Sunday, February 24, 2008

Pollyanna or Doomsday Diane?

You know one of the best feelings in the world is when you feel bad and then you feel good. I had a hellacious migraine-type headache this morning and after 800 mg of ibuprofen and a bowl of hot Italian Wedding Soup for breakfast, I can cope. I thought my brain was going to explode.

The SECRET--if you read my comments, someone wrote that I should read the book called The Secret. I have not read it but saw it on Oprah, have read many excerpts, and feel I know the basic premise of the book. And I agree. We all do need to BELIEVE in good, BELIEVE in cures, BELIEVE in positivity, BELIEVE in ourselves, etc. But...and I have a big one...(pun intended) it takes TIME to get there. Overall, I think I am a pretty positive person. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't laugh and love, and if I am being honest, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wonder if this cancer is going to kill me. That is where this blog comes in. The Blog is my mini-version of the SECRET, as it allows me a place to get rid of the negativity and focus on all things positive. So if it seems like I am Doomsday Diane, I really am not. Even when I am scared out of my wits (in the doctor's office when he says "it's cancer") I am still ME, still in love with my life, in love with my world, in love with everything. It is not death that scares me, but missing out on such great stuff.

Having said that, I probably will read The Secret as I am all for learning and trying to worry less. I just hope you all don't think I am this black cloud who walks around being Negative Nancy. But I doubt I will ever be able to lie about how I am feeling--if I am feeling blue--yup, you are going to hear about it. 'Cause the god lord doesn't need me getting an ulcer on top of this yukky thing called cancer.

Happy sunny Sunday.


Saturday, February 23, 2008

March 22 is the date--

I love weekends. And weekends that precede two days that I can sleep in. Why am I not an adult like my parents who get up, no matter what they are doing, by no later than 6:00 a.m.? I slept until after 9 this morning, which is better than the noonish, which I did two weeks in a row after my surgery.

We are looking at March 22 for the BOOBS or BUST train trip to Chicago. Julie has to tell them how many are coming so now is time for 100 percent commitment. Plan on the whole day...we plan to leave in the morning from the South Shore station, get to the place (I think it is called if you want to check it out on the Internet) get our super duper lifting over the shoulder boulder holders and then have a fabulous lunch and then head back. I also could use your email address as the place has asked for it for some reason. I know some of you have to make work arrangements so please let me know if you really want to go. March 22...the end of saggy boobs.

My mom has had one side effect of her chemo--a bright red rash across her cheeks that isn't TOO bothersome. So far so good. My sister is in Hawaii. The life of a single girl is quite envious sometimes. But who would rub my feet?

Zech and Alyse are coming for dinner--we are having steak sandwiches and home made onion rings. I made some fresh salsa so we are all set. Then we are off to Andrew's last home basketball game for the year. I am so flippin' amazed at how fast this school year has gone. My kid will be in college before I know it.

Speaking of college, Andrew announced yesterday morning that he is not sure he wants to be a teacher because they don't make enough money. WOW. He has wanted to be a teacher since ...well.. forever. NOW WHAT? He had at one time considered being a weather man, which still interests him, and now he is thinking maybe pharmacy, but is afraid he would be bored not working with lots of people. Jim and I gave him suggestions and tips about the pros of I think he is now convinced he can make a DECENT living teaching, particularly since he wants to coach, too. He also says he wants to be an administrator like his mom. : ) We shall see. Next year he is taking Teaching Academy, which will certainly open his eyes to the ins and outs and the STRESSES of working with kids. But there are so many great things too about it.

It really can be difficult being an administrator's kid. Both boys have to listen to people who are angry with student called me a really NASTY name on their website because I had to give them a detention, and my kids heard about it. Luckily, they know it doesn't bother me much so they aren't off running to defend their mom, but I think it must bother them a little to have people say stuff. But Andrew has the right attitude--he says "who cares? They are jerks." I worry more about Josh who is so darn sensitive.

Anyway. That is about it for my words of wisdom.

Mrs. Brawley

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

A plethora of nothingness

If you haven't already, make sure you check out Debbie Floor's "bald is beautiful" pictures at her site. She is in control of her cancer journey and looks amazing. I would have had so many divets and craters in my head...God knew not to give me a cancer that involved losing my hair.

