Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Find your purpose.

Ouch. I just sneezed and my boob is ready to EXPLODE. I had my second to the last expansion today and I must say I can feel it all the way into my neck. It is screaming in pain. I see Dr. M next week for one last 60cc's injection and any last questions--then head in on 2/07/08 for the implant placement. He informed me today that he will NOT be able to take care of Mr. Pizza Pocket during the surgery--that will come later so this "event' in my life will continue longer than i thought. I also had to read a lot of research on the type of implant I am getting and sign off on all the 'risks' associate with them. Nothing too scary, but I was shocked to learn that 29 percent of reconstruction patients have to have MORE surgeries, and 49 percent have problems. Golly, those odds suck. But i have no options so...and, if the thing causes me issues that are not doable, SHE WILL COME ON OUT...and Ms. Sponge Boob can take her place.

My cold is knocking me out, and my back, hips, and tailbone are in a ton of pain. Not sure why but everything hurts. Lonnie, bless you for the massage--it will be needed regardless of whether this pain is gone. Now with the expansion my entire back is screaming, not just the lower back. I can't even hide the discrepancy between rock boob and saggy boob anymore--I don't care either. Wow, I am a whiny wimp aren't I? But the hip/back part scares me ...three months to Dr. Ansari again. ugh. I probably should have said "Please see me in 3 months."

Words can't even explain where my head is concerning our little Ava anymore. Right after she passed, the word "purpose" kept going through my head, and then at the service, the minister also brought that up. Without sounding too much like Oprah who also professes this, I DO think that we are all here for a purpose and we all need to figure out what ours is. Ava's purpose for me was to make me cherish what I have, appreciate ALL children, appreciate the support of family and friends, and to make sure that this happens forever, not just when the wounds are raw. I sometimes feel guilty that Ava's journey has made me, I think, a better person, and I feel very sound when I say that watching Jamie and Jamie endure this will also make my marriage stronger. What an incredible inspiration they are. I would gladly give up these lessons to bring Ava back but since I can't, I hope to live up to what her life meant to me. Amazing what a little life can do.

As for another purpose, I still worry about all the recent cancer diagnoses. I want to help in some way but everyone deals with their pain/fear in different ways. So here I am, just writing. As I have written lately the fears are back and I wish I could bravely tell you they aren't, but every ache and pain scares the hell out of me. I know I am not alone in this and after lots of thinking about it, I get tired of the worry and say TO HELL WITH IT, IF I DIE, I DIE. Goofy, I know.

Look around you and see if you know what others' purposes are...I look at Ginger and I know her purpose is FAMILY and giving to so many others(think of all those numerous fish frys they do!)...my Jim loves kids and making sure anyone who wants can and does play baseball...Lonnie, well, she is the most "purposeful" person I know...she is such a wonderful caretaker of everyone, not just Muhammad and Asaad, but so many people and CHILDREN all over the world. She is so clear her purpose. I think that 'purpose' is not just about taking care of our own families, but of giving to others in need. It is a given that any mother/father should have a purpose to take care of their children, but I want to be purposeful in my action for others. People were purposeful in their actions when I had surgery; people were purposeful in supporting Jamie and Jamie; Mimi is always purposeful in her traditions of ornaments for her neices and nephews--it doesn't have to be major; Betty is purposeful in always being my friend, even though we don't see each other enough; Sheryl is purposeful in making sure kids GET math...the list is endless! What I like most about purpose is that positives can come from tragedies IF we find a purpose for everything. Challenge yourself to be purposeful and to make a difference when you can.

Ok, do you think I am all on drugs? That whole paragraph above makes sense to me and has been swimming in my head since cancer, Ava, more cancer, etc....It may not make sense to you totally but I think you probably get the gist of it.

Find your purpose.



Angie Plude said...

What a wonderful post. Sometimes the smallest purpose in life can make the greatest impact to someone else. If you live each day with this in mind I know you will find peace.

Sue Phillips said...

LOVE the purpose thing! I've always felt that way too. I also feel our purpose can change or be multiple at different times in our lives but maybe that's just me!

Wanted to let you know I've had a MISERABLE cold and have been aching SO bad everywhere! Especially in my back and hips. Just some encouragement so you know that maybe you'll worry a little less!

Have a great day!

Mimi said...

Molly Elizabeth,

Ava's purpose was SO HUGE! After the funeral, so many people said that they wanted to stand and say something about how she had touched them, but just couldn't at the time. Even Quinner said that before Ava he never prayed to God on his own; now he prays every day and at random times because he understands that God is always available to listen to us, not just at bedtime.

Thanks for the props with my ornaments, by the way! My ornaments and my Christmas cards really are a couple of "purposes" that give me great joy!

Sorry you're not feeling well. Lots of crappy stuff going around. I'm thinking about wearing a mask constantly (like the people in Japan!) just to stay healthy.

Off to dance lessons! Tonight Johnny and I start "my Christmas present" lessons! I'm so excited, although I can't figure out what to wear. All of my sequined gowns are dirty. . . hmmm?

Feel better.