as well. Nothing like cooking over open fire. We also had the proverbial s'mores, and Dave Holland made yummy homemade strawberry ice cream. We got home Sunday afternoon and slept well last night, but Jim and I have decided sleeping in our camper isn't half bad because the AC keeps it so cool. Love it.
Still haven't gotten my test results from Dr. T yet...I think the mail is here but I literally can't get out the front door as the doorknob broke off last night when I was locking up. I need to fix that soon!
Josh was such a big help yesterday with tearing down the camper that I promised him lunch today at his choice. As of last night, he chose Olive Garden. Andrew was in charge of the dog but didn't so much, but I will allow him to come to OG if he wants. : )
I have decided I have too much time on my hands and this makes me worry about cancer. Never would I think i would want to go back to work, but I'm getting there. I just love sleeping in so much.
Oh! I almost forgot to mention this. Jamie and Jamie Zimmerman are sponsoring a memorial blood drive in honor of Ava Christine. The drive is July 29 from 2:00 pm until 8:30 pm at the Niles Inn here in Niles. I can't give blood because of my cancer but certainly would if I could. If you want an appointment, call Jamie at 269-695-1476 but walk ins are welcomed. If you have never given blood it is really easy and painless. I used to give blood all the time and was about to start giving again but read that cancer survivors can't give blood until they are cancer free for five years. I am not sure I would even give then, since my cancer can lay dormant for so long, but we will see. But if yougive, you will feel so good about it, it will honor Ava, and most importantly, you could be helping someone in a time of need. Please take the time to do this.
Don't forget to cop a feel with yourself tonight if you haven't lately. If you feel anything weird, call your doctor.
Much amore,
Molly
Camping was fun as always. We arrived Friday night and set up, and later had hotdogs and fried walleye. I bought Jim a new deep fryer and he was loving it. He beer battered the fish--I avoided it--but my hot dogs over the fire were wonderful. The Hollands et.al had pizza over the open fire and that was quite good too. I also made strawberry shortcake. During the night the rains came and everything was SOAKED. We just let the kids sleep in and cooked under the awning. We had biscuits and gravy for breakfast and although the weather report said rain until 5:00 that evening, it actually stopped around noon and ended up being a glorious, cool breezy day. Jim was wanting BLTS for lunch so I started frying bacon early, and it was taking forever on our little propane stove, so Jim decided to deep fry it. Get this--it was fabulous! I thought it sounded horrible, but it went so fast and was a lot less greasy than mine. We will cook it that way from now on--when we need to cook a lot that is. ( we also cooked some for Sundy's breakfast, which was bagel/eggs/bacon sammies.) Saturday night we all had shish kabobs that were great as well. Nothing like cooking over open fire. We also had the proverbial s'mores, and Dave Holland made yummy homemade strawberry ice cream. We got home Sunday afternoon and slept well last night, but Jim and I have decided sleeping in our camper isn't half bad because the AC keeps it so cool. Love it.
Still haven't gotten my test results from Dr. T yet...I think the mail is here but I literally can't get out the front door as the doorknob broke off last night when I was locking up. I need to fix that soon!
Josh was such a big help yesterday with tearing down the camper that I promised him lunch today at his choice. As of last night, he chose Olive Garden. Andrew was in charge of the dog but didn't so much, but I will allow him to come to OG if he wants. : )
I have decided I have too much time on my hands and this makes me worry about cancer. Never would I think i would want to go back to work, but I'm getting there. I just love sleeping in so much.
Oh! I almost forgot to mention this. Jamie and Jamie Zimmerman are sponsoring a memorial blood drive in honor of Ava Christine. The drive is July 29 from 2:00 pm until 8:30 pm at the Niles Inn here in Niles. I can't give blood because of my cancer but certainly would if I could. If you want an appointment, call Jamie at 269-695-1476 but walk ins are welcomed. If you have never given blood it is really easy and painless. I used to give blood all the time and was about to start giving again but read that cancer survivors can't give blood until they are cancer free for five years. I am not sure I would even give then, since my cancer can lay dormant for so long, but we will see. But if yougive, you will feel so good about it, it will honor Ava, and most importantly, you could be helping someone in a time of need. Please take the time to do this.
Don't forget to cop a feel with yourself tonight if you haven't lately. If you feel anything weird, call your doctor.
Much amore,
Molly
Friday, July 11, 2008
The lonely disease.
I wasn't going to blog today but got on to check the weather report and saw my Kristina's comment.