We are seriously looking at a Saturday date in March to take our "Boobs or BUST" trip to the bra fitting place in Chicago. We have not contacted the place yet but are looking at either the 15th or 22. If that doesn't work, we thought the second Saturday in April (after Spring Break) Let me know if you have preference. We have lots of interested people (with all different boob sizes) so please join us. More details to come. But give me date preferences.

I am very busy at school right now, so when I come home I just decompress. I didn't even go to Andrew's game last night...and if you know me, I don't miss much unless I have had my boobs stuffed or cut off. Two more games and then districts. I just was not up to traveling to Marshall. He, of course, was exhausted this morning and griped the whole time he was searching for matching socks, his shoes, etc. Josh and I just get the heck out of the house when he is like that.

The flu is hitting NHS hard...lots of teachers out for multiple days and kiddies, too. I swear by my flu shot, you know. But I still knock on wood. I do not want to get sick.

I am still reading and searching for info on ACC/breast. You know, stop it Molly. Just shut up about it.

We had really good mahi mahi with snap peas tonight for dinner, along with Jim's favorite french fries. I like fries, but not all that much so the ol' fishi fishi and peas did NOT fill me up. I hate that. And we have no yummy snacky type foods. I may just starve to death like my mom. Speaking of Barbara, I need to call her tonight. She started Round 2 of chemo today. Please pray it goes as well as last time.

As usual, the clan is napping and here it is, only 7:00. Andrew went to the girl's basketball game and hopefully will be calling to say our girls are headed to another district championship. That will be fun. I don't think our boys can do it, but you never know.

We need to speed winter along and get me to a sunny, HOT baseball game.

That is all I have to say.


Saturday, February 16, 2008

Joshua Brawley for President

Good evening, kiddies. Rather an uneventful day today...typical domestic issues such as laundry, dishes, HGTV...some crazy reality tv to make me shake my head. I am about to get to it on my class I am taking, but this is more fun.

Sheryl suggested in a previous comment that a bunch of us ladies take the Southshore into Chicago to have bra fittings at Oprah's store...well, at least the one she recommends. Anyone interested? We are thinking some Saturday--we will do lunch too--and all come home with better fitting bras and I am sure many, many laughs. Julie, at work, is checking with the boutique to see the best dates so I will keep you posted. EVERYONE is welcome.

Debbie, next time you are on, post your blog address. As usual, I can't find it or i would post it myself. Debbie is going through chemo and has such a wonderful attitude. You know, the more i think of it, most of us out here with cancer have pretty good attitudes. We sure as hell have our moments, but for the most part, you just

Friday night Jim, Josh and I went out to dinner at Mark III in St. Joe, or is it Lakeshore? Anyway, we had such a delightful conversation with Josh. Jim thinks Josh should run for president as he is well-rounded, likes a variety of people, is intelligent and has opinions to share with anyone who asks...or doesn't ask. We asked him where he stood on the issues...he thinks we need to finish up in Iraq and get the heck out of there, his economic plan revolves around something to do with him causing a depression and then solving it so he will be really popular, he thinks global warming is overated (this is the same kid who stayed up ALL night back in the day watching the whole "chad" contoversy in Florida...sorry Al Gore, he seems to have forgotten you), he has a plan for health care involving not quite done doctors who have to serve the country for there you have it. What is strange about all this is that Jim and I are certainly non-partisan and his opinions are HIS opinions...but he is at least informed that there are issues out there. If we asked Andrew the same questions he would probably say the biggest issue facing the country is whether Roger Clemens used steroids. : ) (or worse, he would just stare at us blankly and say "what's for dinner?")

This is the time of year that I start jonesin' for some type of vacation. And since I just finished a book with the setting of Savannah, GA I want to go there. When, who knows. But I did check out vacation rentals...I want to be on the beach and that is all that is needed...but alas, baseball means no vacations. Not to mention the fact that we are so broke...gawd, why is that? I would love to just go somewhere warm for a few days. And this is from someone who LOVES watching the light fluffy snow coming down.

Tomorrow dinner at the IL's will be quesadillas. I think my husband chose that one. We all take turns choosing. I think Ginger will spice things up by getting a variety of fillings. It's a nice way to end the weekend.

