Do not feel good today. Jim thinks it is a crash from the adrenaline rush of Andrew's baseball games. It is nice to be home but reality is setting in and is complicated by my 16 year old flying off to Maine for a once in a life time experience and me sitting at home wondering if I can handle going there or not. Still nervous about what pathology will say tomorrow. I keep telling myself that it will be okay no matter what but I want clean margins SOOO bad --and don't I deserve some good news? : ) I have just read too many cases of having to go back in for more tissue. I don't want that complication and at this moment I am not sure I could handle it. Well, of course I can handle it, but darn it, I don't want to...
I took off the bandages today and I have two incisions and both aren't too awful looking--but the boob area underneath is definitely a little flatter. My boob sort of looks like a torpedo with some of the blue dye still in there! There are butterfly bandages over the incisions but those stay until I see Dr. Nancy in a week. I have no appetite for some reason--and my throat still hurts. Today is the worst I have felt, but all in all it is ok. I even did some laundry and tried to unpack, just to get ready to pack Andrew again. Jim is exhausted from work today and is taking a nap so the house is quiet--Josh is at a party and Andrew is at football practice.
I continue to do research about this kind of cancer and although there is a rare cancer website devoted to it, people don't post very often so I can't communicate with actual survivors of this type of cancer. I have heard from a few breast cancer survivors and my gosh, that has been helpful. Had a long talk with Vikki, a 16 year survivor today, and her "I'm gonna beat this devil" attitude was just what I needed. Her memories of how she survived are very similar to what I am going through--it is just awful when your first thought every morning when you wake up is "I have cancer." She promises me this will go away in time but remembers it clearly.
Ok, I need to quit feeling sorry for myself here. Back later, hopefully with a better attitude!