THIS is how cancer kills people. Kristina, you put into words exactly what every test, every exam, every probe, every ache and pain, does to us. It is just the worst. I am so thankful that nothing showed up for you...and thankful they were diligent for you...but totally understand what you are thinking and feeling. Still not having my pap results back, I freak when the phone rings. It's all too much.
BUT, thank heavens for Xanax I guess. I am just sick for what you went through and understand why you don't want any more tests. I know all cancer survivors go through this is some ways, but with ACC, IF it shows up again, we have no options and bascially, while we may live for a few years, mayabe as much as even 10-20, getting ACC again is what will kill us. I don't mean to be a downer to anyone but I want to put into writing why this cancer is so bad. We all look fine, and even feel fine, but it's still there, that awful possibility. I think this piece by Alice Neely that I found late at night one night is very good to explain how this weighs on us. The scary thing is I have no idea how Alice is doing, so I don't even think about it.
However, to spin this in a positive way, because it is the only way to win, Kristina and I have ACC/breast (although I worry I have it in my neck) and we hope that the prognosis for this cancer is better than normal... We have to believe this Kristina and we have to tell ourselves "we are not going to die today." And then we have to live.
I want to cry for Kristina's experience because I feel it deep in my heart--been there--but instead, I will get going, get packing for camping, curse the weather report, and pet my dog.
And if that doesn't work, I will take another Xanax and live stoned. Those 70's people may have been on to something.
Molly
THIS is how cancer kills people. Kristina, you put into words exactly what every test, every exam, every probe, every ache and pain, does to us. It is just the worst. I am so thankful that nothing showed up for you...and thankful they were diligent for you...but totally understand what you are thinking and feeling. Still not having my pap results back, I freak when the phone rings. It's all too much.
BUT, thank heavens for Xanax I guess. I am just sick for what you went through and understand why you don't want any more tests. I know all cancer survivors go through this is some ways, but with ACC, IF it shows up again, we have no options and bascially, while we may live for a few years, mayabe as much as even 10-20, getting ACC again is what will kill us. I don't mean to be a downer to anyone but I want to put into writing why this cancer is so bad. We all look fine, and even feel fine, but it's still there, that awful possibility. I think this piece by Alice Neely that I found late at night one night is very good to explain how this weighs on us. The scary thing is I have no idea how Alice is doing, so I don't even think about it.
A Lonely Disease
By: Alice Neely
What's scary about ACC is that there's really no one to talk to. Doctors either brush you off or send you home to make your will, your family gets terrified every time you reveal a new pain so you start staying quiet, and no one else in the world understands a cancer that can linger for years and haunt you and terrify you. The public is used to a dramatic diagnosis followed by surgery, chemo baldness and usually death in 2-3 years. We with ACC linger on and on, year after year. People get tired of hearing about our aches, pains and limitations. They lost that initial surge of sympathy they had years ago when we were first diagnosed. Most cancer patients would be gone by now but we linger on. Getting new tests and new evidence of mets.
And even then we don't get really sick. Our doctors say wait, nothing we can do, enjoy your life. We go back to living, trying, working, having relationships. But still it haunts us. WE know it is a killer. We know there isn't a good cure. We know our lung mets are now legion instead of 3. But the others who know us are tired of our dramas. Like the boy that cried wolf they've stopped believing in the urgency, they want to enjoy their healthy lives and they're tired of hearing about ours. Our brave lives of living in the face of fear and met knowledge. People get excited but then look for resolution, life goes on, their lives go on. Ours are a continuing drama of new test results, new pains and new trials. I think we just wear them out.
So who can we talk to? Our doctors nod with smiles and leave the room, our families get terrified so much so we have to calm them and our friends don't understand our fears. We look too damn good.
Of course it colors everything we do and feel; relationships, children, jobs, everything. None of them can know how influenced we are by knowing we have ACC. We live with it, we don't like it, but we're thankful we don't have something more deadly and rapid. We're the lucky cancer ones, so who are we to complain? We live years with ours when other are gone in a year. So what is our beef?!
We are alone, no one understands, no one can relate. How many times have all of us heard "Over 5 years ago? Well, that's good news! After 5 years cancer doesn't come back!" Well, that's with normal cancer, we say, ours is different and the longer you go, the greater the chance of mets. It's just a matter of time. They laugh and say "Oh, you're just worried. Think positive!" We do, we try, we think bloody positive every bloody day, year after year. But the mets keep coming and they keep growing and we keep getting more scared. So, who can we talk to?
Our thoughts only scare others. It’s just really not fair.