Weather report had been threatening another snowy storm but it looks like rain will be the biggest issue. I do not think we have gone to school for a full week in about 3-4 weeks. The boss says we have room for one more snow day before we have to make up any time. This year is zoom zoom 'ing...I hope warm sunny days get here soon.

Time to do some intellectual reading about why the way we grade students these days does more to harm learning than to help it. It really is fascinating.


M o double L Y

Thursday, February 14, 2008


Who has the greatest husband in the universe? Yup, this ol' gal.

Jim and I do not celebrate holidays for each other so today is no big day--we love each other DEARLY but everyday is special, so today is no big deal. But when I got home from school he was in the kitchen and made me a 4 course meal:

First course: Bleu cheese/bacon salad YUM.
Second course: French Onion Soup with fresh guyere cheese. YUMMY!
Third course: Shrimp scampi with linguine. More than Yummmm
Dessert: Pecan Pie (ok, that wasn't homemade but everything else was!) haven't had any yet --too full!

Is he not the best? He let me hang out with the dog/kids/newspapers/Oprah while he cooked. I plannned to clean the kitchen but he even helped with that.

He is HOTY! (husband of the year)

On a lighter, funnier note, that may not be so funny, he has lost his hearing in one ear. Just all of a sudden...he says it feels clogged and he really can't hear. I put some wax (TMI I know) removing ear drops in but so far not much has changed. Poor guy.

I took the steri-strips off Boobie and she is a bit yellowish-bruised and still a little flat. I hope she rounds out a little. But she sure looks ok in a bra. Pizza Pocket has to go tho'--he has worn out his welcome.

I am now taking 800 mg of Ibuprofen to help with the pelvic helps a lot.
My blood pressure will probably spike again but at this point, I don't care. I am really thinking this might be related to the monthly curse--my face is so oily right now I feel like I am in junior high. Am I crazy to wish for menopause?

If you have read my posts, you have seen Stacey, who I met on my breast cancer site. She doesn't have ACC but is newly diagnosed. She is also a control freak like me and we found we had lots in common! She has surgery on Monday so let's wish her well and add her to prayers and positive thinking. Also, Mike, good to hear from you too. You would tell me to STOP WORRYING I know.
And Lori Anne, you are too funny! You elementary teachers sacrifice a lot in the line of duty. And as always, my Kristina--I am so sorry about the flu...gawd, I am knocking on wood that I haven't had that.

My mom, as always, is doing fine. She either is doing awesome or lying to me; but she really does seem ok. She got a second drug this week and so far no side effects...I keep praying it will go well for her. Debbie, I am reading YOUR blog and you are a perfect example of attitude is everything! Can't wait to see your mohawk!

Ok--i need to do some research on how to get Andrew to PT tomorrow. Ginger is taking him but we have never been there. She was rejected for jury duty by the way. I am glad the judge dismissed her--we all need her too much.

Hugs and kisses on Valentine's Day. Tonight is a good night to do a boob check--don't forget!


Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Typical whining and rubbish.


I am fluctuating between happiness and worry about my aching back, gut, hips, etc. Damn, I so know how you are all tired of hearing about it, but I STILL AM IN PAIN AND IT ISN'T GOING AWAY. Ok, sorry about that. But I constantly, for a long time, feel like I have low back labor type pain, plus period type cramps in the front, plus nerve like pain in my hips, and horrible tailbone pain. Granted, this is not the first time I have had any of this, in fact, I have had all of these over the course of 10 years, at different times, but it just seems like none of it is going away. And I keep telling myself that my ultrasound two years ago showed nothing, my back MRI a few years ago showed bulging discs, and my PET/CT scan showed nothing. To avoid thinking of all the cancer I could have, I have diagnosed myself with some type of sciatica combined with pending menopausal endometrial swelling, which is a term I made up.

I think I want to become addicted to painkillers. Perhaps a little exercise would help, huh? Naw, painkillers are easier. I should NOT kid about that, but I can't stand taking much more than Tylenol for any length of time, plus I always have stupid side effects like itiching and headaches so I can't take much anyway.

Heavy sigh.

UNO! Did you all see that cute little beagle that won best of show at the AKC championship? I want him. Shade is jealous and is outside trying to sit on top of a dog house, baying at the moon just like beagles do... (not really, but she is outside, barking at nothing, as usual.)

