Thursday, July 10, 2008

Not so blucky, just a bit yucky.

I am such a boob for complaining about all my ailments all of the time. Stomach is somewhat better today...I certainly can't say appetite was affected at all today as I had a work/lunch meeting and ate all that Reuben sandwich they gave me. It's just that bluckiness that is hard to shake. But I am definitely BETTER, just not perfect yet. Plus my usual ear/throat pain, and pain in my side/liver are still weighing in on all my emotions.

The other night I had a major hankering for homemade lemonade. I did not feel good and when I don't feel well I crave only certain things--usually, tomato juice is the key. (I think that is back from my college days when tomato juice and V8 were the cure for a night of drinking) Anyway, I almost got up and drove to Martin's to get some lemons. Finally, just yesterday I made some, following a recipe I got off the internet. (food network I am sure)

I must say, using the process I used, homemade lemonade is overrated! Of course, I don't have a juicer so I spent about a 1/2 hours squeezing lemons with my hands and getting stickiness all over my counter. I needed a whole cup of lemon juice and that took 6 lemons. Then I made the simple syrup that was recommended (sugar and water heated to dissolve the sugar) and added a few more cups of water (4 to be exact) And yes, it WAS good, but not necessarily worth the time I spent "juicing", not to mention the 6 lemons were almost 60 cents a piece. But there you go, I made it and can say I did.

A few minutes ago this thought crossed my mind: cancer has robbed me of dreaming but reminds me to live each day. I think I need to accept that. When I worry it is about something not happening yet, so I have to live by my mantra "I am not going to die today." I guess I needed to write this to remind myself to follow it. What a wonderful downer I can be.

Must go get husband's baseball uni and yell at Andrew to get himself dressed. We have to be in Kalamazoo at 4:30. It looks quite ominous outside but I am sure we will still have to go up there.

I probably won't blog until after camping, so I hope you all have a great weekend. I am sure I will be abused by my family as we sit around the campfire with umbrellas and a crazed dog--we are supposed to get thunderstorms on Saturday, but WE ARE STILL GOING DAMMIT!!!!

Psycho Camper Mom

1 comment:

Kristina said...

I had my chest xray today and it was the worst experience. Everything turned out fine in the end but as they were doing the xray they started calling in other people to look and said that they needed to do more views just to make sure. That awful feeling started welling up inside me and I felt as though I was transported back in time to the ultrasound of my original tumor. They were definitely looking at something on the xray that wasnt right, I could tell by their faces. I know that face, I have had it myself when I dont want the patient to know how bad things are. As soon as they said that they were done I walked right over to the monitor and took a look. There was dark spots behing my left breast and diffuse spots throughout my lung. I said what is that it doesnt look right. Oh, they said we have to have the radiologist give the final reading. It could be just scar tissue or normal changes in the lungs. I walked out of there and had a full blown panic attack. I felt as if the walls were closing in on me and I was going to faint. Luckily I had come down with one of my co-workers, I was working in radiation oncology that day and she took me right upstairs, gave me Xanax and had one of the doctors pull my scan up immediately. He said that there were some changes but they were symetrical and probably infiltrates from a bronchitis I had had. I started feeling the effects of the Xanax so was able to calm down a bit and stopped hyperventilating. He called the radiologist and asked him to call immediately with the final report. It took four and a half more hours for the final report which stated an all clear, and by that point I was totally stoned but this was pretty much the second worse day with this whole cancer experience. The scenarios that were running through my head were awful, everybody kept telling me that it would be fine and not to worry but that is so easy to say and so hard to believe after what we had been through. In the end it all worked out fine and I came home and slept for a couple of hours and am still feeling pretty stoned. What a surreal day, I just feel as though the bottom of my world dropped out from under me and I am trying to find my footing again. I HATE this cancer sickness. I feel like I have a time bomb growing inside of me that is just waiting to go off. I was actually starting to feel good about my health again and today was just a mean reminder of how fragile my cancer free state is and maybe it is there just undectable. I dont want to get anymore tests, there really is nothing they can do for this anyway. Even if there was something in my lungs they would just do a watch and see approach waiting for a tumor to get big enough to remove anyway. I feel awful today and nobody really can understand except for you Molly, and other survivors like us. I dont want to do this anymore. I have no staying strong today, I feel broken. Thank God I have you.