Sunday, August 19, 2007

A Day of Worry

Reality brings worry. Need to write them down so I can deal with it in black and white.

Worry #1. Still worried that I might have ACC in my salivary glands. My right ear hurts, and my first bite syndrome is worse than I remember. I also am coughing a bit. Irrational thought is cancer. Rational explanation is my right ear has hurt mildly for years because of my surgery in 2001, and my first bite syndrome hasn't changed all that much. I keep telling myself that my CT scan last October of my head would have shown something, as would the PET scan that I had done looking for cancer mets from the breast cancer. I keep thinking of the doctor at the tumor board who said "shouldn't we enhance her salivary glands" and no one seemed to think it was necessary. I think my cough is from allergies, and know that the PET Scan and Chest x-rays that I have had done show nothing. I am just so not trustworthy about scans anymore. Did I tell you all that I emailed my ENT from U of M about this breast cancer? And, believe it or not, he emailed me the nicest email back. He didn't deal with any correlation to the schwannomma and didn't seem to think it was unusual that I still had first bite syndrome. He did say that ACC of the breast is rare, but not unheard of, and does have a better prognosis than ACC of any where else. He also told me to keep him informed and gave me a great website for ACC (of all types) He told me to use his name if I needed to, as he knew the founders of the site. Damn, I just don't want it anywhere else! I did mention my concern (worse first bite syndrome) to the tumor board people who didn't seem to be too worried, and just pointed out that nothing is showing on the PET Scan. I sure hope that is enough.

What this shows you about cancer is this: every ache and pain is scary. I do know that each of my pains can be explained by something else so I have to keep telling myself that. When I first felt the breast cancer tumor, I couldn't explain it as it was a new sensation.

Worry #2: Still scared they won't get clean margins. I have posted a question to a "ask a doctor" site citing my pathology report and the depth of the tumor--this whole "extensively deep anterior infiltration" but "no tumor in muscle is seen" gives me mixed feelings, so I basically asked about mastectomy. Dr. Nancy knows my fears so I hope she scrapes the hell out me.

Ok, you have heard all of this before. Sorry, like I said it is a worry day. As usual, I am worrying about things out of my control. That is tough for me! I want to go back to worrying whether we have enough seats in the lunch room.

Andrew's plane got delayed in Philadelphia so he isn't home yet. Should be in Chicago by now tho'. Can't believe football is right around the corner. Andrew can't play the first game because he didn't get 10 practices in (state rule I guess) and then Uncle Danny felt he had to sit him a second game (boo! hiss! but we do support Danny no matter what) to be fair to all of the kids who have been working so hard...that means his first game won't be until September 7, yes, the day of my surgery. Waa. Ironically, we play Kalamazoo Central that night AT Central so Jim can just pop over from the hospital to the game. I am going to try to see if it is on the radio up in Kalamazoo somewhere.

Going to work tomorrow. Wahoo! Dread getting up as I still don't go to sleep very early but will adjust I am sure. Freshman Orientation is Tuesday for my little Joshie.

What a dreary day. I hear the heat is coming back full force this week, of course. That's ok.

As always,



Maggie said...

Molly, I am so glad I was able to talk with you today. Glad we could laugh too about many things. Whoever is organizing the meals for your family after your surgery please let them know I want to participate.Take Care and have a good day back tomorrow. Maggie

PK said...

Love the pictures!
Those "what to do between office visit blues" sound real familiar to me. Absolutely normal & part of the process, I think ... but can I interest you in yoga? The deep breathing & relaxation may help & those little Yogi guys live forever so it must send good neuro-transmitters & T-cells racing thru your body. I've got lots of tapes to share.
You are going to out-Dolly Dolly Parton when they pump-you-up! Get lots of foam to keep yourself balanced or you'll fall over.
I'll be in tomorrow, too, and I've got a little thingie for you - and I need to give you a hug. I'll be over.

kim said...

Loved those photos. Thanks for sharing it with us all. Come down to Carrie's room as the English dept. is meeting tomorrow from 9-noon and again on Tues. ? Did Josh eat all that candy yet?