I have not yet mentioned the book The Middle Place by Kelly Corrigan that Betty gave me. It is about a 34 year old mom who has breast cancer and then her own dad is diagnosed with prostate cancer. I started the book Monday night and stayed up until 1 a.m. to finish it. I laughed out loud numerous times and cried in a few spots. It is the book I wished I had written. Part of it was that Kelly graduated in 1984 from high school, which makes her a tad younger than I, but some of her memories from high school were so spot on, I had to laugh.

One funny thing that I laughed out loud at involved her going out for the first time without hair...she wore a scarf to take her kids to the park and picked up a few other took her some time to be brave to leave the house so when one of the kids (who was like 4) told her she looked like a monster, she broke down, got some other mom to take the kids, and then called her husband, sobbing. Not knowing what to say, the husband was so mad he yelled "THAT LITTLE FUCKER" about the 4 year old, which made Kelly laugh so hard she forgot about the sadness. It just made me want to wake Jim up and tell him how great HE is, and that I, along with Kelly, am lucky to have such a great support system.

Oh, yes my follow up appointment with Dr. M took about 4 minutes. He said he WAS going to take care of Mr. Pizza Pocket, but we needed to let Boobie settle in a bit. So I go back in one month. I still have the steri-strips on, can take them off in a few days. I asked if I needed to massage her, like I had read, and he said, nope, just let her do her thing. : )

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. It is fun to watch all the flowers being delivered at school. Andrew is Mr. Romance suddenly but couldn't understand why I couldn't sign the card for his girlfriend--he said my handwriting was better. I think that is so funny. He now realizes that flowers are EXPENSIVE. (when Jim and I were dating, and his parents owned the florist shop, I got DOZEN of roses BUT they were wholesale roses, which meant there were about 8 zillion of 'em wrapped in cellophane and I had to clean them, 48 zillion thorns as well. Regardless, I loved them.) Now I get flowers for being a brave cancer girlie and I still love them. (I got a yummy spring flower basket yesterday from my bosses and the flowers have filled my house with the most delightful SPRING aroma!!!)

I guess I should go now...enough rambling for one evening. Hugs to all of you.

Mop Top
(that was my nickname in junior high--just feeling nostalgic)

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Doing ok.

Doing ok--went to Andrew's basketball game and other than being tired walking up the stairs to the upper bleachers and not really being able to clap as hard as I usually do, it went well. I slept most of the day I am sorry to say--mainly because I had a stomach ache for some reason. Maybe it's still the drugs from the surgery.

I am in very little pain, just sore through the upper chest area--like I have been lifting weights. My right arm is a little sore too, which is strange because it never has been like this before.

I unveiled Boobie today and I think she is a little little. But when I put her in a bra, she seems perfect, if not a little large. Also, she seems a little flat; she doesn't come to a point so to speak. But strangely, she looks fine in a bra. Maybe I do need to get a nipple tattoo to make her look more normal. I also know at some point I have to massage her so maybe she needs to move around a bit to fill things in better. Mr. Pizza pocket is about half gone--looks ok to me, but at this point, I don't really care. I am curious as to what Dr. M will be doing from here on I going to go just once more? I don't even know.

I am going back to work on Monday. Probably not supposed to, but I feel ok. I may not work the whole day but will attempt to...I see Dr. M Tuesday morning.

That's all for now. My right arm is suddenly really sore so typing is painful.


Thursday, February 7, 2008

Boobie has arrived.

Another chapter is almost closed on the cancer journey...not the book, but at least a chapter.

My new boobie is perky and SQUISHY!!! I had heard it would be as hard as the expander but oh no, it feels like a real boob and even jiggles like the other. It is bandaged over the Mr. Pizza Pocket to over the old nipple area, but I can see a lot of it and it looks like a perfect boob that you might see on some famous person. (remember, I am still on drugs here)
Jim is loving it, and says "your boob is just beautiful" as he gazes longingly. (again, I am still doped up here)

We are fascinated by the squishiness of it. I can't wait for all of you to feel it and you KNOW I will make you! : )

Surgery was quick--got there at 7:30 am for all the preliminary stuff, walked to the OR room at 8:59, glanced at the clock in the OR room at 9:00 exactly, tried to fight the anesthetic just to see if I could...and woke up in recovery at 10:00...discharged at 11:15 or so. Dr. M (who I adore now--he wore a cowboy hat and cowboy boots in to see me...said he left his horse at home) told Jim and Ginger "I just have to say this TWICE. It went way better than expected. It went way better than expected." One thing I can tell he did was scrape the old scar tissue that had surrounded the area--I am guessing that is why it feels so natural. He said that is part of the deal.

