That awful feeling of worry.

Reality is setting in for my mom I think. We still don't have the path report yet, but today when I visited she made three comments that show me she is scared. Poor thing. The most hurt-filled one is when she says "I sure have gotten myself into this mess I guess." No one who has cancer should ever feel they are to blame--I suppose smokers feel it the most, but I know my mom blames herself since this could have been stopped earlier had she had a colonoscopy. One good thing she did say, which sort of tells me where her head is, was when we were talking about chemo--I told her the doctor said she wouldn't HAVE to do it even if it was needed (which I think we all know it will be needed) She looked at me and said "well, why WOULDn't I do it?"--meaning she will want to fight this. She is scared of the path report...golly, I know how that is. But I guess we will just have to wait and see how bad it is...ugh. This feeling is just awfulllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll.... And when my aunt and uncle came in she wouldn't say cancer--just mumbled about the obstruction and tumor...she does not want to say it and is so private about it....so unlike ME.

And here I am blabbing about it! Ooops. Oh well, I don't think anyone in her retirement hi-rise reads my blog. Anyway. My nerves are shot for her...I know what she is going through and there is nothing to take away that worry. Honestly, I hurt most because I don't want anyone to have the feeling of being scared about anything. It is so debilitating.

Today I saw Tara and Dr. Messinger and I believe I have three more appointments before surgery. For the first time today, I felt the needle go in--it hurt. Tara said my port is right under my incision so that could be why...plus new nerves endings I would guess. Dr. M came in and said they would be calling to schedule the surgery sometime this week--again, early February. I asked him if he had to open the entire incision and he said no, and he would be opening very close to Mr. Pizza Pocket. He then has to get the implant in (he called it a "VERY LARGE IMPLANT" by the way--in other words FATTY FATTY TWO BY FOR CAN'T GET THROUGH THE BATHROOM DOOR) and manipulate it around in the chest area that has been stretched. He mentioned "scoring the capsule", which I didn't understand, but the capsule is the scar tissue that has formed around the expander--he scores it with a tool, which will allow the implant to move in better. I have read about capsular constricture, which occurs once the implant is in and causes your implant to harden--and then I would be back to rock boob. You avoid capsular constricture by massaging your implants a lot. Can't you just see me in my office giving myself that great massage? : )

Hey, we have a new reader as of yesterday. When I was 11, I got a pen-pal from some organization I read in a magazine and became penpals with Debra, another 11 year old from England. Debra and I wrote each other ALL THE TIME, didn't we Debra? When I was a senior at Western, Debra and two of her friends came to the US and stayed with me and my roommates in our apartment. Talk about a crazy, fun-filled times! I think it was for about 3 weeks, right? Anyway, Debra and I do not write as much by hand anymore, but about once or twice a year we are in contact by email so yesterday I emailed her, and wallah! She is now reading my blog! Can you believe we have been writing now for 34 years? And have only met once....THAT, my friends, is the power of the pen--and now the Internet. If you can Deb, say hello. Debra is married to Mark and has a son and a daughter a year or two apart from my kids...small world, isn't it.

Jim just called and he finally shot a buck. WAHOO. Just a reject 6 point (technically, it's a four point since 2 of the six points have broken off) He is happy and my kids will be thrilled as they love venison. I know I should eat more of it since it is much better for you than beef, but I am so picky about smells since my neck surgery that I never really want it...anyway, glad for Jimmy. Maybe I will no longer be such a hunting widow!

Gotta run. Time to go to the game and support Andrew, the best bench warmer in the SMAC!

Love to all--keep praying.

Molly