Frick.

You know what I want to write for my title but can't. Dr. Nancy called and said that the tumor is too infiltrative to leave as is...so now I have to have a mastectomy. She said this tumor isn't like a normal round tumor that you just remove, it has fingers and those fingers were going everywhere in the piece she took out so "to be on the safe side" (her words) she said she thinks she needs to do the mastectomy. She said she talked with the pathologist twice and Dr. Ansari and together they decided this was the best thing, as not much else (like chemo) helps this kind of cancer except to make sure it is all out.

On the good side, the node was still negative, which I guess is the saving grace of the day. She also encouraged me to go to Maine, and when I get back I will call her and will have two appointments, one first with the plastic surgeon and then her to schedule the mastectomy. It will give me a few days to read up on things; I already have a million questions about it but couldn't think of them when I was on the phone today. She is still great tho'--she didn't paint this dismal picture but was clearly disappointed she hadn't gotten it all. The other thing that scares me is that NONE of this showed up on any test at all, even the MRI's and PET SCAN.

I am so sad--not to lose the fat boob but just because I thought things were going so well and this seems like such a set back. I also have to re-read all my newly purchased cancer books to read about mastectomy and reconstructive surgery, as I skipped those chapters. : ( I will probably have to miss an additional four weeks of work(besides the two I am missing now) and all of that just stinks. I feel bad for my support people too, as this is so hard on everyone. I want to just pretend it isn't there.

Well, it's back to the drawing board I guess. The good news is that we decided as a family to go to Maine to watch Andrew play. We can't afford it and even though I still feel sort of crappy I am hoping it will help the mental side of all of this. We are only going for four days as Jim has to get to work, and I thought I had my first radiation treatment. But those are all cancelled for now.

On a lighter note, I got the TWO biggest plants today from my dear friends. When Jim carried them in, you couldn't even see him behind the jungle. Although I sound miserable right now, I am still smiling at all of you who have been here for me. I am also quite intrigued with the idea of reconstructive surgery on these saggy boobs...Dr. Nancy said it is a law that insurance has to cover reconstructive surgery on BOTHS boobs, not just the cancerous one so perhaps while I am in Maine I will check out some gossip magazines for some smart, perky boobs to aim for...

Love you all.

Molly