I have taken no pain meds and just have a slight sore throat, and the feeling that I should cough a lot--sort of like I am congested. Bad news is I can't take a shower until Saturday...back to doctor on Tuesday for review. He DID admit that while he is happy with the symmetry of the boobs, he couldn't sit me up to look, AND Pizza Pocket is still there but I can't tell yet how much until bandages come off Saturday. But it is over.

Today is a minor celebration day so I won't whine about my achy hips and back for once. I feel pretty good, and as I look at August 7 (lumpectomy), September 7 (mastectomy) and today, February 7, I am so proud of making it this far without getting put in a straight jacket, overdosing on self-pity (or drugs) and hopefully helping even one person know that cancer is SCARY and life-threatening but no matter what, we have to NEVER NEVER stop living. I am no wheres near done with this, but tonight, I am going to give myself a break.

Boobie and I are going to get to know each other.

I love you all.


Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Hurts so good.

Massage. Wow. Never had one and for a minute...ok, a second...thought I would never go back. WOW.

So I have my first massage ever, courtesy of Lonnie, with a lady in Berrien Springs. Teri was awesome! Not only does she make you feel really comfortable right away, she must have the strongest hands known to man. The room was dark, smelled good, nice calming music. And then she starts. Starts with my face and it feels quite nice...then the strength comes out. She even massaged the bridge of my nose. I am sure most massages are like this, but it felt like agony one second because it seemed like she moved my muscle from point A to point B, and then when she was done it was the most relaxing feeling in the world. At the end you are all wrapped in warmth, almost like a cacoon, and then you have to go home.

Teri's personality was fun too--I can tell why Lonnie likes her so much. When I left I made Jim an appointment. I know it is expensive but he deserves one so much. Couldn't get him in for 4 weeks that is how busy she is...but well worth the wait.

Andrew's MRI turned out ok--just as I expected, the pain is inflammation caused by the constant throwing of both a football and baseball. No surgery is needed, but he is on a 2 month dosing of anti-inflammatories and has to have physical therapy 2 times a week. Dr. Balint is sending him to this "brilliant" shoulder PT, who has worked with pros for the Cubs, the Red Sox, the Phillies, etc. He is the only one he recommends for Andrew's issues...but thinks once he has the inflammation under control and is just throwing baseballs, not the combo of footballs--along with the PT, his arm will actually be stronger. Dr. Balint said he won't have to miss any sports or anything--and he knows baseball has already started and won't end until August--and he is not worried about it. That was a relief to Andrew and to Jim. The world starts and ends with baseball as we all know. : ) One interesting thing Dr. Balint said concerned Muhammad, ironically. He was telling us how awesome this Pt guy is, and he says "you probably wonder why he is in South Bend, Indiana if he is so good...well, what I say to that is Why does Muhammad Ali live in Berrien Springs?" So I smile and Andrew smiles and he says 'did you know the world's greatest athlete choses to live here? So does the world's greatest shoulder PT." Andrew and I continue to smile and finally I filled him in on the Ali's. He is a HUGE AND I MEAN HUGE Muhammad fan and spoke about meeting him when he was in undergrad school at Notre Dame. He boxed and Mr. A came to one of his bouts and said to him when he had won " you scare me". He met Muhammad one other time at a Fight night in Tulsa, Ok. Can you tell he is a fan? We invited him to one of Andrew's baseball games--think he'll come? Just shows you what a cool dude that Mr. A is.

My mom is on day 2 of her first chemo--and KNOCK ON WOOD--has had no side effects yet. She went on a Monday this week but will normally go on Wednesdays for 7 hours, then she goes home with her port and drug pump until Friday, where she meets with the doctor who draws blood and makes sure she is ok. So she has over 48 hours of the MEAN nasty but hopefully CURATIVE chemo drugs flowing through her. Then she has a whole week off and starts again the NEXT Wednesday. This goes on for 6 months. So far so good.