Alice Neely
diag. 1990, ACC salivary gland, 1993 neck resection, 39 weeks radiation
lung mets 2004, lymph mets 2005
Member of ACCOI’s free email Information Group: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Adenoid_Cystic_Carcinoma_Organization/
However, to spin this in a positive way, because it is the only way to win, Kristina and I have ACC/breast (although I worry I have it in my neck) and we hope that the prognosis for this cancer is better than normal... We have to believe this Kristina and we have to tell ourselves "we are not going to die today." And then we have to live.
I want to cry for Kristina's experience because I feel it deep in my heart--been there--but instead, I will get going, get packing for camping, curse the weather report, and pet my dog.
And if that doesn't work, I will take another Xanax and live stoned. Those 70's people may have been on to something.
Molly
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Not so blucky, just a bit yucky.
I am such a boob for complaining about all my ailments all of the time. Stomach is somewhat better today...I certainly can't say appetite was affected at all today as I had a work/lunch meeting and ate all that Reuben sandwich they gave me. It's just that bluckiness that is hard to shake. But I am definitely BETTER, just not perfect yet. Plus my usual ear/throat pain, and pain in my side/liver are still weighing in on all my emotions.
The other night I had a major hankering for homemade lemonade. I did not feel good and when I don't feel well I crave only certain things--usually, tomato juice is the key. (I think that is back from my college days when tomato juice and V8 were the cure for a night of drinking) Anyway, I almost got up and drove to Martin's to get some lemons. Finally, just yesterday I made some, following a recipe I got off the internet. (food network I am sure)
I must say, using the process I used, homemade lemonade is overrated! Of course, I don't have a juicer so I spent about a 1/2 hours squeezing lemons with my hands and getting stickiness all over my counter. I needed a whole cup of lemon juice and that took 6 lemons. Then I made the simple syrup that was recommended (sugar and water heated to dissolve the sugar) and added a few more cups of water (4 to be exact) And yes, it WAS good, but not necessarily worth the time I spent "juicing", not to mention the 6 lemons were almost 60 cents a piece. But there you go, I made it and can say I did.
A few minutes ago this thought crossed my mind: cancer has robbed me of dreaming but reminds me to live each day. I think I need to accept that. When I worry it is about something not happening yet, so I have to live by my mantra "I am not going to die today." I guess I needed to write this to remind myself to follow it. What a wonderful downer I can be.
Must go get husband's baseball uni and yell at Andrew to get himself dressed. We have to be in Kalamazoo at 4:30. It looks quite ominous outside but I am sure we will still have to go up there.
I probably won't blog until after camping, so I hope you all have a great weekend. I am sure I will be abused by my family as we sit around the campfire with umbrellas and a crazed dog--we are supposed to get thunderstorms on Saturday, but WE ARE STILL GOING DAMMIT!!!!
Psycho Camper Mom
The other night I had a major hankering for homemade lemonade. I did not feel good and when I don't feel well I crave only certain things--usually, tomato juice is the key. (I think that is back from my college days when tomato juice and V8 were the cure for a night of drinking) Anyway, I almost got up and drove to Martin's to get some lemons. Finally, just yesterday I made some, following a recipe I got off the internet. (food network I am sure)
I must say, using the process I used, homemade lemonade is overrated! Of course, I don't have a juicer so I spent about a 1/2 hours squeezing lemons with my hands and getting stickiness all over my counter. I needed a whole cup of lemon juice and that took 6 lemons. Then I made the simple syrup that was recommended (sugar and water heated to dissolve the sugar) and added a few more cups of water (4 to be exact) And yes, it WAS good, but not necessarily worth the time I spent "juicing", not to mention the 6 lemons were almost 60 cents a piece. But there you go, I made it and can say I did.
A few minutes ago this thought crossed my mind: cancer has robbed me of dreaming but reminds me to live each day. I think I need to accept that. When I worry it is about something not happening yet, so I have to live by my mantra "I am not going to die today." I guess I needed to write this to remind myself to follow it. What a wonderful downer I can be.
Must go get husband's baseball uni and yell at Andrew to get himself dressed. We have to be in Kalamazoo at 4:30. It looks quite ominous outside but I am sure we will still have to go up there.
I probably won't blog until after camping, so I hope you all have a great weekend. I am sure I will be abused by my family as we sit around the campfire with umbrellas and a crazed dog--we are supposed to get thunderstorms on Saturday, but WE ARE STILL GOING DAMMIT!!!!
Psycho Camper Mom
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