I have not had too many physically rough nights or days since this whole cancer journey started, but last night I was ready to give up on everything. My expansion is at the point where I feel it is going to hurt all the time, and last night I wanted to cry and yank the thing out. I cannot describe the feeling; I guess the closest thing to it is a major muscle spasm in your back, with a excrutiating tightness in the chest. It hurts like hell.
Then I start to wonder if I shouldn't have even bothered with reconstruction. It actually looks ok under clothes right now, but at yesterday's appointment Dr. M said that it isn't filling in all the way to Mr. Pizza Pocket like it should...so Mr. Pizza Pocket is still just hanging there, rather than expanding. I can't figure out why the fluid just doesn't fill in, but perhaps the expander isn't big enough? He did mention that the future implant may need to be bigger but he was pretty vague about it all and I was more worried about the pain than asking questions. We ended with just 50 cc's and it still put me over the edge last night. I will say that I am better today, but I took a major dose of Ibuprofen this morning and can at least move about without groaning! Laying flat is a different story--we have resorted to the old "Jimmy hoisting beached whale Molly up off the bed" routine. I tried flipping on my side, flipping my legs off the bed, using my elbows, doing a super dooper fast sit up--all these things-- and I still end up looking like a turtle on her back.
Heavy sigh.
Last night was Ginger's 65th birthday. That lady is one special lady. Pam and I marvel everyday about what a wonderful mother in law she is. We want Oprah to do a show about her.
Yesterday I received two books from some really nice people. First, Mary Working dropped off a book from Cathy Bair, a Niles breast cancer survivor who is in charge of a local support group. The book was called HOPE and featured mini-stories of local ladies who are surviving breast cancer. Thank you Cathy! We have never met but I hear about you all the time. The stories were inspirational and remind me I am not alone in this.
Secondly, Kelly Gaideski sent me CRAZY SEXY CANCER: Tips for Cancer in the mail. I am sure many of you have heard of the television show of the same name. It is written by a young cancer survivor who has a really rare cancer in her liver--only 200 people a year are diagnosed with it--but she is still fighting and wow, how funny is the book. I love it because she says "frick" and every once in a while uses the REAL "F" word! : ) I love the sense of humor in it and there are so many things that she has said that I have said...she calls her liver the swiss cheese because her cancer looks like holes on the scans. I have not seen the tv show but hear it is great. Thanks Kelly--I am hardly in the book yet but have loved every minute I have read so far. (I tried to read it last night but beached whales and turtles stuck on their backs have issues)
What else. I don't know. I guess it is time for tacos at John and Ginger's. Josh is now going trick or treating as a ghost. Yes, a sheet with two holes in it. But creative Jimmy decided to use a Notre Dame sheet that used to be on Josh's bed so now Josh is going as The Ghost of Notre Dame Football. Andrew has National Honor Society Inductions.
Tomorrow a buddy named Valerie, who has ACC breast, is having her surgery. I wish you lots of luck Valerie and my prayers are with you...as they have been. Valerie and Kristina, I am so glad we have the internet!
Happy Halloween all...may your night be filled with Reeses' Peanut Butter cups.
Molly
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