Wow, I almost forgot I am having surgery Thursday! Rook boob will not be missed, but you know, I do feel she is MINE--just like my former boob. I know she is altered but she is still my boob. I am sure I will come to know and love new softer boob just as much. I need to dig out my papers and figure when the last time is I get to drink and eat tomorrow.

Fog day today...wahoo! Even though I had to get up at 7:30 a.m. it was a lot better than 5:30 a.m. No other weather related issues by tomorrow so we will finally get our half day of professional development in.

Life is good today.


Saturday, February 2, 2008

The Photo Chronicles of Rock Boob.

Well hello, all of you. It is a Saturday night and Jim went to his annual Hunter's Party. All the guys had to make a venison dish--Jim made venison fajitas. Josh is still asleep from his afternoon nap, and WOW, surprise, so is Andrew. I am watching some show about Andrea Yates, the woman who killed her five children. Mental illness is so mind-boggling, isn't it?

I love Saturdays because I can watch a lot of mindless TV. Ok, the Andrea Yates thing is scary so I will find something else. How about The Girls Next Door? Tee hee.

I will be posting my latest self-boob portrait of fake rock book and smaller sort of saggy good boob. I asked Jim to take the picture and he thought I meant without clothes---ugh! When I laughed and said NO, silly, he thought, 'well, I never know with you." Had to laugh. Today I ran into our staircase railing with rock boob and it about knocked me back three feet. I literally laughed out loud as it didn't even hurt. I also found that is is a nice little table to sit that heavy Pillars of the Earth book on when I am reading in bed. ANYWAY, the next picture you see after today's will be the implant picture with the boob that will be permanant. hmmmm..that is mind-boggling too.

Ok, going to work on getting that photo uploaded. Parental guidance is suggested. : )


Friday, February 1, 2008

An anniversary of sorts.

Exactly one year ago today I found my cancerous tumor. I didn't know it at the time, but since I remember the date, I think deep down I knew SOMETHING wasn't right. My whole boob ached for a few days and that damned lump HURT. I remember whining about it to my friends at work who probably chalked it up to just another hypochondriac pain that I am so prone to...thank goodness I eventually trusted my instincts. (ok, 5 months is a bit long but at least I went)

I want all of you to raise your right hand and PROMISE to get to the doctors if you find a lump ok? And if the doctor says it is nothing, make sure you are 100 percent sure s/he is right.

WAHOO for you Kristina! Tell me, was it just a normal diagnostic mammogram? And remind us, did the mammogram find it before? And as I often tell myself, recurrance is rare with ACC and from what I have read, there is only one known case of bilateral ACC. Do you know if we are more prone to OTHER breast cancers because we have ACC? I don't know if I have ever asked. So, when are your next rounds of tests? Hopefully, you have some time off so we can avoid the test worry that always comes. Another question, did they tell you right away? My mammo and chest xray are a week prior to my visit with my oncologist and I am already wanting to pop the Xanax for the waiting. My heart is anxious as I type this.

We were blessed with another snow day today. I slept, shamefully, until 10:00. But I was sort of up all night checking the snow and when we hadn't closed by 5:15, I thought we were going. Gotta love when that phone rings. Our homecoming basketball game is cancelled too--that is sad for the kids. We will reschedule when we get back to work on Monday.

Sheryl, your chicken enchilada lunch yesterday inspired me to make them tonight. Josh took the family to Pizza hut for lunch on a gift card he got for Christmas. The roads a still snowy, but our driveway is the biggest problem. Pizza hut was sort of busy so everyone seems to be able to get out and about.

I am about three chapters into The Pillars of the Earth and must say it is a very fast read--but I am having major issues with holding the gargantuan book up while laying in bed! The sucker is heavy and wide. Plus I like to hunker down in blankets. I always laugh at people who read in bed on tv. They like sit up with a perfectly straight back. Then there is me, blankets wrapped all around...anyway.

Did you see Oprah's latest book choice? It's called Your Purpose Driven Life. Ironic, huh?

TTFN. Josh is lurking once again-- but now wants to go to the Y.

buh bye.


PS--I forgot to say that my mom's polyps were NOT cancerous. That waas good news. However, she has to have them taken out after chemo, so that means 6 months with the colonsotomy bag...she is ok with it though. So, we will call that good news.